25%

Hilliary Clinton won Kentucky in a landslide vote yesterday. Before she gets excited about still trailing Obama, take a good look at this win. You know how she continually tells the national press that she leads in white votes? Well, 25% of the people polled after they voted in Kentucky said race was a deciding factor in their vote. You can read that any way you want, but to me it says, "I am not voting for a black guy."
Obama won in Oregon yesterday too. Black people make up a little over 1% of the population there. So what have we learned kids? We have learned that people in the southern states have a hard time voting for a black guy. Surprise! Yet Hilliary sees this as the ability to build a broader collation than Obama. That's great. She can bring together the people who want change and still hate black people. Nice job Hilliary!
A quarter of the people who were asked if race was a determining factor in who they voted for in the Democratic primary said yes. 25% said race was so important that they voted for the white person. I can't be sure, but I think that is the very definition of racism.
Oh Kentucky. You do not disappoint. She won a state that has a museum with dinosaurs walking around the garden of Eden! Great! You have demonstrated that you can win a majority of the ignorant racists. Congratulations.
One of the under reported stories in all this is the racism being encountered by Obama's campaigners. Stories abound of hang up phone calls where the N word is yelled, doors are slammed in peoples faces where the N word is yelled, signs torn down and the N word left behind in spray painted letters. I am guessing that the number of people they have encountered who are openly hostile to the thought of a black man as President is probably something like, oh I don't know, 25%!
It is pretty amazing to me as a I sit here in San Francisco that people would feel comfortable enough to tell a stranger that they are not going to vote for someone because they are black. Yet a quarter of the people did just that. The Clinton campaign has had no problems screaming sexism when they thought they had a case, but when racism is working for them, they are strangely silent.
You have to remember that Hilliary had every advantage a person could have going into this election. They set up the campaign they wanted from day one. Rather than make a graceful exit or endorse the party member with the most delegates, she wants to drag this thing out because she was suppose to be the next President. We don't have time for this. Every strategist in the Democratic party will tell you that we need to start taking on McCain today. Fighting among ourselves is not a solution to any of the issues that matter to all Democrats. Can we just agree that the person with the most votes wins and be done with this? The only way Hillilary can win at this point is to make a back room deal with the super delegates. In other words, over turn the will of the popular vote. Even if you give her 50% of the disputed delagates from the two states who broke the rules of the party and were told years in advance that their delagtes would not be counted, even if you do that-she still will be behind Obama.
Case closed. Move on.

Stuff Going on

Look for me this Thursday on Last Comic Standing. I should be on for a little under three minuets. If you are a regular reader of my blog, you know how it ended.
Next Tuesday I will be auditioning for the Craig Ferguson show. Cross your fingers for me please. It took forever just to get to this point with them.
memorial day weekend I will be down at the Punchline in San Francisco for Sunday nights showcase and then Monday for an experimental show with Doug Benson, Will Durst, W. Kamau Bell and me. None of us really know what creator, Jimmy Gunn has planed for us, but it should be an amusing train wreck if nothing else.
Alright, that's all the news that goes by my name. What's yours?

Dear Ghost,
This is for an audience of one. I will not throw pieces of my heart at your feet again like dice. What was once tender and sweet turned into a sour and scalding thing in my chest. You do the work this time if you want any communication. Do not leave messages that only I would understand on old posts.

Aliens Are Welcome at the Vatican

Good news everyone, believing in extra-terrestrials is not inconsistent with christian beliefs!
Finally!
It's true. The Vatican's chief Astronomer and a Reverend announced this in an interview for an Italian paper recently.
In fact, he said nothing in the Bible precludes God having created other worlds and other beings to live on those worlds. He suggests that we think of them as Brothers and Sisters. Oh yeah. I'm sure the people who give dirty looks to anyone in a head scarf will think of the saucer people as friends. Something about the last 2,000 years of history leads me to think that there might be some problems for anyone showing up from another planet. I mean, come on! We can't get along with people from other parts of our world with different beliefs. Do you really think were gonna be cool with some advance race who crossed the stars only to find out that we still cling to our primitive myths while possessing the technology to kill each other in huge numbers over those beliefs?
Thank God the Vatican announced something important. You know, something that might prevent wars or allow people to not feel guilty about. At least they didn't take 400 plus years to get around to this like they did with letting Galileo off the hook. Other wise we might still be arguing about this if Aliens ever show up. And of course, if the Aliens are indeed Brothers in the same creation of our God, they will have Fish stickers on the backs of their ships. That's how will know they are friends. Right? If they are good Aliens, they will have the same beliefs.
If some super intelligent race of space-faring creatures actually decided to make themselves know to us, I think they would smile politely at the whole notion of God, the Bible and all of mans various explanations for why we are here. I think they would just listen for a while and then go, "Do you really want to know how the universes started?"
Don't tell me that wouldn't be kick ass cool!
It's a short article, but it made me think of another article I read years ago where a priest was in trouble with the Vatican for suggesting that other beings may indeed live on other worlds, but these worlds still enjoyed the fruits of paradise. Imagine that! What if the saucer people showed up, heard about what we did and then said to us, "We can't believe you ate the apple! Good luck." In fact there was a dude a few years ago who said that Aliens do experiments on us because they consider us far lesser beings for killing Christ. He based the idea that the Aliens never fell from grace in the eyes of God because when ever people talk about the "Gray's" They are always naked. Naked. You know, just like Adam and Eve.
What!?
This is the sort of logic they would be up against once they landed. If there really are Alien brothers and sisters out there in the universe, I have a feeling they talk about Earth the way most of talk about the South. Know what I mean?
In the interview, the good Rev. also said that the Bible is not a science book. Really? How many people in Kansas do you think will read that and go, OH?
Last year, the Vatican also announced that limbo was closing. Limbo was a curious place that perfectly illustrates how truly nutty the thinking of the faithful can be. Limbo was invented 700 years ago as an answer to this problem; what happens to the souls of babies who died before being baptised? They couldn't go to Heaven because they had not yet been baptised, yet they also had not hurt anyone. Limbo, Baby! It was also the place people like Mosses and Plato had to go to because they lived before Christ. That seems very unfair. Frankly, I think I might prefer to go to hell instead. Think about it. Just because you were a moral man who lived before Christ, you now have to spend eternity with babies. Shit! It's hard enough when there is just one crying on a plane let alone billions of them hanging out with me for all eternity.
Presumably, if the Aliens who died at Roswell were also Moral, they would of gone to Limbo. Imagine the Aliens surprise if they do eventually turn up and we tell them this little nugget of info. Don't you think they would just nod their big old Gray heads, go back up inside the saucer and take off. I think that is what crop circles are. They land, listen to a few of us and realize we are so not ready. Crop circles are Alien space ships spinning donuts to get out of here quickly!

My Comedy Drama

Tuesday I was up in North Lake Tahoe where I turned in a hour long performance where I kept the drunks at bay and the others laughing.
Wednesday I was in my least favorite club, Tommy T's performing on the bill at a friends request where I made fun of two guys for twenty minuets by implying their worse fears; they were gay.
Thursday afternoon I did a private gig at a tech company in Sunnyvale where I mostly talked to the crowd by asking them what their Indian names meant.
Friday I was at the Clubhouse in San Francisco where five very drunk guys who apparently came to see me just yelled stupid shit and I fired back only to learn after the show that one of the guys was indeed a regular reader of my blog.
Saturday- I take a breath.
I think I have to make some creative choices tied with some marketing decisions. In all of these shows, I got the gigs for what I do best; Riffing.
Riffing is the art of working the room or talking to the crowd. You know. I can write a joke, but what I am known for is Riffing. On private and corporate gigs, no skill comes in more handy when it's not exactly what you thought it was going to be or something happens. At a club, Riffing can light up a room like nothing else. It's what I am best at and it is something I really love to do. On my site, I have clips of me riffing away on stage. The favorite seems to be the one where I brought a guy on stage who wanted to rip on me. Needless to say, it didn't work out for him the way he thought it would. People see that, come to my shows and then yell shit out so they to can be a part of it. But the thing is, I want to pick when I do that. I don't want people showing up and trying to jump in so I can go off on them. So do I take those clips down and work on more jokes, or what?
Last night at the clubhouse in San Francisco, 5 guys were falling over drunk. We had some fun going back and forth. I really want to get more of what I think out there though. Eventually, it just bugged me. After the show, true to form, they came up to me to shake my hand and say they were fans. Now when people say they are fans you think, thanks. In this case I was thinking, why do I have drunk frat boys as fans? I am everything opposed to them. Well, one of the guys was a regular reader of the blog. Damn! He quoted some things from it and told me the clip of the guy on stage with me was cool. Now I feel weird. On the one hand, this is what I want; fans! On the other hand, my own web site is encouraging the sort of behavior that is not conducive for performing well written, thought out pieces on politics and religion.
This has happened a few times now. No other moment was like this one though. These guys were so obviously fans and so drunk at the same time. I just wanted them to leave so I could go watch Battlestar Galactica. I felt strange feeling that because this is what a comic works for, a little recognition. Eventually I meet the rest of the water polo team. Yeah. Water polo team. They are that nice jovial brand of drunk at the moment too. I sorta miss that. Course, I have no illusion that me drinking is nothing like how they drink. They want me to come with them and there is nothing less that I want to do. A few other comics are hanging around enjoying the spectacle and my obvious discomfort. Crap! Only I could turn this into a poor me situation. A victim of success? I don't know. If I put Riffing out there then that is what people will want to see obviously. I can't get mad at them for that.
All in all it is a better class of problem to have than I deserve.

And now...the News

I will miss George Bush when he is gone. The man is a walking punch line. A gold mine of jokes where all you have to do is just tell a crowd what he said. I feel no guilt beating up a President with a lower public approval rating than Nixon had. The man is damaged and we got fucked.
Compassionate conservative? In his latest interview he said he showed solidarity with the families of killed U.S. Troops by no longer playing golf.
Wow! What a sacrifice Mr. President! I heard for lent he gave up the Bill of Rights.
Could you possibly sound like more of an unsympathetic, out of touch rich Dude than to say giving up Golf is some how on the same scale as a person being killed? Bush is not very good when it comes to comparisons. When he went to Israel this week, he told their government that anyone who wants to sit down and talk with Israel's enemy's would be like Nazi appeasers. Robert Gates, the current Secretary of Defense that Bush appointed, must be a big let down to him then. He said only last week that we should try to talk with Iran. Besides, selling stuff to the Nazis was where ol' Grandpa Bush made most of his money.
Bush also said he is looking forward to e-mailing again once he leaves the White House. Apparently, the commander in Chief said he doesn't like people reading his e-mail. You see as President, e-mail is considered a document. It is retained and catalogued like papers. Not Bush. He doesn't like the invasion of privacy. Hmmm. Seems strange for a guy that instituted the biggest eavesdropping operation in American history to be worried about a little thing like Privacy now?
Ah Bush. I will miss you in all your retarded rambling right wing born again crazy utterances. You were bad for the Country but you were gold for this comic. Thanks for the Punch Lines and now please run along and let the adults clean up your mess.

Clinton marches on!
Why?
She has borrowed 11 million dollars from herself to continue. Obama has raised most of his money from donations of $25.00 or less over the Internet. Think about this for a second. With all the clout her name gives her and all the lobbyist money that originally flowed into her war chest, she has fallen so far short of the financial demands of running for office that she now has to continue just to pay herself back!
Even if Clinton is given 50% of the disputed delegates from Florida and Michigan, she will still be behind Obama.
She agreed and signed a pledge with the Democratic National Party to not put her name on the ballot in those two states. Then, she went ahead and did it anyway. Obama did not.
Afterwards, she said she understood those delegates would not be counted for breaking the rules and moving their primaries up early. Then, after all that she began to slip in the polls to Obama and suddenly she thinks those votes should be counted too!
If health care is her big issue, won't someone please ask her why she voted in favor of the new bankruptcy law written by the credit card companies? As a big proponent of health care for all, Clinton knows that 50% of all bankruptcies in America are a direct result of unexpected health care bills not covered by insurance.
Any country that is going to hand the highest office in the land back and forth between two families over a 20 year period is not a country that can rightfully call it's self a democracy. Bush, Clinton, Clinton, Bush, Bush and now Clinton again? Come on America! grow a back bone and actually vote for change for a change!

John McCain. I sorta feel sorry for the guy. Sorta. There is just no way he can be elected President. Too many people in places you would not normally think of as voting Democrat are just way too mad at what they see as the Republicans fucking everything up to vote Republican this time around. So what do the republicans hit front runner Obama over the head with? He wants to talk to the terrorists! Well, you have to admit that bombing them and 5 years of war in Iraq hasn't really accomplished anything. Why not talk?

Over and over the republicans, including McCain tell the press that Obama would sit down and talk with terrorist groups such as Hammas. There are a few problems with this starting with the fact that Obama has never said this. But you know who did? John McCain in 2006 did. Yeah. When asked if America should sit down and talk with Hammas, McCain said, sure. If they are elected. Well, guess what? Hammas won a majority of seats in Lebanon making them the democratically elected ruling party. Bush's response after an ellection was held in a middle east -something we were fighting for- "Were not going to talk with them."
So not only does McCain look like a moron now, but this is just another one of those things that the typical American has forgotten but is a huge deal to that part of the world. To them, they look at this situation and say, You wanted us to have elections, we did. Hammas won and now you decide the wrong people won. America, you are a hypocrite!
Once again, this is the situation that experience has put us in.

Last but not least. There is a lot of talk lately about Israels security and will Obama be the defender of Israel that every other president in the history of Israel has been. Well, who knows really? But I do know this. In 2006 Clinton and McCain both voted to sell Saudi Arabia 10 Billion dollars worth of advanced American military hardware. Considering that 15 of the 19 Hijackers on 9/11 were from Saudi Arabia and Saudi Arabia fails to recognize the right of Israel to exist, I don't know that McCain cares all that much for Israel or Americas security. Why the hell would we sell them such advanced military hardware and still have to pay these rising oil prices? That's the question that people should be asking? or better yet, are we just playing both sides of the middle east? We are the defender of Israel but we sell military hardware to one of their biggest foe's. Maybe we should let Obama sit down and talk. believe me, it will cause much less destruction than those weapons have the potential to do. And who wanted the sale? George Bush & Company.

Night at the Museum
Won't read it
7?

I Just read that a couple boarding a flight in Canada left their baby at the airport.
On behalf of every airline passenger ever I just want to say, Bravo! Give them a medal!