Tuesday I was up in North Lake Tahoe where I turned in a hour long performance where I kept the drunks at bay and the others laughing.
Wednesday I was in my least favorite club, Tommy T's performing on the bill at a friends request where I made fun of two guys for twenty minuets by implying their worse fears; they were gay.
Thursday afternoon I did a private gig at a tech company in Sunnyvale where I mostly talked to the crowd by asking them what their Indian names meant.
Friday I was at the Clubhouse in San Francisco where five very drunk guys who apparently came to see me just yelled stupid shit and I fired back only to learn after the show that one of the guys was indeed a regular reader of my blog.
Saturday- I take a breath.
I think I have to make some creative choices tied with some marketing decisions. In all of these shows, I got the gigs for what I do best; Riffing.
Riffing is the art of working the room or talking to the crowd. You know. I can write a joke, but what I am known for is Riffing. On private and corporate gigs, no skill comes in more handy when it's not exactly what you thought it was going to be or something happens. At a club, Riffing can light up a room like nothing else. It's what I am best at and it is something I really love to do. On my site, I have clips of me riffing away on stage. The favorite seems to be the one where I brought a guy on stage who wanted to rip on me. Needless to say, it didn't work out for him the way he thought it would. People see that, come to my shows and then yell shit out so they to can be a part of it. But the thing is, I want to pick when I do that. I don't want people showing up and trying to jump in so I can go off on them. So do I take those clips down and work on more jokes, or what?
Last night at the clubhouse in San Francisco, 5 guys were falling over drunk. We had some fun going back and forth. I really want to get more of what I think out there though. Eventually, it just bugged me. After the show, true to form, they came up to me to shake my hand and say they were fans. Now when people say they are fans you think, thanks. In this case I was thinking, why do I have drunk frat boys as fans? I am everything opposed to them. Well, one of the guys was a regular reader of the blog. Damn! He quoted some things from it and told me the clip of the guy on stage with me was cool. Now I feel weird. On the one hand, this is what I want; fans! On the other hand, my own web site is encouraging the sort of behavior that is not conducive for performing well written, thought out pieces on politics and religion.
This has happened a few times now. No other moment was like this one though. These guys were so obviously fans and so drunk at the same time. I just wanted them to leave so I could go watch Battlestar Galactica. I felt strange feeling that because this is what a comic works for, a little recognition. Eventually I meet the rest of the water polo team. Yeah. Water polo team. They are that nice jovial brand of drunk at the moment too. I sorta miss that. Course, I have no illusion that me drinking is nothing like how they drink. They want me to come with them and there is nothing less that I want to do. A few other comics are hanging around enjoying the spectacle and my obvious discomfort. Crap! Only I could turn this into a poor me situation. A victim of success? I don't know. If I put Riffing out there then that is what people will want to see obviously. I can't get mad at them for that.
All in all it is a better class of problem to have than I deserve.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Friday, May 16, 2008
And now...the News
I will miss George Bush when he is gone. The man is a walking punch line. A gold mine of jokes where all you have to do is just tell a crowd what he said. I feel no guilt beating up a President with a lower public approval rating than Nixon had. The man is damaged and we got fucked.
Compassionate conservative? In his latest interview he said he showed solidarity with the families of killed U.S. Troops by no longer playing golf.
Wow! What a sacrifice Mr. President! I heard for lent he gave up the Bill of Rights.
Could you possibly sound like more of an unsympathetic, out of touch rich Dude than to say giving up Golf is some how on the same scale as a person being killed? Bush is not very good when it comes to comparisons. When he went to Israel this week, he told their government that anyone who wants to sit down and talk with Israel's enemy's would be like Nazi appeasers. Robert Gates, the current Secretary of Defense that Bush appointed, must be a big let down to him then. He said only last week that we should try to talk with Iran. Besides, selling stuff to the Nazis was where ol' Grandpa Bush made most of his money.
Bush also said he is looking forward to e-mailing again once he leaves the White House. Apparently, the commander in Chief said he doesn't like people reading his e-mail. You see as President, e-mail is considered a document. It is retained and catalogued like papers. Not Bush. He doesn't like the invasion of privacy. Hmmm. Seems strange for a guy that instituted the biggest eavesdropping operation in American history to be worried about a little thing like Privacy now?
Ah Bush. I will miss you in all your retarded rambling right wing born again crazy utterances. You were bad for the Country but you were gold for this comic. Thanks for the Punch Lines and now please run along and let the adults clean up your mess.
Clinton marches on!
Why?
She has borrowed 11 million dollars from herself to continue. Obama has raised most of his money from donations of $25.00 or less over the Internet. Think about this for a second. With all the clout her name gives her and all the lobbyist money that originally flowed into her war chest, she has fallen so far short of the financial demands of running for office that she now has to continue just to pay herself back!
Even if Clinton is given 50% of the disputed delegates from Florida and Michigan, she will still be behind Obama.
She agreed and signed a pledge with the Democratic National Party to not put her name on the ballot in those two states. Then, she went ahead and did it anyway. Obama did not.
Afterwards, she said she understood those delegates would not be counted for breaking the rules and moving their primaries up early. Then, after all that she began to slip in the polls to Obama and suddenly she thinks those votes should be counted too!
If health care is her big issue, won't someone please ask her why she voted in favor of the new bankruptcy law written by the credit card companies? As a big proponent of health care for all, Clinton knows that 50% of all bankruptcies in America are a direct result of unexpected health care bills not covered by insurance.
Any country that is going to hand the highest office in the land back and forth between two families over a 20 year period is not a country that can rightfully call it's self a democracy. Bush, Clinton, Clinton, Bush, Bush and now Clinton again? Come on America! grow a back bone and actually vote for change for a change!
Compassionate conservative? In his latest interview he said he showed solidarity with the families of killed U.S. Troops by no longer playing golf.
Wow! What a sacrifice Mr. President! I heard for lent he gave up the Bill of Rights.
Could you possibly sound like more of an unsympathetic, out of touch rich Dude than to say giving up Golf is some how on the same scale as a person being killed? Bush is not very good when it comes to comparisons. When he went to Israel this week, he told their government that anyone who wants to sit down and talk with Israel's enemy's would be like Nazi appeasers. Robert Gates, the current Secretary of Defense that Bush appointed, must be a big let down to him then. He said only last week that we should try to talk with Iran. Besides, selling stuff to the Nazis was where ol' Grandpa Bush made most of his money.
Bush also said he is looking forward to e-mailing again once he leaves the White House. Apparently, the commander in Chief said he doesn't like people reading his e-mail. You see as President, e-mail is considered a document. It is retained and catalogued like papers. Not Bush. He doesn't like the invasion of privacy. Hmmm. Seems strange for a guy that instituted the biggest eavesdropping operation in American history to be worried about a little thing like Privacy now?
Ah Bush. I will miss you in all your retarded rambling right wing born again crazy utterances. You were bad for the Country but you were gold for this comic. Thanks for the Punch Lines and now please run along and let the adults clean up your mess.
Clinton marches on!
Why?
She has borrowed 11 million dollars from herself to continue. Obama has raised most of his money from donations of $25.00 or less over the Internet. Think about this for a second. With all the clout her name gives her and all the lobbyist money that originally flowed into her war chest, she has fallen so far short of the financial demands of running for office that she now has to continue just to pay herself back!
Even if Clinton is given 50% of the disputed delegates from Florida and Michigan, she will still be behind Obama.
She agreed and signed a pledge with the Democratic National Party to not put her name on the ballot in those two states. Then, she went ahead and did it anyway. Obama did not.
Afterwards, she said she understood those delegates would not be counted for breaking the rules and moving their primaries up early. Then, after all that she began to slip in the polls to Obama and suddenly she thinks those votes should be counted too!
If health care is her big issue, won't someone please ask her why she voted in favor of the new bankruptcy law written by the credit card companies? As a big proponent of health care for all, Clinton knows that 50% of all bankruptcies in America are a direct result of unexpected health care bills not covered by insurance.
Any country that is going to hand the highest office in the land back and forth between two families over a 20 year period is not a country that can rightfully call it's self a democracy. Bush, Clinton, Clinton, Bush, Bush and now Clinton again? Come on America! grow a back bone and actually vote for change for a change!
John McCain. I sorta feel sorry for the guy. Sorta. There is just no way he can be elected President. Too many people in places you would not normally think of as voting Democrat are just way too mad at what they see as the Republicans fucking everything up to vote Republican this time around. So what do the republicans hit front runner Obama over the head with? He wants to talk to the terrorists! Well, you have to admit that bombing them and 5 years of war in Iraq hasn't really accomplished anything. Why not talk?
Over and over the republicans, including McCain tell the press that Obama would sit down and talk with terrorist groups such as Hammas. There are a few problems with this starting with the fact that Obama has never said this. But you know who did? John McCain in 2006 did. Yeah. When asked if America should sit down and talk with Hammas, McCain said, sure. If they are elected. Well, guess what? Hammas won a majority of seats in Lebanon making them the democratically elected ruling party. Bush's response after an ellection was held in a middle east -something we were fighting for- "Were not going to talk with them."
So not only does McCain look like a moron now, but this is just another one of those things that the typical American has forgotten but is a huge deal to that part of the world. To them, they look at this situation and say, You wanted us to have elections, we did. Hammas won and now you decide the wrong people won. America, you are a hypocrite!
Once again, this is the situation that experience has put us in.
Last but not least. There is a lot of talk lately about Israels security and will Obama be the defender of Israel that every other president in the history of Israel has been. Well, who knows really? But I do know this. In 2006 Clinton and McCain both voted to sell Saudi Arabia 10 Billion dollars worth of advanced American military hardware. Considering that 15 of the 19 Hijackers on 9/11 were from Saudi Arabia and Saudi Arabia fails to recognize the right of Israel to exist, I don't know that McCain cares all that much for Israel or Americas security. Why the hell would we sell them such advanced military hardware and still have to pay these rising oil prices? That's the question that people should be asking? or better yet, are we just playing both sides of the middle east? We are the defender of Israel but we sell military hardware to one of their biggest foe's. Maybe we should let Obama sit down and talk. believe me, it will cause much less destruction than those weapons have the potential to do. And who wanted the sale? George Bush & Company.
Over and over the republicans, including McCain tell the press that Obama would sit down and talk with terrorist groups such as Hammas. There are a few problems with this starting with the fact that Obama has never said this. But you know who did? John McCain in 2006 did. Yeah. When asked if America should sit down and talk with Hammas, McCain said, sure. If they are elected. Well, guess what? Hammas won a majority of seats in Lebanon making them the democratically elected ruling party. Bush's response after an ellection was held in a middle east -something we were fighting for- "Were not going to talk with them."
So not only does McCain look like a moron now, but this is just another one of those things that the typical American has forgotten but is a huge deal to that part of the world. To them, they look at this situation and say, You wanted us to have elections, we did. Hammas won and now you decide the wrong people won. America, you are a hypocrite!
Once again, this is the situation that experience has put us in.
Last but not least. There is a lot of talk lately about Israels security and will Obama be the defender of Israel that every other president in the history of Israel has been. Well, who knows really? But I do know this. In 2006 Clinton and McCain both voted to sell Saudi Arabia 10 Billion dollars worth of advanced American military hardware. Considering that 15 of the 19 Hijackers on 9/11 were from Saudi Arabia and Saudi Arabia fails to recognize the right of Israel to exist, I don't know that McCain cares all that much for Israel or Americas security. Why the hell would we sell them such advanced military hardware and still have to pay these rising oil prices? That's the question that people should be asking? or better yet, are we just playing both sides of the middle east? We are the defender of Israel but we sell military hardware to one of their biggest foe's. Maybe we should let Obama sit down and talk. believe me, it will cause much less destruction than those weapons have the potential to do. And who wanted the sale? George Bush & Company.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Monday, May 12, 2008
Winchester Mystery Life
I went to the Winchester Mystery House in San Jose this weekend with two friends. You ever been? Apparently old lady Winchester was told by a spiritualist to move out west and never stop building a house. This would be the only way to appease all the spirits killed by her husbands invention, the Winchester Repeating Riffle. 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, that's what she did.
Crazy!
Stairs lead to no where, cupboards open onto walls, windows over look bathrooms, it's all kinds of fun. With stuff just haphazardly added on to the house and stuff going off in all directions, I feel as if I am leading the Winchester Mystery Life. Course, no one told me to move out west and perform comedy to appease the spirits of all the jokes that died, but that's what it feels like some days.
Oh, and old lady Winchester was crazy rich. I am pour. There will be no tour of my apartment when I pass on. Well, there might be, but I doubt the gift shop will be have anything anyone will want to buy.
If life is one big tour. Maybe we don't end up in Heaven at all. Maybe we just end up in some vast gift shop. That would be a surprise no one saw coming!
I lived on earth and all I got was this T-shirt.
Mugs with a photo of your most embarrassing moment on it. Yup, that's Mom opening the bathroom door catching me masturbating! Giant size pencils and posters with Kittens and glib sayings. You have to have those. Every gift shop I have ever been in has those for some reason. You know what I mean. A kitten hanging off a branch and the words, Hang In there at the bottom. At the Winchester gift shop, they had a strange collection of posters that included Scarface. Yeah. Scarface!
"What did you kids get to remember your tour of the Mystery House?"
"A poster of Scarface on a one hundred dollar bill!"
And of course, no gift shop would be complete without the machine that stretches a penny into some oblong shape for 50 cents. Instead of an emblem of the Mystery House stamped in it, it would just be a your name and the date you left Earth. How about this for a poster in life's gift shop; a map of the Earth with a dot on your home and at the bottom of the map it would say, you were here. That would be a very popular item I think. You could hang it in the bed room of whatever next existence there is. If there are bedrooms. Who knows.
It will probably just be like most tours that end in a gift shop. You will walk into it, stroll around for a few minuets and think, what a bunch of crap! Frankly, that's what I say about life most days now. When I was a kid and I would walk around a gift shop I would only be upset if I couldn't find a license plate with my name on it.
That's all ghosts and hauntings are; people taking a tour of their previous life. I can totally see that! Their not knocking things over to communicate with the living. There picking stuff up in the gift shop, realizing it's crap and throwing it back down.
Crazy!
Stairs lead to no where, cupboards open onto walls, windows over look bathrooms, it's all kinds of fun. With stuff just haphazardly added on to the house and stuff going off in all directions, I feel as if I am leading the Winchester Mystery Life. Course, no one told me to move out west and perform comedy to appease the spirits of all the jokes that died, but that's what it feels like some days.
Oh, and old lady Winchester was crazy rich. I am pour. There will be no tour of my apartment when I pass on. Well, there might be, but I doubt the gift shop will be have anything anyone will want to buy.
If life is one big tour. Maybe we don't end up in Heaven at all. Maybe we just end up in some vast gift shop. That would be a surprise no one saw coming!
I lived on earth and all I got was this T-shirt.
Mugs with a photo of your most embarrassing moment on it. Yup, that's Mom opening the bathroom door catching me masturbating! Giant size pencils and posters with Kittens and glib sayings. You have to have those. Every gift shop I have ever been in has those for some reason. You know what I mean. A kitten hanging off a branch and the words, Hang In there at the bottom. At the Winchester gift shop, they had a strange collection of posters that included Scarface. Yeah. Scarface!
"What did you kids get to remember your tour of the Mystery House?"
"A poster of Scarface on a one hundred dollar bill!"
And of course, no gift shop would be complete without the machine that stretches a penny into some oblong shape for 50 cents. Instead of an emblem of the Mystery House stamped in it, it would just be a your name and the date you left Earth. How about this for a poster in life's gift shop; a map of the Earth with a dot on your home and at the bottom of the map it would say, you were here. That would be a very popular item I think. You could hang it in the bed room of whatever next existence there is. If there are bedrooms. Who knows.
It will probably just be like most tours that end in a gift shop. You will walk into it, stroll around for a few minuets and think, what a bunch of crap! Frankly, that's what I say about life most days now. When I was a kid and I would walk around a gift shop I would only be upset if I couldn't find a license plate with my name on it.
That's all ghosts and hauntings are; people taking a tour of their previous life. I can totally see that! Their not knocking things over to communicate with the living. There picking stuff up in the gift shop, realizing it's crap and throwing it back down.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Mothers Day
Mothers Day.
Mom and I don't talk much anymore. Not since the 12 hour drive from Walnut Creek, CA to Henderson, NV. That was about a year ago. I know, it's sad and it has more to do with each of us holding onto the idea of who owes who an apology. Course, this has gone on as long as I can remember. Sure, I could call and say hello, I love you and happy mothers day. I probably will too. But under the surface remains the tension. We just don't understand each other.
Years ago, my Mother surprised me and asked me why I resented her so much. I sat there in silence for a moment thinking that to answer would be to invite yet another battle of yelling and passive aggressive black belt moves from her. I told her maybe someday I would explain it and I left it at that.
Like a lot of Mothers, I hear about shit I did as a kid. You know, in the middle of an argument or the middle of lunch.
As a kid.
It is thrown in my face at the oddest times and for no reason connected to logic that I can see. So, I return the favor. I point out stuff that was done while they raised me. I get the same answer from Mom every time, "We did the best we could."
Why do I resent you so much Mom? I resent you because when I point out your mistakes you always answer with, we did the best we could.
You point out mine mistakes and say how you are disappointed in me.
The difference?
I was a child and you were an adult.
You don't think I was doing the best I could as a kid? You were the adult.
It has always annoyed me when I hear people blaming their parents for shit going wrong in their lives. I am not saying that they are responsible for my issues, but their, we did our best, translates into me as an adult. Moms idea of doing the best she could was to pray and pray and pray. People wonder why I have issues with religion, it was Moms drug of choice. Any questions I had about anything got the same answer, ask God. Pray.
As a result, I don't think I ever really got to know mom. Every thing had religion attached to it. That, and I am so tired of hearing about the mistakes I made as a kid.
Happy Mothers day?
Mom and I don't talk much anymore. Not since the 12 hour drive from Walnut Creek, CA to Henderson, NV. That was about a year ago. I know, it's sad and it has more to do with each of us holding onto the idea of who owes who an apology. Course, this has gone on as long as I can remember. Sure, I could call and say hello, I love you and happy mothers day. I probably will too. But under the surface remains the tension. We just don't understand each other.
Years ago, my Mother surprised me and asked me why I resented her so much. I sat there in silence for a moment thinking that to answer would be to invite yet another battle of yelling and passive aggressive black belt moves from her. I told her maybe someday I would explain it and I left it at that.
Like a lot of Mothers, I hear about shit I did as a kid. You know, in the middle of an argument or the middle of lunch.
As a kid.
It is thrown in my face at the oddest times and for no reason connected to logic that I can see. So, I return the favor. I point out stuff that was done while they raised me. I get the same answer from Mom every time, "We did the best we could."
Why do I resent you so much Mom? I resent you because when I point out your mistakes you always answer with, we did the best we could.
You point out mine mistakes and say how you are disappointed in me.
The difference?
I was a child and you were an adult.
You don't think I was doing the best I could as a kid? You were the adult.
It has always annoyed me when I hear people blaming their parents for shit going wrong in their lives. I am not saying that they are responsible for my issues, but their, we did our best, translates into me as an adult. Moms idea of doing the best she could was to pray and pray and pray. People wonder why I have issues with religion, it was Moms drug of choice. Any questions I had about anything got the same answer, ask God. Pray.
As a result, I don't think I ever really got to know mom. Every thing had religion attached to it. That, and I am so tired of hearing about the mistakes I made as a kid.
Happy Mothers day?
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Now back to your regularly scheduled pessimism.
Myanmar has suffered a natural disaster where 100,000 people are dead. Yahoo finds it is just as important for me to know that Clay Akins might have made the boldest change in his look yet. Such is news these days. Every thing is presented as spectacle, not information. Every thing is equal. 100,000 people dead, a former American Idol gets a new hair cut. I am waiting for the next crazy preacher to tell us exactly what it was the people of Myanmar did wrong to get such a punishing natural disaster. Isn't that how God works? Gays wanted to have a parade in New Orleans, Hurricane strike kills mostly black people in the lower Ninth ward where almost no gay people live. Seems like God has poor aim when he sends these things. That's ironic, considering how many of his followers seem to love their guns and pride themselves on their aim.
Oh well.
A few posts ago, a comment was left asking if I cross reference the news. I suppose I do. I am fascinated in the way we are presented stories. Right now, mentioning Obama in the news automatically leads to questions about Rev. Wright. If you look at any of the news from the BBC or articles written in the Canadian press, the only time they mention Rev. Wright is to ask what is the American obsession with creating a story rather than covering events? Other counties press have pointed out that all the candidates have been backed by various Ministers who have said some highly questionable things in their past too. Why highlight Obamas pastor? He was just his pastor, not a consultant to anyone in the White House as Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson have been. There is no big deal here accept that the press keeps saying it is a big deal.
Somewhere in the late 70's the networks decided to make the news just another product in it's line of TV entertainment. The simplest way was to let opinions be mentioned about the events they were covering. Now, that's all we have. No one is reporting on an event, they are all giving us their opinion of the event. Believe it or not, a news story might not fit comfortably in to the black and white of CNN or FOX. Why just cover the news when you can have people yell over each other? You might not leave informed, but it makes the powers that be a lot more money than just stating statistics and showing footage of disasters.
Truth is now spin.
Most people under the age of 30 get their news from the Daily show, a TV news parody show on a Comedy Network.
Polls dictate policy. No politician can actually say what they think without first checking to see what a percentage of people also think.
Money is not just power, but the ability to present the message of choice to the most people from the best media outlet. Everyone is equal, but when it comes to the first amendment and getting your message out there, some are more equal than others.
Rome had nothing on us!
Rome had outrageous public events in it's coliseum, and we have reality TV shows.
Rome fought wars in distant lands for riches and resources, we occupy Iraq and Afghanistan for Oil.
Rome rotted from within, crushed under the weight of bureaucracy and spread thin across it's empire until barbarian tribes with little more than clubs invaded and destroyed it.
We have Fox news.
There will never be a single planet wide disaster that you see in the movies or a revolt in the streets that your grandchildren will be able to point to and say, that's when it happened. Instead, we are like the frog in the pot of water slowly being brought to a boil. By the time Global warming, pollution, disease, loss of rights we took for granted and poverty catch up to us, we will just be starting to experience those first few pangs of anxiety that something really is wrong. The first thing we need to do to avoid that is to start thinking for ourselves and stop letting the Media tell you what is important and what to think about a topic. If you are wondering what the dander is in just blindly listening to what is coming out of the TV, all you have to do is look at the war with Iraq and the way the supposedly objective media became little more than a propaganda tool for the White House. Just recently the Pentagon suspended it's program of sharing secret information with military annalists employed by the media. You know those retired Generals and experts at all things war related? They were being given private briefings and essentially being told what to say. Their mission; paint a rosy picture of what is happening in Iraq. The media, whose job it is to be on the look out for just such an abuse, allowed it to go on unchecked for 7 years until the New York Times finally had the balls to print what it knew to be true for more than a year. Do you know what we call it when the state works with the corporations to strengthen each? The word is fascism. Fascists are just like you and me. They just think that a strong leader and cooperate rights are more important than individuals. other than that, they are just like us. By any definition, America has become a fascist state obsessed more about maintaining it's role as the only super power than advancing the agenda of human rights. How is this accomplished? Not with tanks in the streets or secret police, but the use of consumer choice falling like an avalanche over the human spirit. Everything has become a product, just like the news. Now that everything has a monetary value, no one has any values other than I got mine, now you get yours. It is the message that pervades every commercial and the message that keeps us from forming any true bonds to oppose the message. In the information age with the next big blockbuster coming soon, we have all traded the space inside our heads for a ticket to the next big thing, the new car, the louder game, the promise of a solution to the emptiness inside us we let the next pop song put into words because we no longer can.
100,000 people dead. Killed in one night in one storm. But the top story today was, falling
consumer confidence raises fears on Wall Street. This is the world we live in. Information has been replaced with speculation. Speculation is the system we have that sets the price. As our money shrinks in value, we turn to the next thing in an attempt to buy our way out of the wasteland the news shows us. Not one of abandoned huts and mud covered bodies, but of strip malls and asphalt parking lots backing in the sun. We have been bought off one by one with the belief that getting rich is the greatest reward simply because you can buy the best stuff. Instead of retired generals to explain the latest mess in Iraq to us, or reporters embedded with troops in the far corners of our crumbling empire, we should embed reporters in the peace movement and have spiritual healers on the news to break down events at protests.
Just a thought. Now back to your regularly scheduled pessimism.
Oh well.
A few posts ago, a comment was left asking if I cross reference the news. I suppose I do. I am fascinated in the way we are presented stories. Right now, mentioning Obama in the news automatically leads to questions about Rev. Wright. If you look at any of the news from the BBC or articles written in the Canadian press, the only time they mention Rev. Wright is to ask what is the American obsession with creating a story rather than covering events? Other counties press have pointed out that all the candidates have been backed by various Ministers who have said some highly questionable things in their past too. Why highlight Obamas pastor? He was just his pastor, not a consultant to anyone in the White House as Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson have been. There is no big deal here accept that the press keeps saying it is a big deal.
Somewhere in the late 70's the networks decided to make the news just another product in it's line of TV entertainment. The simplest way was to let opinions be mentioned about the events they were covering. Now, that's all we have. No one is reporting on an event, they are all giving us their opinion of the event. Believe it or not, a news story might not fit comfortably in to the black and white of CNN or FOX. Why just cover the news when you can have people yell over each other? You might not leave informed, but it makes the powers that be a lot more money than just stating statistics and showing footage of disasters.
Truth is now spin.
Most people under the age of 30 get their news from the Daily show, a TV news parody show on a Comedy Network.
Polls dictate policy. No politician can actually say what they think without first checking to see what a percentage of people also think.
Money is not just power, but the ability to present the message of choice to the most people from the best media outlet. Everyone is equal, but when it comes to the first amendment and getting your message out there, some are more equal than others.
Rome had nothing on us!
Rome had outrageous public events in it's coliseum, and we have reality TV shows.
Rome fought wars in distant lands for riches and resources, we occupy Iraq and Afghanistan for Oil.
Rome rotted from within, crushed under the weight of bureaucracy and spread thin across it's empire until barbarian tribes with little more than clubs invaded and destroyed it.
We have Fox news.
There will never be a single planet wide disaster that you see in the movies or a revolt in the streets that your grandchildren will be able to point to and say, that's when it happened. Instead, we are like the frog in the pot of water slowly being brought to a boil. By the time Global warming, pollution, disease, loss of rights we took for granted and poverty catch up to us, we will just be starting to experience those first few pangs of anxiety that something really is wrong. The first thing we need to do to avoid that is to start thinking for ourselves and stop letting the Media tell you what is important and what to think about a topic. If you are wondering what the dander is in just blindly listening to what is coming out of the TV, all you have to do is look at the war with Iraq and the way the supposedly objective media became little more than a propaganda tool for the White House. Just recently the Pentagon suspended it's program of sharing secret information with military annalists employed by the media. You know those retired Generals and experts at all things war related? They were being given private briefings and essentially being told what to say. Their mission; paint a rosy picture of what is happening in Iraq. The media, whose job it is to be on the look out for just such an abuse, allowed it to go on unchecked for 7 years until the New York Times finally had the balls to print what it knew to be true for more than a year. Do you know what we call it when the state works with the corporations to strengthen each? The word is fascism. Fascists are just like you and me. They just think that a strong leader and cooperate rights are more important than individuals. other than that, they are just like us. By any definition, America has become a fascist state obsessed more about maintaining it's role as the only super power than advancing the agenda of human rights. How is this accomplished? Not with tanks in the streets or secret police, but the use of consumer choice falling like an avalanche over the human spirit. Everything has become a product, just like the news. Now that everything has a monetary value, no one has any values other than I got mine, now you get yours. It is the message that pervades every commercial and the message that keeps us from forming any true bonds to oppose the message. In the information age with the next big blockbuster coming soon, we have all traded the space inside our heads for a ticket to the next big thing, the new car, the louder game, the promise of a solution to the emptiness inside us we let the next pop song put into words because we no longer can.
100,000 people dead. Killed in one night in one storm. But the top story today was, falling
consumer confidence raises fears on Wall Street. This is the world we live in. Information has been replaced with speculation. Speculation is the system we have that sets the price. As our money shrinks in value, we turn to the next thing in an attempt to buy our way out of the wasteland the news shows us. Not one of abandoned huts and mud covered bodies, but of strip malls and asphalt parking lots backing in the sun. We have been bought off one by one with the belief that getting rich is the greatest reward simply because you can buy the best stuff. Instead of retired generals to explain the latest mess in Iraq to us, or reporters embedded with troops in the far corners of our crumbling empire, we should embed reporters in the peace movement and have spiritual healers on the news to break down events at protests.
Just a thought. Now back to your regularly scheduled pessimism.
Elitist.
Long before what is turning out to be the longest nomination battle in memory, The Democratic National Convention told the Democratic leaders in Florida and Michigan that if they moved up the dates of their primaries, their delegates would not be sat at the convention. In other words, their votes would not be counted in the primary. The states went ahead and moved up their primaries anyway knowing this.
Before any Democratic candidate began the process of securing the parties nomination, all candidates acknowledged and understood that Florida's and Michigan's delegates would not be counted. All candidates agreed to this and as a result, no candidate even campaigned in those states. Voters stayed away from voting in the primaries too. Obamas name did not even appear on the ballots in those states.
Now, with Hilary Clinton falling further and further behind, she wants those delegates counted. She wants votes counted from ballots that don't even have the names of her rivals on them after she agreed along with everyone else that those delegates would not be counted. Even Howard Dean, the leader of the DNC, says it is not fair to change the rules in the middle of the game.
To be honest with you, I am blown away that after all the problems in counting votes in Florida, the Democrats would even allow this situation to happen. But it has and when Hilary was the front runner, she was fine with it.
Here are the mathematical facts as they are today. Obama leads in pledged super delegates and regular delegates. In other words, Obama, by any test you want to give, leads in the popular vote. If the DNC decides to vote Hilary for the Democratic candidate, it will be saying fuck you to the average voter and fuck you to the whole idea of following the rules. Again, each candidate agreed before the process started that those delegates would not be counted.
As usual, the Democrats find away to fuck themselves even in a year when people are closeting their Republican affiliations.
Now we have a mess with powerful peoples ego's getting bruised. Some people who are rich and support Hilary, have offered to pay for a recount of Florida and Michigan. Will there be new ballots or just the counting of ballots that only have Hilary's name on them? Will it make a difference to Hilary's campaign? Should those states have been penalized in this way? What the hell was the DNC even thinking?
At this point, I don't think it would put her ahead in pledged delegates. If the super delegates go against the will of the popular vote, they will look as bad as the Republicans they have been yelling about corruption and back room deals for the last 7 years. Like it or not Clinton's, but Obama is the choice of most Democrats. Maybe not the rich ones who own movie companies, or the Republicans who have donated a lot of money to you in the start, but the choice of Democrats who get up in the morning and wonder how they are going to pay for things.
Hillary loaned her campaign 5 million dollars a few months ago and just announced it is now giving herself another 6 million. Yet, she calls Obama the elitist. I have news for you Hillary, if you can give yourself 9 million dollars of your own money to continue to fight the obvious, you might want to reconsider calling Obama an elitist.
This is why more people continue to go for Obama, he is not calling anyone names or playing the normal game of politics like changing the rules for his benefit.
Before any Democratic candidate began the process of securing the parties nomination, all candidates acknowledged and understood that Florida's and Michigan's delegates would not be counted. All candidates agreed to this and as a result, no candidate even campaigned in those states. Voters stayed away from voting in the primaries too. Obamas name did not even appear on the ballots in those states.
Now, with Hilary Clinton falling further and further behind, she wants those delegates counted. She wants votes counted from ballots that don't even have the names of her rivals on them after she agreed along with everyone else that those delegates would not be counted. Even Howard Dean, the leader of the DNC, says it is not fair to change the rules in the middle of the game.
To be honest with you, I am blown away that after all the problems in counting votes in Florida, the Democrats would even allow this situation to happen. But it has and when Hilary was the front runner, she was fine with it.
Here are the mathematical facts as they are today. Obama leads in pledged super delegates and regular delegates. In other words, Obama, by any test you want to give, leads in the popular vote. If the DNC decides to vote Hilary for the Democratic candidate, it will be saying fuck you to the average voter and fuck you to the whole idea of following the rules. Again, each candidate agreed before the process started that those delegates would not be counted.
As usual, the Democrats find away to fuck themselves even in a year when people are closeting their Republican affiliations.
Now we have a mess with powerful peoples ego's getting bruised. Some people who are rich and support Hilary, have offered to pay for a recount of Florida and Michigan. Will there be new ballots or just the counting of ballots that only have Hilary's name on them? Will it make a difference to Hilary's campaign? Should those states have been penalized in this way? What the hell was the DNC even thinking?
At this point, I don't think it would put her ahead in pledged delegates. If the super delegates go against the will of the popular vote, they will look as bad as the Republicans they have been yelling about corruption and back room deals for the last 7 years. Like it or not Clinton's, but Obama is the choice of most Democrats. Maybe not the rich ones who own movie companies, or the Republicans who have donated a lot of money to you in the start, but the choice of Democrats who get up in the morning and wonder how they are going to pay for things.
Hillary loaned her campaign 5 million dollars a few months ago and just announced it is now giving herself another 6 million. Yet, she calls Obama the elitist. I have news for you Hillary, if you can give yourself 9 million dollars of your own money to continue to fight the obvious, you might want to reconsider calling Obama an elitist.
This is why more people continue to go for Obama, he is not calling anyone names or playing the normal game of politics like changing the rules for his benefit.
Just Another Show
Last night I drove to Davis for a show on campus. I have never performed at the college there. I see it every time I go up to Sacramento and back, but all I see is that parking garage it seemed to take them forever to build. Behind it is a school. A pretty nice school with a campus overrun with bikes and ducks. Apparently you are not suppose to feed the ducks. The males become larger and more aggressive. This in turn leads to them gang raping the female ducks.
Wow! Campus life is the same for females if you are a duck or a human I guess.
I saw a sandwich board advertising something for a co-ed pre-med fraternity. My gut says you should avoid this one ladies. What a great cover the guys have set up. "Who wants a jello-shot before we play doctor?"
Each time I do a show on a campus I become envious of the kids. I really do wish I would of gone. Especially to a place like this. I felt more like I was walking around the manicured lawns of an estate than a college. It was beautiful. I think I fell in love with half a dozen girls I passed walking around. Everyone looked so young and so fresh. I am so jealous that for them the adventure is just beginning.
The show was held in your typical multi-purpose college room complete with furniture that seemed right out of a Crate & Barrel catalogue, a fire place and stage. Yeah, I said fire place. How nice is that? And these were not those uncomfortable plastic chairs that gave my generation scoliosis and are legendary short attention span, these were wood and cushion chairs that would of fit in with some loft in the city. They even had a bit of my Comedy Central performance playing on TV screens around the campus. How about that!
25 People showed up.
That is always a little discourging. The weather was nice but 25 people at a free comedy show hurts the ego a little bit. I mean, it's free comedy on a Wednesday night!
There were four other young comics that went on before me. When I was told this I thought, oh shit! But they were all pretty good. A little rough around the edges, some jokes that I would drop and 3 of the 4 had bits about pimps and Ho's. We wonder why we go home alone after shows and jack-off? Maybe you shouldn't tell so many jokes about Pimps and Ho's guys. Then, women might talk to you. It was the first time in a long time that I actually sat and watched other comics perform. I am still amazed that in this age of CGI laden movies and video games that any of us can get a group of people to pay attention to us talk. But the little crowd was great. By the time I got up there we were an hour in and they were as warm as they were going to be. They were fun. I didn't want to leave the stage and the friendly warm room. When the show was over I got the usual nervous, "Nice show" from the girls and "good set" from the guys who then look down at their shoes. Just by being older you become an authority figure. Strange. I am still the guy I was when I was their age. We stood around for a while bull shitting and talking. It was only when I said I was going to my car that I realized they were hanging around to hang out with me. I am so bad with people off stage. I really don't know how to relate to them with out a microphone between them and me. As I walked back to my car with the poster from the show, I thought of how much this campus felt like the park by my house as a kid. The evening was warm and kids were stretched out on the grass in groups of 3's and 5's. This is always an odd time for me. That post show bliss is like a drug mixing with the let down that it's over and that I missed something in my life when I was younger. I recently told a class of new comics that you have to make peace with the idea right now that you will probably never be famous or even make that much money in stand-up. The best that you can hope for is this feeling I have right now. Of walking away from a great little show where you felt completely comfortable on stage, had fun and know you did well. Because really, that is all you get most nights if it goes well. I didn't make big bucks on this little gig and I am certainly not going back to the dorm room of some hot french student to talk politics and make love by the light of a lava lamp. But I feel good and that has to be enough.
Knowing that though, and climbing back into my car for that lonely drive down I-80 to
San Francisco is something else. Thats the thing; I want something else. Well, not something else, I still love being a stand-up, I want something more. Every time I finish a week at a club or a run of a few weeks working regularly, I just think what it must be like to do this more often. Even after 15 years I feel like I get a little better with every bit of stage time. What would it be like to be on stage night after night in front of crowds who showed up and paid to see you? It has to be a whole other high.
Well, I turn up the music, put the windows down and race down that dark stretch of I-80 on just another Wednesday night after another great show for a small crowd. It's good. But it's not enough anymore.
Wow! Campus life is the same for females if you are a duck or a human I guess.
I saw a sandwich board advertising something for a co-ed pre-med fraternity. My gut says you should avoid this one ladies. What a great cover the guys have set up. "Who wants a jello-shot before we play doctor?"
Each time I do a show on a campus I become envious of the kids. I really do wish I would of gone. Especially to a place like this. I felt more like I was walking around the manicured lawns of an estate than a college. It was beautiful. I think I fell in love with half a dozen girls I passed walking around. Everyone looked so young and so fresh. I am so jealous that for them the adventure is just beginning.
The show was held in your typical multi-purpose college room complete with furniture that seemed right out of a Crate & Barrel catalogue, a fire place and stage. Yeah, I said fire place. How nice is that? And these were not those uncomfortable plastic chairs that gave my generation scoliosis and are legendary short attention span, these were wood and cushion chairs that would of fit in with some loft in the city. They even had a bit of my Comedy Central performance playing on TV screens around the campus. How about that!
25 People showed up.
That is always a little discourging. The weather was nice but 25 people at a free comedy show hurts the ego a little bit. I mean, it's free comedy on a Wednesday night!
There were four other young comics that went on before me. When I was told this I thought, oh shit! But they were all pretty good. A little rough around the edges, some jokes that I would drop and 3 of the 4 had bits about pimps and Ho's. We wonder why we go home alone after shows and jack-off? Maybe you shouldn't tell so many jokes about Pimps and Ho's guys. Then, women might talk to you. It was the first time in a long time that I actually sat and watched other comics perform. I am still amazed that in this age of CGI laden movies and video games that any of us can get a group of people to pay attention to us talk. But the little crowd was great. By the time I got up there we were an hour in and they were as warm as they were going to be. They were fun. I didn't want to leave the stage and the friendly warm room. When the show was over I got the usual nervous, "Nice show" from the girls and "good set" from the guys who then look down at their shoes. Just by being older you become an authority figure. Strange. I am still the guy I was when I was their age. We stood around for a while bull shitting and talking. It was only when I said I was going to my car that I realized they were hanging around to hang out with me. I am so bad with people off stage. I really don't know how to relate to them with out a microphone between them and me. As I walked back to my car with the poster from the show, I thought of how much this campus felt like the park by my house as a kid. The evening was warm and kids were stretched out on the grass in groups of 3's and 5's. This is always an odd time for me. That post show bliss is like a drug mixing with the let down that it's over and that I missed something in my life when I was younger. I recently told a class of new comics that you have to make peace with the idea right now that you will probably never be famous or even make that much money in stand-up. The best that you can hope for is this feeling I have right now. Of walking away from a great little show where you felt completely comfortable on stage, had fun and know you did well. Because really, that is all you get most nights if it goes well. I didn't make big bucks on this little gig and I am certainly not going back to the dorm room of some hot french student to talk politics and make love by the light of a lava lamp. But I feel good and that has to be enough.
Knowing that though, and climbing back into my car for that lonely drive down I-80 to
San Francisco is something else. Thats the thing; I want something else. Well, not something else, I still love being a stand-up, I want something more. Every time I finish a week at a club or a run of a few weeks working regularly, I just think what it must be like to do this more often. Even after 15 years I feel like I get a little better with every bit of stage time. What would it be like to be on stage night after night in front of crowds who showed up and paid to see you? It has to be a whole other high.
Well, I turn up the music, put the windows down and race down that dark stretch of I-80 on just another Wednesday night after another great show for a small crowd. It's good. But it's not enough anymore.
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
snippet
Way to get Robert Downy Jr. to not take drugs or drink during the filming of a movie; put him inside a suit of armor.
Text message sent out by 19 year old San Diego College student/drug dealer.
"Attn faithful customers both myself and my associates will be in Vegas this coming weekend. So stock up, we will be back Sunday night."
Give them a break. After all, finals are coming up soon.
Overheard snippet of cell phone conversation in a parking garage. "...you are never to put your fish in the oven again! Put your father on the phone... Then wake him up!"
I kinda had the impression that her son put a fish bowl inside an oven as the Dad dozed off in an easy chair with a bottle of Jack Daniels at his side and Girls Gone Wild playing on the TV.
Subject line of an e-mail sent by the top mental health professional at the Veterans Affairs regarding the number of attempted suicides; "Shh!"
That one sorta of speaks for itself I think. It sums up the last 7 years of Bush & Company and the way they handle business. People get hurt, cover it up.
Ladies! Way to a mans heart; through your back door.
People I have offended this week with posted comments on various web sites; 2.
Number of apologies I have given this week for said comments; 2.
Average number of people I offend in a week; 4.
I am getting lazy.
Text message sent out by 19 year old San Diego College student/drug dealer.
"Attn faithful customers both myself and my associates will be in Vegas this coming weekend. So stock up, we will be back Sunday night."
Give them a break. After all, finals are coming up soon.
Overheard snippet of cell phone conversation in a parking garage. "...you are never to put your fish in the oven again! Put your father on the phone... Then wake him up!"
I kinda had the impression that her son put a fish bowl inside an oven as the Dad dozed off in an easy chair with a bottle of Jack Daniels at his side and Girls Gone Wild playing on the TV.
Subject line of an e-mail sent by the top mental health professional at the Veterans Affairs regarding the number of attempted suicides; "Shh!"
That one sorta of speaks for itself I think. It sums up the last 7 years of Bush & Company and the way they handle business. People get hurt, cover it up.
Ladies! Way to a mans heart; through your back door.
People I have offended this week with posted comments on various web sites; 2.
Number of apologies I have given this week for said comments; 2.
Average number of people I offend in a week; 4.
I am getting lazy.
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Slip & Slide
Gas Tax Holiday?
Anyone buying this idea? My sister lives in Illinois. When they tried this a few years ago, the oil companies just raised the price by the exact percentage the tax would of been at the pump. It was a holiday alright...for the oil companies. Also, if you don't collect taxes for three months, where will the money for road improvements and bridge construction come from? If they really want to do this then do it like the bad joke those IRS stimulus checks are. Send everyone a gift card for $40.00 that can only be used at a gas station. Otherwise, yeah, it's just a stunt that ends up accomplishing nothing.
I have revised my idea on what to do with Bush's, Mission Accomplished Banner. It will still be a Slip & Slide, but every time he leaves the White House, he must run and slide down it on the white house lawn before boarding any helicopter, car or airplane.
Also, for every American lost since declaring mission accomplished, we put one rock under the Slip & Slide. You ever slide down one of these in your back yard as a kid and hit a stone or root? Man, that will knock some wind out of you! If that doesn't get the President to start making smarter choices I don't know what will. It will be like trying to slide down a Cobble Stone path! Take that fucker!
Anyone buying this idea? My sister lives in Illinois. When they tried this a few years ago, the oil companies just raised the price by the exact percentage the tax would of been at the pump. It was a holiday alright...for the oil companies. Also, if you don't collect taxes for three months, where will the money for road improvements and bridge construction come from? If they really want to do this then do it like the bad joke those IRS stimulus checks are. Send everyone a gift card for $40.00 that can only be used at a gas station. Otherwise, yeah, it's just a stunt that ends up accomplishing nothing.
I have revised my idea on what to do with Bush's, Mission Accomplished Banner. It will still be a Slip & Slide, but every time he leaves the White House, he must run and slide down it on the white house lawn before boarding any helicopter, car or airplane.
Also, for every American lost since declaring mission accomplished, we put one rock under the Slip & Slide. You ever slide down one of these in your back yard as a kid and hit a stone or root? Man, that will knock some wind out of you! If that doesn't get the President to start making smarter choices I don't know what will. It will be like trying to slide down a Cobble Stone path! Take that fucker!
Monday, May 05, 2008
Any Ideas?
The last few weeks have been great. I have managed to work every room in the city. Twice on some nights, got to headline Cobb's on a Saturday, the Punch Line for two days last week and middle for Greg Proops this past weekend. Life is good!
Now comes the post work blues. Ugh.
I hate this part of it. I always feel like a super hero who has to go back to his secret identity after saving the city. Hang up the cape, take off the boots and sit down to the key board to crunch numbers in a cubicle. Ugh!
If you love what you do but can only do it for an hour a night, what do you do? You write a blog.
I also had an interesting conversation with a stranger recently who had a great idea. I have the ability to speak in front of people. I can verbally communicate ideas. There has to be a way to turn that into a marketable skill. Turns out, there is.
About once a year I have a minor anxiety attack that ends in tears and frustration. I think about what I should be doing besides comedy. Lets face it, as much as I love it and as good as I may be at it, I might never achieve the level of fame at it that I would like. Still have to pay bills and wake up feeling good about myself though so what is there? That my dear readers is the question I put to you. I know there are marketing companies out there and people who teach people how to speak for lectures, but what else is there? Anyone have any ideas on how to create a career with out a college diploma but the ability to speak with humor in front of crowds?
If you have any ideas, please let me know.
Now comes the post work blues. Ugh.
I hate this part of it. I always feel like a super hero who has to go back to his secret identity after saving the city. Hang up the cape, take off the boots and sit down to the key board to crunch numbers in a cubicle. Ugh!
If you love what you do but can only do it for an hour a night, what do you do? You write a blog.
I also had an interesting conversation with a stranger recently who had a great idea. I have the ability to speak in front of people. I can verbally communicate ideas. There has to be a way to turn that into a marketable skill. Turns out, there is.
About once a year I have a minor anxiety attack that ends in tears and frustration. I think about what I should be doing besides comedy. Lets face it, as much as I love it and as good as I may be at it, I might never achieve the level of fame at it that I would like. Still have to pay bills and wake up feeling good about myself though so what is there? That my dear readers is the question I put to you. I know there are marketing companies out there and people who teach people how to speak for lectures, but what else is there? Anyone have any ideas on how to create a career with out a college diploma but the ability to speak with humor in front of crowds?
If you have any ideas, please let me know.
Friday, May 02, 2008
The 2.0 Heart
Recently, I gave up dating or making any attempts to get involved with women. Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it.
I just want time to examine the choices I have made with women and put myself back together in such a way as to not leave myself open for any more of the same kind of damage.
A very interesting side effect has occurred; I have never had more female attention!
The Universe plays a practical joke on you when you attempt this. The desperate or damaged signal is no longer being broadcast to women. Instead, they are picking up a signal that quietly says, I am OK with being alone at this point in my life.
Who knew that the ultimate way to attract women is to be comfortable with who you are? Oh wait, that's what they always tell us!
I think it is the same phenomenon that happens when you are truly over the X. That's the moment when the X contacts you again.
The same thing happens on a national level too. A few years ago, there were stories that America had finally come to terms with it's war in Vietnam. Sure enough, Vietnam contacted us to see if we wanted to resume normalized relations.
We did.
It's going to be a long time before Iraq calls us to hang out and catch up over a cup of coffee and talk about old times.
I am being flirted with at random places during the day. I am getting phone numbers from women after shows. Women are telling me they are interested in me. What do you say? I say, thanks, but I really need to get this stuff figured out before I get involved with anyone else just now. No sex, no random hook-up's, no trolling the craigslist or hanging out by the door after shows to pick up the strays that fall behind. Nope. Just talking to women and making friendships. Turns out, I am a pretty good listener when I am not trying to get in their pants. Who knew!
Don't get me wrong, I still think about sex every other second, thats just being a guy, but at least I don't do or say something that embarrasses me now.
Much.
The first thing to do is look at the women I have been involved with and look for the things they have in common. Chain smoking. The one thing the women I have fallen for or spent any length of time with all had in common was chain smoking. Chain smoking is the emotional equivalent to a car parked on the side of the road with it's hazard lights on. Why are cars usually parked on the side of the road with their hazard lights on anyway? Something is broken but you don't know what. let me repeat that.
Something is broken but you don't know what.
The two women I have lived with also read books like you and I breathe. At first, it seems harmless enough. No one gives people who read a lot a hard time about it either. I mean, how stupid do you sound if you try? "Damn it! Have you been reading all day again?"
With reading, you sort of have to shrug your shoulders and think, hey-she's smart! Thats what they would do for most of the day though, chain smoke and read. That's it. Seriously. Granted, Borders Books is a far better crack house, but it's still a crack house for them. Somewhere in between chapters they would fit me in and any complaint of mine would be greeted with a condescending, "I'm reading."
So thats the second big thing they all had in common; they read books for escape.
They had extreme family issues too. I know; who doesn't right? But I mean extreme issues. One or more of the parents is extremely religious and emotionally distant. In fact, this is part of the insanity they had to grow up with that I really understand. I had to grow up with it too. My Mother constantly talked about God and Jesus like she had lunch with them everyday. Since we failed to believe in their views, we were considered let downs and in spite of God's eternal love and blah blah blah, we got emotionally distant Mothers who treated our lack of faith as a charter flaw to be pointed out constantly. They wanted us to learn about God and the Church. Instead, we got a lesson in hypocrisy for our childhood.
Thanks Mom=)
So it's fair to say that they all have abandonment issues.
Lets put the list together:
1. Something is broken inside but you don't know what.
2. They read for escape.
3. Extreme abandonment issues.
I am getting hard just reading that list! You see. Thats the problem! Something about this short list of charter traits is attractive to me. Of course they don't seem very attractive right now, but put it in context of a real world encounter. A beautiful young girl pages through a dog eared used book store copy of catcher in the rye. She sits outside a cafe casually drawing a breath off her cigarette held between slender fingers. When she exhales, she moves her hands and face in a gesture of gracefulness that stops you in your tracks. You manage to strike up a conversation and in the first minuet she makes you laugh with a sarcastic comment about her Fathers lack of attention in her life.
This is the part where I fall in love. Every time.
If we could pick who to fall in love with it might be a quieter world, but I suspect not a more interesting one. So how do you change what you are drawn too? Do you change something in you or do you look deeper at this list and look for what it is about their issues that gets you? Were they all looking for a Father figure to make up for something they didn't have in childhood? Are they looking for a knight in dented armour to rescue them from dragons in their heads? I don't know. I know it always starts out amazing and ends in drama I should of seen coming like a bad sit-com. Oh, they also hate science fiction. I mean hate! Thats another clear signal to me. In my head, it must function like this; she hates something I am wildly interested in, hates her dad but really wants his affection, smokes and reads. LOVE!
Kinda fucked up. I know.
The last and most important thing they all have in common was me. If I ever got rich enough and crazy enough to do it, I would track them all down and bring them to a hotel to meet each other just to see how they would react to each other. I am pretty sure they would hate each other. That might be the way to find out their flaws, let them sit around a pool chain smoking and reading as they trade sarcastic insults with each other about defects only they can see.
I think I smell reality show!
Eventually they would put it together that I was the common link in their lives. That would have to be creepy. It would creep me out if I was hanging out in the lobby of a hotel and after conversation with some strangers realized that at one time we all dated the same girl. At that point you would have to freak out a little bit. Then the embarrassment would come. Only the last boyfriend would be immune from the stories. He would know them all. The reason she broke up with the last guy, the troubles they had, what she really thought about things years after they happened, and the secrets she swore never to tell anyone that she of course told the next serious boyfriend.
I would need a lot of ash trays for my X-girlfriends' convention.
I wouldn't even have to be there for this. I could send market researchers to ask questions with clip boards in hand. Thats right, I would get all my X's together and do a focus group. What is something you didn't like about Joe? OK. Now name something that you really really liked him? You get the idea. Then, with genetic engineering, some education and a lot of positive reinforcement, I could grow the perfect cloned version from a little bit of all the girls I ever had feelings for!
Girlfriend 2.0
Girlfriend 2.0 would be on great terms with her family. Mostly because she would have no family. Girlfriend 2.0 would sit and talk Star Wars with me for hours as foreplay. Girlfriend 2.0 would have just enough ADD added to her genetic makeup so she couldn't read for hours on end. Girlfriend 2.0 would also eat meat, not smoke, not want to change my hair, be as dirty as a porn star but never send weird signals to my friends, love comedy, not have a cat, and develop a rash in the shape of a tear drop on the small of her back that would let me know when she was thinking of another man. Girlfriend 2.0 would be perfect!
Until of course she met some jaded womens Boyfriend 2.0 and runs of with him because they have more in common with each other than us. But hey, can you think of a better, This is how we met story than this?
Wishful thinking. I guess what I truly need is a 2.0 heart.
I just want time to examine the choices I have made with women and put myself back together in such a way as to not leave myself open for any more of the same kind of damage.
A very interesting side effect has occurred; I have never had more female attention!
The Universe plays a practical joke on you when you attempt this. The desperate or damaged signal is no longer being broadcast to women. Instead, they are picking up a signal that quietly says, I am OK with being alone at this point in my life.
Who knew that the ultimate way to attract women is to be comfortable with who you are? Oh wait, that's what they always tell us!
I think it is the same phenomenon that happens when you are truly over the X. That's the moment when the X contacts you again.
The same thing happens on a national level too. A few years ago, there were stories that America had finally come to terms with it's war in Vietnam. Sure enough, Vietnam contacted us to see if we wanted to resume normalized relations.
We did.
It's going to be a long time before Iraq calls us to hang out and catch up over a cup of coffee and talk about old times.
I am being flirted with at random places during the day. I am getting phone numbers from women after shows. Women are telling me they are interested in me. What do you say? I say, thanks, but I really need to get this stuff figured out before I get involved with anyone else just now. No sex, no random hook-up's, no trolling the craigslist or hanging out by the door after shows to pick up the strays that fall behind. Nope. Just talking to women and making friendships. Turns out, I am a pretty good listener when I am not trying to get in their pants. Who knew!
Don't get me wrong, I still think about sex every other second, thats just being a guy, but at least I don't do or say something that embarrasses me now.
Much.
The first thing to do is look at the women I have been involved with and look for the things they have in common. Chain smoking. The one thing the women I have fallen for or spent any length of time with all had in common was chain smoking. Chain smoking is the emotional equivalent to a car parked on the side of the road with it's hazard lights on. Why are cars usually parked on the side of the road with their hazard lights on anyway? Something is broken but you don't know what. let me repeat that.
Something is broken but you don't know what.
The two women I have lived with also read books like you and I breathe. At first, it seems harmless enough. No one gives people who read a lot a hard time about it either. I mean, how stupid do you sound if you try? "Damn it! Have you been reading all day again?"
With reading, you sort of have to shrug your shoulders and think, hey-she's smart! Thats what they would do for most of the day though, chain smoke and read. That's it. Seriously. Granted, Borders Books is a far better crack house, but it's still a crack house for them. Somewhere in between chapters they would fit me in and any complaint of mine would be greeted with a condescending, "I'm reading."
So thats the second big thing they all had in common; they read books for escape.
They had extreme family issues too. I know; who doesn't right? But I mean extreme issues. One or more of the parents is extremely religious and emotionally distant. In fact, this is part of the insanity they had to grow up with that I really understand. I had to grow up with it too. My Mother constantly talked about God and Jesus like she had lunch with them everyday. Since we failed to believe in their views, we were considered let downs and in spite of God's eternal love and blah blah blah, we got emotionally distant Mothers who treated our lack of faith as a charter flaw to be pointed out constantly. They wanted us to learn about God and the Church. Instead, we got a lesson in hypocrisy for our childhood.
Thanks Mom=)
So it's fair to say that they all have abandonment issues.
Lets put the list together:
1. Something is broken inside but you don't know what.
2. They read for escape.
3. Extreme abandonment issues.
I am getting hard just reading that list! You see. Thats the problem! Something about this short list of charter traits is attractive to me. Of course they don't seem very attractive right now, but put it in context of a real world encounter. A beautiful young girl pages through a dog eared used book store copy of catcher in the rye. She sits outside a cafe casually drawing a breath off her cigarette held between slender fingers. When she exhales, she moves her hands and face in a gesture of gracefulness that stops you in your tracks. You manage to strike up a conversation and in the first minuet she makes you laugh with a sarcastic comment about her Fathers lack of attention in her life.
This is the part where I fall in love. Every time.
If we could pick who to fall in love with it might be a quieter world, but I suspect not a more interesting one. So how do you change what you are drawn too? Do you change something in you or do you look deeper at this list and look for what it is about their issues that gets you? Were they all looking for a Father figure to make up for something they didn't have in childhood? Are they looking for a knight in dented armour to rescue them from dragons in their heads? I don't know. I know it always starts out amazing and ends in drama I should of seen coming like a bad sit-com. Oh, they also hate science fiction. I mean hate! Thats another clear signal to me. In my head, it must function like this; she hates something I am wildly interested in, hates her dad but really wants his affection, smokes and reads. LOVE!
Kinda fucked up. I know.
The last and most important thing they all have in common was me. If I ever got rich enough and crazy enough to do it, I would track them all down and bring them to a hotel to meet each other just to see how they would react to each other. I am pretty sure they would hate each other. That might be the way to find out their flaws, let them sit around a pool chain smoking and reading as they trade sarcastic insults with each other about defects only they can see.
I think I smell reality show!
Eventually they would put it together that I was the common link in their lives. That would have to be creepy. It would creep me out if I was hanging out in the lobby of a hotel and after conversation with some strangers realized that at one time we all dated the same girl. At that point you would have to freak out a little bit. Then the embarrassment would come. Only the last boyfriend would be immune from the stories. He would know them all. The reason she broke up with the last guy, the troubles they had, what she really thought about things years after they happened, and the secrets she swore never to tell anyone that she of course told the next serious boyfriend.
I would need a lot of ash trays for my X-girlfriends' convention.
I wouldn't even have to be there for this. I could send market researchers to ask questions with clip boards in hand. Thats right, I would get all my X's together and do a focus group. What is something you didn't like about Joe? OK. Now name something that you really really liked him? You get the idea. Then, with genetic engineering, some education and a lot of positive reinforcement, I could grow the perfect cloned version from a little bit of all the girls I ever had feelings for!
Girlfriend 2.0
Girlfriend 2.0 would be on great terms with her family. Mostly because she would have no family. Girlfriend 2.0 would sit and talk Star Wars with me for hours as foreplay. Girlfriend 2.0 would have just enough ADD added to her genetic makeup so she couldn't read for hours on end. Girlfriend 2.0 would also eat meat, not smoke, not want to change my hair, be as dirty as a porn star but never send weird signals to my friends, love comedy, not have a cat, and develop a rash in the shape of a tear drop on the small of her back that would let me know when she was thinking of another man. Girlfriend 2.0 would be perfect!
Until of course she met some jaded womens Boyfriend 2.0 and runs of with him because they have more in common with each other than us. But hey, can you think of a better, This is how we met story than this?
Wishful thinking. I guess what I truly need is a 2.0 heart.
Fire him!
Well, it's official; Never before in the history of modern polls has a President's approval rating been so low. Never before have more Americans said the country is headed in the wrong direction too. So you have to ask yourself, if you had been given a job review with such low marks, would you still be allowed that parking space? Probably not. But Bush still gets to direct the military, sign bills into laws and pretty much continue to run the country like he ran everything else in his life before he became President. Look, why don't we just sit him down, give him his last check and say goodbye? Seriously. What company would allow an employee that had fucked up as badly as Bush has to stay employed? He will be fine. Like Millions of other Americans he is eligible for unemployment. But if he stays on in his current position, millions of Americans will also be signing up for unemployment.
Did you know that Bank of America recorded a 70% drop in profits last quarter? Do you realize that all this rhetoric about a war with Iran only succeeds in driving the price of oil up? Did you know a local news station in New Orleans found a contractor working on the levee repairs dumping news paper into one of the new levees because government money had not come through as promised?
That is an outrage!
Doesn't he know old newspaper belongs in the recycle bin?
I don't know how to break it to you guys but were broke and Bush is pushing the accelerator to the floor. The Guy knows he is not only out of office in January, but he is going down as the worst President in modern history. Why is he still allowed in the White House? Send him on some do nothing trip, like a vacation to his ranch in Crawford, TX and while he is gone, change the locks on all the doors. He will get the message.
Shareholders are allowed to hold a vote when they loose confidence in a CEO.
Managers are allowed to fire employees who fail to do a good job.
Why can't we just send him a letter and be done with it? I'm not talking about impeachment, I'm talking about firing Americas Chief Executive Officer because he has fucked everything up so bad it will take two generations to fix things. Seriously! Why do we just accept behaviour from the President that wouldn't be tolerated anywhere else?
I was thinking about the whole Mission Accomplished banner some more and I thought, you know what, I believe him. If Bush had done it, it would of been misspelled.
Fire him!
Did you know that Bank of America recorded a 70% drop in profits last quarter? Do you realize that all this rhetoric about a war with Iran only succeeds in driving the price of oil up? Did you know a local news station in New Orleans found a contractor working on the levee repairs dumping news paper into one of the new levees because government money had not come through as promised?
That is an outrage!
Doesn't he know old newspaper belongs in the recycle bin?
I don't know how to break it to you guys but were broke and Bush is pushing the accelerator to the floor. The Guy knows he is not only out of office in January, but he is going down as the worst President in modern history. Why is he still allowed in the White House? Send him on some do nothing trip, like a vacation to his ranch in Crawford, TX and while he is gone, change the locks on all the doors. He will get the message.
Shareholders are allowed to hold a vote when they loose confidence in a CEO.
Managers are allowed to fire employees who fail to do a good job.
Why can't we just send him a letter and be done with it? I'm not talking about impeachment, I'm talking about firing Americas Chief Executive Officer because he has fucked everything up so bad it will take two generations to fix things. Seriously! Why do we just accept behaviour from the President that wouldn't be tolerated anywhere else?
I was thinking about the whole Mission Accomplished banner some more and I thought, you know what, I believe him. If Bush had done it, it would of been misspelled.
Fire him!
Thursday, May 01, 2008
A Lot to Prove
You ever sit at one of those tables outside the restaurants on Columbus Avenue? It has always looked so romantic to me. Saturday night I was walking with a friend from the Purple Onion to Cobb's. Nothing makes you feel like a San Francisco comic more than making this little trip. Leaving one venue to perform at the late show of another club is awesome. As we walked and bumped into people, I looked at the couples actually seated at those tables. You know what I noticed? The way complete strangers had to grind their crotches into the backs of peoples heads just to get around these tables. I know, sweet! You save for years to take a vacation in
San Francisco, have a meal in North Beach and when it finally happens, your wife's head gets pushed by a strangers groin into the glass of wine you just toasted your second honey moon with.
The weekend was good for me. I did the show at the Purple Onion then walked down Columbus Avenue to do the late shows at Cobb's. Here is a nice moment; It's Saturday night and I am headlining on the Cobb's stage. The crowd didn't come to see me. They came to see Jay Mohr, but he canceled at the last minuet. People were given their money back and told if they like, they could pay to see a local show. I not only did well, I crushed it! I crushed it to the point that when I told the crowd I had to get off stage, they moaned in unison wishing for the show to continue! That's a pretty cool feeling.
Then came Sunday.
In comedy, it feels like the Universe balances the scale with ruthless precision. Those shows where you feel great and everything is clicking are usually followed by the sort of events you don't care to remember. That was Sunday. The universe balanced it's books with a rash of phone calls and e-mails filled with drama and misunderstandings. Shows canceled, events moved, checks bounced, Booker's thinking things were explained that were not and a few random what the hell is this e-mail about, that contributed to my I hate the world rant on Monday.
Monday night came along and in a sour mood, I headed down to the Punch Line to perform in a benefit show for a high school. Comics get asked to do a lot of these shows. They are usually great. Everyone in the crowd is aware that they are here to raise money and the comedy is a nice bonus. This one was slightly different. It was to raise money for Belmont's Special Ed. Students. Or, as those of us not so P.C., it was for retards. Too mean? Well, you have to understand what a panic this set off in us. Comics were in the green room thinking over their acts for any reference to that word. Turns out we all had a lot of references to this word. In fact, one of the comics big closers was all about them.
Nice!
That didn't end up being the problem though. The problem became apparent almost as soon as the show started. This crowd was not the sort that usually ventured out to comedy clubs. So when the "fucks" and the "Cum" and the other various words started flying, the moans and groans of shock began. Standing in the back watching all of this, I thought it was pretty funny. But so what, I told the crowd when I got up there at the end. Yes, these are dirty sometimes vulgar jokes. But it's for the kids!
Tuesday was OK. Right down the middle. Not spectacular nor a train wreck, a good show. Last night was the one I worked myself into complete worry over. Here's why; Margret Cho.
Margret Cho is a San Francisco comedy icon. Say what you want about her, but she truly is a icon in this town. Apparently she is filming some new sort of show for VH1. If I had to guess, I would say it's some kind of reality show. I say this because the front row was composed of her parents, guys dressed like the gay version of Miami Vice and a midget. Here was the plan as it was explained to me. The camera crew would come in early to set up. The host would go up, do a few minuets and then bring Margret up. Word had been leaked and people were showing up to see her. This made us all a little nervous because she was literally doing 10 minuets at the top of the show and then leaving. Not just her either, but the cameras had to be broken down, the front row was to go with her and all this while we attempted to continue with our little show. The fear was a portion of the crowd would go with her or if they stayed, none of us would be able to rise above the star factor of her being there. There had to be 30 people there just to work the cameras and walk around with a smug sense of superiority holding radios and wearing appropriately ironic T-shirts. They all to leave too. How was this not going to create havoc in the middle of my little show? Oh and me being me, I had to come an hour early just to make sure I would be pissed off and jealous. Yeah. Thats how I roll. Thats exactly what I did too. I came to watch this spectacle to make myself feel jealous and upset. Well, it worked. A crowd began to gather at the front door all there to not see me. Cameras started rolling. The other comics were scared of fucking up in front of the person who inspired them to get into comedy. And I, I drifted into the kitchen muttering under my breath about it all. You have to understand, I have been at this now for 15 years. I also had spent my own money to place adds in the local edition of the Onion all to get a few people out for my show and it was now being completely upstaged by fame I can only wish for. So yes, I was unhappy and working hard in the way that I do to make myself more pissed about the whole thing.
When she went up. A huge round of applause greeted her. Here's the thing; she did alright. You certainly couldn't say she killed. She didn't bomb either, but the set was just...OK. You could feel the crowd shift uncomfortably in their seats as they realized, this was it. Once again, fame had attracted a crowd and like so many times in this situation, fame was the only attraction.
Then, after ten minuets, she said good night. Her parents, the cameras and the midget all disappeared out the side door of the club and once again, it was my show. When it came time for me to be introduced, I kept telling myself not to go up angry, not to go up pissed, not to go up and say something stupid. In 2 minuets I had my first applause break and never looked back. In fact, I killed. Afterwards, a lot of people said the same thing. "I came because of Margret, but you were amazing!" All in front of the Booker too. People had also come because they had seen my add in the Onion. All in all my worse fears about what would happen didn't even come close. All in all, it felt pretty great. Not because I did better than Margret, but because I did better than what my expectations were for the night. As for Margret, well the thing I have observed about famous comics over the years was perfectly demonstrated in all this. She has fame and fans and people love her, but the fire in her for stand-up is clearly not what it once was. And even though you have the fame and fans, if you don't deliver the jokes, you leave them with an odd sense of let down. I doubt she left with a sense of let down, but I know that when I took the stage I took it like a man who had everything to prove. That is the secret to a great show from a comic; do they have something to prove? Margret doesn't have to prove anything anymore. People will show up if you put her name on the door. Because she has reached the level I want to be at, she can deliver a so-so performance and let the TV crew edit it as they see fit for whatever show will continue to grow her fame. But for me, every time I get introduced, I feel the crowd look at me like who are you? I feel their expectations drop when I am introduced. Not because they are cruel, but in this world of fame is everything I am unknown. Unknown, in this day and age is equal to, He must not be that good. Thats the thing that gets under my skin and drives me fucking crazy. There is absolutely no connection between famous and good. None. Night after night, show after show I go up and kill and gather a few more fans. Why? I still have a lot to prove.
San Francisco, have a meal in North Beach and when it finally happens, your wife's head gets pushed by a strangers groin into the glass of wine you just toasted your second honey moon with.
The weekend was good for me. I did the show at the Purple Onion then walked down Columbus Avenue to do the late shows at Cobb's. Here is a nice moment; It's Saturday night and I am headlining on the Cobb's stage. The crowd didn't come to see me. They came to see Jay Mohr, but he canceled at the last minuet. People were given their money back and told if they like, they could pay to see a local show. I not only did well, I crushed it! I crushed it to the point that when I told the crowd I had to get off stage, they moaned in unison wishing for the show to continue! That's a pretty cool feeling.
Then came Sunday.
In comedy, it feels like the Universe balances the scale with ruthless precision. Those shows where you feel great and everything is clicking are usually followed by the sort of events you don't care to remember. That was Sunday. The universe balanced it's books with a rash of phone calls and e-mails filled with drama and misunderstandings. Shows canceled, events moved, checks bounced, Booker's thinking things were explained that were not and a few random what the hell is this e-mail about, that contributed to my I hate the world rant on Monday.
Monday night came along and in a sour mood, I headed down to the Punch Line to perform in a benefit show for a high school. Comics get asked to do a lot of these shows. They are usually great. Everyone in the crowd is aware that they are here to raise money and the comedy is a nice bonus. This one was slightly different. It was to raise money for Belmont's Special Ed. Students. Or, as those of us not so P.C., it was for retards. Too mean? Well, you have to understand what a panic this set off in us. Comics were in the green room thinking over their acts for any reference to that word. Turns out we all had a lot of references to this word. In fact, one of the comics big closers was all about them.
Nice!
That didn't end up being the problem though. The problem became apparent almost as soon as the show started. This crowd was not the sort that usually ventured out to comedy clubs. So when the "fucks" and the "Cum" and the other various words started flying, the moans and groans of shock began. Standing in the back watching all of this, I thought it was pretty funny. But so what, I told the crowd when I got up there at the end. Yes, these are dirty sometimes vulgar jokes. But it's for the kids!
Tuesday was OK. Right down the middle. Not spectacular nor a train wreck, a good show. Last night was the one I worked myself into complete worry over. Here's why; Margret Cho.
Margret Cho is a San Francisco comedy icon. Say what you want about her, but she truly is a icon in this town. Apparently she is filming some new sort of show for VH1. If I had to guess, I would say it's some kind of reality show. I say this because the front row was composed of her parents, guys dressed like the gay version of Miami Vice and a midget. Here was the plan as it was explained to me. The camera crew would come in early to set up. The host would go up, do a few minuets and then bring Margret up. Word had been leaked and people were showing up to see her. This made us all a little nervous because she was literally doing 10 minuets at the top of the show and then leaving. Not just her either, but the cameras had to be broken down, the front row was to go with her and all this while we attempted to continue with our little show. The fear was a portion of the crowd would go with her or if they stayed, none of us would be able to rise above the star factor of her being there. There had to be 30 people there just to work the cameras and walk around with a smug sense of superiority holding radios and wearing appropriately ironic T-shirts. They all to leave too. How was this not going to create havoc in the middle of my little show? Oh and me being me, I had to come an hour early just to make sure I would be pissed off and jealous. Yeah. Thats how I roll. Thats exactly what I did too. I came to watch this spectacle to make myself feel jealous and upset. Well, it worked. A crowd began to gather at the front door all there to not see me. Cameras started rolling. The other comics were scared of fucking up in front of the person who inspired them to get into comedy. And I, I drifted into the kitchen muttering under my breath about it all. You have to understand, I have been at this now for 15 years. I also had spent my own money to place adds in the local edition of the Onion all to get a few people out for my show and it was now being completely upstaged by fame I can only wish for. So yes, I was unhappy and working hard in the way that I do to make myself more pissed about the whole thing.
When she went up. A huge round of applause greeted her. Here's the thing; she did alright. You certainly couldn't say she killed. She didn't bomb either, but the set was just...OK. You could feel the crowd shift uncomfortably in their seats as they realized, this was it. Once again, fame had attracted a crowd and like so many times in this situation, fame was the only attraction.
Then, after ten minuets, she said good night. Her parents, the cameras and the midget all disappeared out the side door of the club and once again, it was my show. When it came time for me to be introduced, I kept telling myself not to go up angry, not to go up pissed, not to go up and say something stupid. In 2 minuets I had my first applause break and never looked back. In fact, I killed. Afterwards, a lot of people said the same thing. "I came because of Margret, but you were amazing!" All in front of the Booker too. People had also come because they had seen my add in the Onion. All in all my worse fears about what would happen didn't even come close. All in all, it felt pretty great. Not because I did better than Margret, but because I did better than what my expectations were for the night. As for Margret, well the thing I have observed about famous comics over the years was perfectly demonstrated in all this. She has fame and fans and people love her, but the fire in her for stand-up is clearly not what it once was. And even though you have the fame and fans, if you don't deliver the jokes, you leave them with an odd sense of let down. I doubt she left with a sense of let down, but I know that when I took the stage I took it like a man who had everything to prove. That is the secret to a great show from a comic; do they have something to prove? Margret doesn't have to prove anything anymore. People will show up if you put her name on the door. Because she has reached the level I want to be at, she can deliver a so-so performance and let the TV crew edit it as they see fit for whatever show will continue to grow her fame. But for me, every time I get introduced, I feel the crowd look at me like who are you? I feel their expectations drop when I am introduced. Not because they are cruel, but in this world of fame is everything I am unknown. Unknown, in this day and age is equal to, He must not be that good. Thats the thing that gets under my skin and drives me fucking crazy. There is absolutely no connection between famous and good. None. Night after night, show after show I go up and kill and gather a few more fans. Why? I still have a lot to prove.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Mission Accomplished: 5 Years After.
The check is in the mail, I won't cum in your mouth and now ladies and gentleman, The Mission Accomplished Banner the President displayed five years ago tomorrow was not for Iraq, but the sailors on board the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln.
This is what the White House Press Secretary said about it today.
"President Bush is well aware that the banner should have been much more specific and said mission accomplished' for these sailors who are on this ship on their mission," White House Press Secretary Dana Perino said Wednesday. "And we have certainly paid a price for not being more specific on that banner. And I recognize that the media is going to play this up again tomorrow, as they do every single year."
Really? Cause I have looked at the speech he gave that day and he mentioned the sailors were done with their deployment. That was about it. He did say this however.
"Major combat operations in Iraq have ended. The battle of Iraq is one victory in a war on terror that began on Sept. 11, 2001, and still goes on."
Man these people lie like the rest of us breathe! That banner was put there by the White House as a back drop for the President to claim victory in Iraq. 5 years later, were still there. Oops!
I want to buy that banner. I'm sure someone will sell it on eBay someday. I want to put it on the White House lawn and turn it into a slip and slide with a rock just under it at the end. The President would have to run and slide down it every time he makes any statements about Iraq, the war on terror and especially 9/11.
So the Banner was suppose to read, Mission accomplished for the sailors who are on this ship?
I am surprised they don't claim that they were saving the people money by simply abbreviating the message. Kinko's is not cheap people!
When it started to become apparent that the Mission in Iraq was not accomplished, the White House threw the sailors of the U.S.S. Lincoln under the bus. They in told reporters that they had nothing to do with it and it was the sailors who put it up.
Dumb lie. Easy to check.
The Commanding officer told the press that it was in fact the White House who approached them with the idea of putting up the banner.
After that came out, the White House did admit to it. Two years later.
If you go to the official White House page and view the photos of this historic speech, you will notice that in all the shots of the President, the Banner can not be seen.
Now, five years after the speech we are told yet another version of what it was and what it meant. Don't you see people? Your lying eyes are the trouble here. Not the White House.
Holly Shit!
Just fucking admit that your ego got the best of you and you put up a giant sign that said we won, way to early and now it rightfully does haunt you! It had nothing to do with the sailors on board or the military or even 9/11 for that matter.
Please save that banner though. On the morning of President Obama being sworn in, I want that banner hung over the steeps of the capitol; Mission Accomplished!
This is what the White House Press Secretary said about it today.
"President Bush is well aware that the banner should have been much more specific and said mission accomplished' for these sailors who are on this ship on their mission," White House Press Secretary Dana Perino said Wednesday. "And we have certainly paid a price for not being more specific on that banner. And I recognize that the media is going to play this up again tomorrow, as they do every single year."
Really? Cause I have looked at the speech he gave that day and he mentioned the sailors were done with their deployment. That was about it. He did say this however.
"Major combat operations in Iraq have ended. The battle of Iraq is one victory in a war on terror that began on Sept. 11, 2001, and still goes on."
Man these people lie like the rest of us breathe! That banner was put there by the White House as a back drop for the President to claim victory in Iraq. 5 years later, were still there. Oops!
I want to buy that banner. I'm sure someone will sell it on eBay someday. I want to put it on the White House lawn and turn it into a slip and slide with a rock just under it at the end. The President would have to run and slide down it every time he makes any statements about Iraq, the war on terror and especially 9/11.
So the Banner was suppose to read, Mission accomplished for the sailors who are on this ship?
I am surprised they don't claim that they were saving the people money by simply abbreviating the message. Kinko's is not cheap people!
When it started to become apparent that the Mission in Iraq was not accomplished, the White House threw the sailors of the U.S.S. Lincoln under the bus. They in told reporters that they had nothing to do with it and it was the sailors who put it up.
Dumb lie. Easy to check.
The Commanding officer told the press that it was in fact the White House who approached them with the idea of putting up the banner.
After that came out, the White House did admit to it. Two years later.
If you go to the official White House page and view the photos of this historic speech, you will notice that in all the shots of the President, the Banner can not be seen.
Now, five years after the speech we are told yet another version of what it was and what it meant. Don't you see people? Your lying eyes are the trouble here. Not the White House.
Holly Shit!
Just fucking admit that your ego got the best of you and you put up a giant sign that said we won, way to early and now it rightfully does haunt you! It had nothing to do with the sailors on board or the military or even 9/11 for that matter.
Please save that banner though. On the morning of President Obama being sworn in, I want that banner hung over the steeps of the capitol; Mission Accomplished!
Rev. Wright & Wrong
In America, you are allowed to be associated with a minister who says crazy shit if you are white. If you are black, then you are not allowed to be associated with a black minister who says crazy shit. Thats the conclusion I have come to after watching Barack Obama have to answer questions about sermons his Minister gave.
John McCain has the endorsement of a Texas Minister who said Katrina was God's punishment for a gay pride parade New Orleans was suppose to have that day. Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson have each said that 9/11 was God's punishment for Gays, abortions and the ACLU. None of the White Politicians they gave their endorsements to have had to answer for them. On the rare occasion when the press has asked, people like Bush were allowed to get a way with the answer of, "Thats their right to believe that."
George Bush was asked if he consulted his father before going into Iraq. His answer to Bob Woodward was, "I consulted a higher Father." The implication being, he talked to God and was given to permission to invade a country on a lie.
Thats pretty crazy.
But only Obama has been held accountable for the mind of another man.
I think it is 'code' racism'.
"Look at what Obamas minister thinks. Thats what all blacks think!"
Bias has not gone away, it has just learned to be more polite in the age of P.C. My mother whispers things like this. "Your Father and I ate at a wonderful restaurant last night. Our server, black."
The thing is, you cannot come out and say, I don't like Obama because he is black. Instead, you find someone close to him who has said outlandish things and use that as a club to beat him over the head with. The only way Obama could ease the fears of these white people is to run a Turkey sandwich with mayo on wonder bread for Vice President.
Now, can we get to talking about the war, a falling economy and health care? No? OK. How about Hanna Montana's photos for Vanity Fare? That seems like a very important issue. Who cares?
If you can't see she is ten years away from shaving her head and getting out of cars without her panties then you are not paying attention to what we do to young girls in the press. Disney, a Billion dollar a year company that pushes products and movies to young girls to come out and say she was manipulated into posing for a photo is the height of irony.
John McCain has the endorsement of a Texas Minister who said Katrina was God's punishment for a gay pride parade New Orleans was suppose to have that day. Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson have each said that 9/11 was God's punishment for Gays, abortions and the ACLU. None of the White Politicians they gave their endorsements to have had to answer for them. On the rare occasion when the press has asked, people like Bush were allowed to get a way with the answer of, "Thats their right to believe that."
George Bush was asked if he consulted his father before going into Iraq. His answer to Bob Woodward was, "I consulted a higher Father." The implication being, he talked to God and was given to permission to invade a country on a lie.
Thats pretty crazy.
But only Obama has been held accountable for the mind of another man.
I think it is 'code' racism'.
"Look at what Obamas minister thinks. Thats what all blacks think!"
Bias has not gone away, it has just learned to be more polite in the age of P.C. My mother whispers things like this. "Your Father and I ate at a wonderful restaurant last night. Our server, black."
The thing is, you cannot come out and say, I don't like Obama because he is black. Instead, you find someone close to him who has said outlandish things and use that as a club to beat him over the head with. The only way Obama could ease the fears of these white people is to run a Turkey sandwich with mayo on wonder bread for Vice President.
Now, can we get to talking about the war, a falling economy and health care? No? OK. How about Hanna Montana's photos for Vanity Fare? That seems like a very important issue. Who cares?
If you can't see she is ten years away from shaving her head and getting out of cars without her panties then you are not paying attention to what we do to young girls in the press. Disney, a Billion dollar a year company that pushes products and movies to young girls to come out and say she was manipulated into posing for a photo is the height of irony.
Monday, April 28, 2008
I am filled with hate
I hate drama, the little people who make it, spread and deny it, the elderly, the young, the rich, the poor, I hate skittles commercials, Kinko's employees (Do they only hire retards?) people who insist they need two spaces for their car instead of one, passive aggressive communications (text Messaging!) Mothers fawning over their babies, babies who cry, babies in public, the thought of babies, smiling babies, vegetarians (Too easy?) proud meat eaters, people who change their minds after agreeing to something months ago that was their idea in the first place, clowns, comics who do magic-juggling, DMV paper work, drunk people who yell at you that they are not drunk, women who knowingly send mixed signals because they can, men who use gallons of aftershave, any axe product, all the hype for Iron Man, salad, spring mattresses, looking for a new apartment, dreams with X-Girlfriends in them, X-girlfriends, the letter X, Racer X, the term-X marks the spot, x-rays, anyone who spends more than 30 seconds at the milk counter at starbucks after they got their coffee, MUNI buses that were never there when I was riding them but are now always there when I am pulling out of a drive way, any joke about Brittney Spears, anyone who truly thinks Hanna Montana isn't going down the same path, tea drinkers, that stuff in the corners of old peoples mouth (I think it's spite) almost all Facebook applications now, obviously Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, some Saturdays and especially Sundays, 8 of the 12 months, CNN, FOX, NPR, getting sucked into Law & Order marathons and then wondering what happened to my day, really pretty girls who are as dumb as they are hot, dumb girls who think they are hot, older women trying to be young girls, not so hot girls dressing like they are, Myspace error messages, commercials for movies now available on Blue Ray for twice the price it was to buy a ticket to see it when it was in the theaters, people who constantly talk about their work in the third person ("we just finished this project...") anytime my Mother starts to whisper, mixed nuts, old lady perfume, 80's songs used for commercials, not sleeping and staring at the clock thinking I will still get four hours if I fall asleep now, lists like this, top ten lists, books of lists, people who laugh while paging through books of lists, homeless guys in better shoes than I have asking for change, paper cuts, dry skin, becoming immune to porn, any story that starts out with, "My girlfriend and I just love the...", really cold drinks hurting my teeth, really hot drinks burning my lips, really old chap stick, car troubles of any kind, lint covered candy that still looks like it might be good, getting older, scratching an itch that doesn't feel better afterwards, random memories of times you don't want to think about popping into your head for no good reason at all, stale root beer, bad sushi, anyone over the age of 12 that regularly says "Oh my God!" and most likely, YOU!
Friday, April 25, 2008
Promotion Baby!
This just in!
Wednesday, May 30th. Margret Cho & ME!
You read right. Margret Cho is filming a short set for VH1 at the Punch Line. See me and the notorious cho on one ticket.
Jay Mohr Canceled at Cobb's tonight and tomorrow. I will be there on the late shows tonight and Saturday.
Cobb's
Looks like Friday nights show at the Purple Onion is selling out! Saturday still has about half the seats available. Come on down and hear politics as it is meant to be heard; with laughter and skepticism.
$20.00 Use the site for reservations, but it's all cash at the door.
Comedy Against Evil
Tuesday & Wednesday of next week at the San Francisco Punch Line are doing pretty well too!
Still plenty of tickets available if you want in. $14.00
Thursday-Saturday I am with Greg Proops from whose line is it anyway!
Sunday is the world famous fabulous Showcase.
Monday, May 5th is the return of GET IT!? A Stand-Up Comedy Game Show!
Punch Line, San Francisco
Wednesday, May 30th. Margret Cho & ME!
You read right. Margret Cho is filming a short set for VH1 at the Punch Line. See me and the notorious cho on one ticket.
Jay Mohr Canceled at Cobb's tonight and tomorrow. I will be there on the late shows tonight and Saturday.
Cobb's
Looks like Friday nights show at the Purple Onion is selling out! Saturday still has about half the seats available. Come on down and hear politics as it is meant to be heard; with laughter and skepticism.
$20.00 Use the site for reservations, but it's all cash at the door.
Comedy Against Evil
Tuesday & Wednesday of next week at the San Francisco Punch Line are doing pretty well too!
Still plenty of tickets available if you want in. $14.00
Thursday-Saturday I am with Greg Proops from whose line is it anyway!
Sunday is the world famous fabulous Showcase.
Monday, May 5th is the return of GET IT!? A Stand-Up Comedy Game Show!
Punch Line, San Francisco
A Little of This and a Little of That.
In many cases after people receive donated organs, they develop cravings or personality traits that the original person had. I think this happens with used cars too. A friend of mine bought a previously owned Humvee. He told me that with in two weeks of owning it, he started voting republican and lost 3 inches off his dick.
Wesley Snipes was just sentenced for tax evasion. He was given 3 years and ordered not to make anymore Vampire movies.
Does anyone remember if anyone in the Enron scandal actually did any time? Just asking.
At Yankee Stadium, construction workers dug up a Red Sox jersey poured into the cement under home plate. It was put there as a way to "curse" the Yankees. Makes me wonder what the X left buried under my bed. Better yet, someone should look under the White House for an Iraqi flag. Might explain a lot.
At a recent private gig for a rich guy turning 50, I had one of the worse audiences I have yet to encounter. What is it with bored pretentious rich white guys anyway that makes them so unable to allow joy to register on their face? I had been contacted by the wife who wanted to throw a party where I would come out and do 20 minuets. She had seen me at the death penalty focus benefit I did last month. She is a life long liberal, he works for a company in the south bay that produces "smart" munitions for the military. They both believe that opposites attract. Problem is, in his field they attract and then explode.
I am always fascinated that people in the weapons business never say they are in the weapons business. Instead it is always, defense contractor. Hey, whatever you gotta tell yourself to go to bed at night, right? I know, you are reading this and wondering when it starts to go horribly wrong. Probably wondering why I took the gig in the first place too $$$$!
The crowd of middle age white people, sipping martinis and complementing each other on their tans, is largely bored by any thing I have to offer. It is not going well. Toward the end I turn to the husband and say, "I suppose you are use to seeing bombs like this?"
This comment makes everyone go quiet. Later, on my way to the car, it is explained to me that no one is ever permitted to talk about his job. They apparently enjoy the profits from death and destruction, they just don't like to think about what his product does though.
His indifferent smile vanishes. Looking at me with steely eyes, he sets his drink down and replies, "It's OK. I understand that comedy is largely a defense mechanism."
"I guess were in the same business then." I say.
Show over.
Wesley Snipes was just sentenced for tax evasion. He was given 3 years and ordered not to make anymore Vampire movies.
Does anyone remember if anyone in the Enron scandal actually did any time? Just asking.
At Yankee Stadium, construction workers dug up a Red Sox jersey poured into the cement under home plate. It was put there as a way to "curse" the Yankees. Makes me wonder what the X left buried under my bed. Better yet, someone should look under the White House for an Iraqi flag. Might explain a lot.
At a recent private gig for a rich guy turning 50, I had one of the worse audiences I have yet to encounter. What is it with bored pretentious rich white guys anyway that makes them so unable to allow joy to register on their face? I had been contacted by the wife who wanted to throw a party where I would come out and do 20 minuets. She had seen me at the death penalty focus benefit I did last month. She is a life long liberal, he works for a company in the south bay that produces "smart" munitions for the military. They both believe that opposites attract. Problem is, in his field they attract and then explode.
I am always fascinated that people in the weapons business never say they are in the weapons business. Instead it is always, defense contractor. Hey, whatever you gotta tell yourself to go to bed at night, right? I know, you are reading this and wondering when it starts to go horribly wrong. Probably wondering why I took the gig in the first place too $$$$!
The crowd of middle age white people, sipping martinis and complementing each other on their tans, is largely bored by any thing I have to offer. It is not going well. Toward the end I turn to the husband and say, "I suppose you are use to seeing bombs like this?"
This comment makes everyone go quiet. Later, on my way to the car, it is explained to me that no one is ever permitted to talk about his job. They apparently enjoy the profits from death and destruction, they just don't like to think about what his product does though.
His indifferent smile vanishes. Looking at me with steely eyes, he sets his drink down and replies, "It's OK. I understand that comedy is largely a defense mechanism."
"I guess were in the same business then." I say.
Show over.
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