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Tuesday, February 12, 2008

If I were President

Walking around the city today I saw this written on a wall at a construction site;
Speak English.
Somehow I don’t think the intended audience will get the message. If “they” can’t speak it, I doubt “they” can read it.
It’s not illegal to not speak English but I think graffiti still is.
Besides, don’t write it on the wall under the cover of dark. Go complain to the boss that hired them. The whole illegal immigration debate seems to center only on the individuals who are coming here looking for a better way of life. Even John McCain said, “We need to remember that they are children of God too.”
The thing is, it’s the companies that are breaking just as many laws as the individuals are when they hire them. As long as corporate America realizes it makes a bigger profit when it hires people who see slave wages as a king’s ransom, the whole thing will continue.
If you want to continue to order entire meals for under a buck at your favorite fast food store, you better get use to the idea of hearing, “Do you want fries with that?” in an accent. You better be nice to them too because Americas love of fast food means there are going to be a lot of fat ass unhealthy people in the hospitals down the road. Last time I looked orderlies were not usually white kids from the burbs.

The city of Berekely, CA passed a proclamation saying military recruiters are not welcomed in the city. It’s not a law mind you; it’s just a piece of paper summing up what is probably the majority opinion in that city. Well, I guess peace has broken out everywhere and we all just got health care. Otherwise, demonstrating pro or con for this just seems stupid to me. If me thinking that the troops should come home to parades and free college tuition, and that Exxon Mobil should be paying for veterans care out of yet another record quarter of profits means I am not patriotic, then America is in worse shape than I thought.
Exxon Mobil, the world largest oil company, now makes an average of 10 Billion dollars every 3 months.
America spends about a billion dollars a week to be in Iraq and the veterans administration budget has been slashed to make up for the trillion dollar deficit Mr. Bush and company will be leaving us.
Here is an expression that I loathe but I think it fits in this case, you do the math!
Call me crazy, but if you haven’t figured out that going into Iraq is the biggest robbery in the history of the planet, then you need to get out from under your rock more. If American soldiers are being used to make Champagne and cigars a regular feature of oil company board rooms, then the least they could do is provide for the health and welfare of those human pawns they so easily dismiss with words like service, patriotism and hero.
Yet somehow, the idea of bringing the troops home is anti troop? The idea of taxing the corporations that are directly benefiting from all these heroes’s service is communism?
I think it’s OK for the military to have a recruiting office in Berkeley. But lets not wrap this shit in a flag anymore. The military looks at new recruits as fresh parts for the machine that is war. You can’t even call it a war either. At this point it’s an endless occupation.
You don’t hear much about “the mission” from guys returning home anymore. From what I have been told, the mission seems to be this. Troops get in a bunch of Humvies and drive around Baghdad on patrol. Terrorists, citizens and anyone with a grudge and a gun takes shots at them. We return fire killing them and maybe a few innocents in the process. This whole stupid wasteful cycle then repeats its self over and over and over until no one really knows what the point is but a handful of accountants at the oil companies can tell you how much money they are earning a minuet.
A recruiter is there to sell you on the idea of training and excitement. He isn’t going to tell you that you have a better chance of coming home with some sort of a brain injury than winning $1,000 in the lottery. That’s a fact folks. If you want to serve your country, stay home and get someone elected who will have the balls to put a stop to this. Remember Romney? The great Mormon hope for the White House? He has 7 sons. None of them are in the military. When he was asked about his pro Iraq war stance and the lack of his kids service he said they were serving the country better by helping him get elected President. Well, I guess they will be joining up now. Maybe they can do it in Berkeley.

If I were President I would do the following things.
1. Immediately declare myself Emperor of the American empire.
Democracy is messy and what the fuck is a superdelagate anyway?
2. I would make it law that Scientology and Mormonism must be combined into one religion named Moronlgy. Have you ever read in any sort of depth what either of these religions believes in? It’s like part science fiction, part daydream on cough syrup and all crazy. Just put them together in one place and make Tom Cruise the Pope.
3. I would get rid of the military and make the department of the Treasury the way we fight our wars. Think about this for a second. For the amount of money we have spent in Iraq, we could of gotten far better results if we just flew over the country and dumped bags of money out the backs of C-130’s. Seriously! We might be hated, but America is still the cool kid everyone wants to be. Didn’t you ever imagine being the playground bully when you were a kid? I did. Now, we can provide our enemies with what they really want; the money to buy all things American. Your telling me a few Starbucks and McDonalds wouldn’t solve a lot of the problems over there? Granted, the only flaw in this logic is that we might leave ourselves open to more terrorists attacks if other countries knew they would get Ben Franklins dumped on them to stop their petty bullshit. But if my plan goes according to the way I think it will, they will become Americanized. They will be too fat to fit into those bomb belts. Obesity kills more people every month than all of the terrorist’s attacks we have ever had. Hell, soda machines falling on people who shake them takes out a pretty good number of people each year. If the terrorists truly hate us for our way of life, then this would also be the best revenge. Look after awhile even the most die-hard radical extremist is goanna want to join his buddies for a hot dog on a stick.
4. Just like the Muslims believe that no image of Muhammad should exist, I will make it law that no religion is allowed to display any image, logo or bumper sticker in the public view. Those 3-D paintings of Jesus, the ones that follow you around the room, have got to go! They are way creepy. Instead, any temple, synagogue or church will be identified only with that velvet painting of those dogs playing poker. The only exception of course will be for the moronlgists. For them, they get to use the Mission Impossible logo. I think Tom would like that.
5. Britney Spears will be placed in a glass cage and permantly put on display in Las Vegas. You will be able to buy drugs from a vending machine and feed them to her. Who ever gives her the drugs that she eventually OD’s on, wins a swift kick in the fucking head and will be made to run around the streets of L.A. with no underwear as groups of men with cameras chase you. That’s what they’re all waiting for. Right?
6. Were going to change our name to, The United States of Irony.
7. Everything south of the Masson Dixon line can go form their own Bible thumping evolution-denying country. Lets see how long they last without adult supervision.
8. Education, Health Care and drugs will all be free. I shall call this; College. You get it for as long as you want it. Study what you want and take as much shit as you can take. If you find you can’t stop taking the drugs, good news! It’s no longer a crime to have the disease of addiction. Will help you out. After all, a society is judged by how it treats the least of its members.
I don’t know who said that because I couldn’t afford college. I suppose you could Google it.
9. Google, Wikepedia and Rotten.com will be combined into something I like to call, libraries.
10. Internet porn for all but without the guilt! However lube is a petroleum product so a 12oz bottle will cost $20,000. Use it wisely kids. Remember, it’s not just your little soldiers that will be dying.

So those are a few of my ideas.
I’m Joe Klocek and I approved this message.

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