Friday, January 11, 2008

Thinking out loud.

How is it that the candidates actually talking about the issues are the "fringe" candidates? What is it about Dennis Kucinich or Ron Paul that makes them "unelectable?"
Hilary cried!
News for three days everywhere.
Pollsters got it wrong in New Hampshire Primary.
Still news!
How about this.
Republican members of the 9/11 commission say they feel lied to. Those C.I.A. interrogations tapes you hear about every now and again, well the 9/11 commission now says that they should have been given those tapes. After all, they did subpoena the U.S. Government for all and all related information on anything and everything related to the the attack on 9/11.
Something like is what we use to call news.
Do you think Britney is Bi-polar? Dose Hannah Montana use a body double during concerts?
This is the stuff thats news now.

I am voting for Obama, but even I have noticed his language becoming more purposely vague. It's politics. It's human nature. It's fucking high school is what it is.
Hey, any of you. How are we getting out of Iraq?
Do you realize a national energy policy is the same thing as our defense policy these days?
If John F. Kennedy made getting to the Moon a national priority that was accomplished in 8 years, why can't we do the same thing with pollution free energy production?
Maybe we should embed a few reporters with the peace movement too. Just a thought. If journalists are willing to ride in tanks through the streets of down town Baghdad, why wouldn't they want to get high and fuck up traffic in San Francisco every once in a while?
Every week one Billion dollars is put on credit to pay for the Iraq occupation. Imagine what we could do with that. One Billion dollars a week!

Life goes on. Not only do we face the prospect of continued war at the cost of life and national treasure, but now we have to deal with T.V. shows not airing because of the writers strike. Put that up against the headlines of any other nation.
Ethnic cleansing with machetes in Africa.
Girl, 18 to be stoned for being raped.
Writers strike. No new episodes of desperate housewives.
You want to see America go nuts? Lets see what happens in the next few months. Dan Rather once said that the only thing that makes Americans truly upset is when traffic gets messed up. That and having our national narcotic suddenly relegated to reruns and B list reality T.V. shows. Jesus! We might have to talk to each other or something.
Can you imagine what we might talk about? Maybe the issues that only the crazy people are talking about?
How do we get out of Iraq? What really did happen on 9/11? Is the economy headed down?
You know, issues. I would like to hear all the people running for for our vote to speak intelligently about these issues. I would like it, but I know it ain't going to happen either. It will be more talking heads on the news dissecting minor events for days at a time while no one gives us answers.
I don't know who the next President will be, but I feel sorry for them.

Thursday, January 10, 2008


I have been wanting to get outside more after spending time at my friends cabin. I want to go hiking, camping and even canoe a river or two. I have been wanting to do these things and I kept seeing commercials about it, so I finally went ahead and did what all those people in the commercials did; I got herpes!
I can't wait to get back to the great outdoors!

Here is how I think I sold my Dad on the idea of electing Barrack Obama for President. The White House is entirely paid for and maintained by public money. Dad, put another black man into public housing.

Did you see the footage of the Iranian speed boats moving around our ships? I understand that it is a potentially dangerous situation. The U.S.S. Cole lost 18 sailors and had a hole blown into the side of it when a small boat pulled along side it at a port in Yemen. But when you look at this video you see our war ships bristling with weapons and all kinds of detectors. The Iranian boats look like supped up versions of the paddle boats they use in the It's a Small world After All ride at Disney World. This is the major threat to world peace? I don't see it.

Marion Jones has been sentenced to prison for lying to prosecutors about her steroid use. Damn! OK, lets talk about steroid use in sports. After all, it seems to get more attention than anything else. So what. Thats my take on the whole damn thing. So what. Barry Bonds is taking shit and you have to be an idiot not to know that. again, so what. The U.S. Air force routinely gives it's pilots speed for missions. Thats not an urban legend or some Internet myth. The U.S. Air Force does indeed give pilots amphetamines. It helps them to stay alert on long bombing missions. In other words, it is a drug given specifically to enhance their performance. If U.S. fighter pilots are allowed to use drugs to enhance their performance, I don't see why an athlete can't risk their own health by taking steroids so they can hit a ball farther.
I have mentioned the Air Force drug thing before. At first people just refuse to believe it. No way! Thats what they tell me. I suggest they do some of their own research with sources they will believe. They always come back with an open mouth. I don't believe it but it's true.
You shouldn't be surprised. The history of drugs in modern warfare can be traced back to the Nazis. They invented amphetamines. It's a big part of the reason why the Nazi invasions of other countries was referred to as a blitz. people just didn't understand how whole armies could move so fast for so long. Turns out, the Nazi military utilized the drug to great effect.
Back then, they were using meth and calling themselves the master race. Now days, you use meth and your white trash. It took 50 years, but there is your profile in drug abuse; start out as the master race taking over the world and end up in a trailer outside of Modesto with 12 cats and a "lab."
Fact is, the U.S. Military is using a drug invented by the Nazis to make combat more efficient.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Ghosts of Vietnam

Read this story!
When your reading it, keep asking yourself what we will find out about the Iraq war 40 years from now. I'll tell you this much, the people who keep trying to sell me on the whole 9-11 inside job conspiracy theories, sound less crazy to me.
The worse thing one nation can do to another is wage war on them. The biggest sacrifice a nation can ask of it's citizens is to fight in a war. What if it turns out that war never needed to be fought?

Remember, we know for a fact that the Iraq war was started with "faked" intelligence. What will we find out when Bush is gone?

WASHINGTON (AFP) - North Vietnamese made hoax calls to get the US military to bomb its own units during the Vietnam War, according to declassified information that also confirmed US officials faked an incident to escalate the war.
The report was released by the National Security Agency, responsible for much of the United States' codebreaking and eavesdropping work, in response to a "mandatory declassification" request, the Federation of American Scientists (FAS) said Monday.
From the first intercepted cable -- a 1945 message from Vietnamese leader Ho Chi Minh to his Russian counterpart Joseph Stalin -- to the final evacuation of US spies from Saigon, the 500-page report retold Vietnam War history from the perspective of "signals intelligence," the group said in a statement.
During the war, North Vietnamese intelligence units sometimes succeeded in penetrating US communications systems, and they could monitor American message traffic from within, according to the report "Spartans in Darkness."
On several occasions "the communists were able, by communicating on Allied radio nets, to call in Allied artillery or air strikes on American units," it said.
"That's something I have never heard before," Steven Aftergood, director of the FAS project on government secrecy, told AFP.
But he said that probably the "most historically significant feature" of the declassified report was the retelling of the 1964 Gulf of Tonkin incident.
That was a reported North Vietnamese attack on American destroyers that helped lead to president Lyndon Johnson's sharp escalation of American forces in Vietnam.
The author of the report "demonstrates that not only is it not true, as (then US) secretary of defense Robert McNamara told Congress, that the evidence of an attack was 'unimpeachable,' but that to the contrary, a review of the classified signals intelligence proves that 'no attack happened that night,'" FAS said in a statement.
"What this study demonstrated is that the available intelligence shows that there was no attack. It's a dramatic reversal of the historical record," Aftergood said.
"There were previous indications of this but this is the first time we have seen the complete study," he said.

Tears of a former first lady

So what if Hillary got emotional talking about what this election means to her. I don't know about you, but I want my leader to be human. I want to hope that any leader of this country would shed a few tears from time to time. I seriously doubt anyone is crying in the White House now. The only thing about Hilary getting emotional was that it seemed more about her thinking she is next in line to be President and less to do with what she thinks this country needs.
Just my two cents.
What makes me angry is Bill Clinton's comments about Obama at a rally last night. He raged at the media for not being tougher on Obama and called Obamas run at the White House a Fairy Tale.
Wasn't Clinton the guy who ran for President on a platform of kicking the bums out? They had an official song too. It was Fleetwood Mac's, Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow.
Sorry to break it to you Clinton's, but Obama is everything you guys were. America elected you because you were the candidate for change. Remember? What is starting to bug people is this attitude in the Clinton camp that the White House is rightfully yours. This is not a kingdom with a throne. It is suppose to be a free and open election by the people. Just put your message out there. If we like it, then you have the vote. But don't tell us some people are ready and some people are not ready for this. That just stinks of elitism. We have had 7 years of being ruled with fear, arrogance and religious faith. Even the Republicans are bending over backwards to tell us they are for change. Everyone knows we need it. So go ahead and cry. Be human Hillary. But don't ever start thinking that you deserve the White House just because you have already been there as the first wife or even that you have been a Senator. Thats just not how it's suppose to work.
After 9-11, you couldn't say a negative thing about Bush. Slowly, very slowly people started to see just how incompetent and foolish his leadership actually was. That gave way to the idea that anyone could do better. More and more people came to believe that about Bush. Thats why Obama is such a rock star right now. He has reminded America that we should never again accept such a low standard in leadership. Electing Obama is not about just anyone else doing a better job in the White House, it is about putting someone in there that has hope. That might sound childish, but after 7 years of faith based leadership.
Thats what change is suppose to be all about. Right?

Monday, January 07, 2008

Quick Sand Set

Some nights it's magic. It really really is. Then other nights, it's Sunday at the Sacramento Punchline in front of 20 people who don't seem all that clear on why they are there. Thats what last night was to me anyway.
The two acts before me both came off stage with a look on their faces like they wanted to jump off a bridge. It's not that the crowd was bad, they weren't heckling or talking among themselves, they just sat there silent and unmoving. Of course my ego thought, I will get up there and deliver some classic Klocek and everything will be alright.
Course, classic Klocek wasn't even there either. I felt like my brain was stuttering while I was on stage. I had felt weird all day. Let me tell you this, you want a free cheap magic carpet ride, forget to take your anti-depressant one day and see what happens. It felt something like not having that all important cup of coffee at the start of the day. I am a caffeine junkie. I admit it. You know your a junkie at anything when you no longer take the thing to make you feel better. You take it so the withdrawal doesn't kick you in the teeth and rob you of any will to live. If I don't have that morning cup of giant super tanker sized Starbucks, I get head aches and a profound feeling of impending doom slicing threw my head like a cold rusty knife.
So thats how I felt on stage.
Bad crowd, meet comic in withdrawal.
The crowd was like an old car; they just wouldn't turn over. No sustain with the laughter either. it's not the size of the crowd that matters. Insert joke here on size. For what ever reason though, this crowd just wasn't coming together.
Sometimes you stick to jokes. Sometimes you know they aren't biting on material so you shift to crowd work. Once you open that can of worms, there is no going back.
In front of me is a table of four teachers. we have some fun for a while and I think, this is going to be fine.
That when the crowd and I met Carlos and Felecia.
They were the only table directly up front. I don't remember what I said to get them talking, but once they did start talking I instantly regretted opening them up.
Here's what we learned in a very quick amount of time. This was the first time they had been together after a separation of a month.
She is a bartender. He works at some water processing plant.
They broke up because Carlos failed to mention something about a fiancee.
Thats what Felecia tells me only to be quickly corrected by Carlos who says, "X-fiance."
Felecia, turns to Carlos and says, "Then why did I have to go to Court then?"
The crowd and I both smelled blood in the water, so I continued to ask questions.
"What are you hoping to get out of this night Carlos?"
Lets pause here a moment, shall we.
Anal. Thats his public answer on the night of his reconciliation date.
Carlos is also a guy who speaks almost exclusively in well worn catch phrases. After anything he says, it is followed by either, true story or no lie or it is what it is.
"So here, in public you announce that you want to do her in the ass?"
"No lie."
Since the show failed to gain any momentum and my set is floundering for a direction, I decide to keep with this. Far more interesting to me than a guy who keeps announcing is desire to fuck his maybe girlfriend in the ass, is the table behind and to the left of them. There is a guy who held up his fist and went "Yeah!" when I mentioned Vegas.
Now, he keeps shaking his head. I look over at him and ask him how is it you can cheer all the perversion that Vegas is but your grossed out by the idea of anal sex?
He simply shakes his head and says, "Move on."
Here is where I always fight to keep my composure. Because what I want to say to this little prick is, fuck you.
Fuck you because what other entertainment can you say move on too?
Fuck you because maybe you looked around and noticed the empty chairs outnumbering us 3 to 1 tonight.
Fuck you because, your a guy and you never thought about giving a girl anal?
For a moment it becomes a little tense.
"You don't want to hear about ass sex?" I ask.
Now he goes into the classic young guy mode of thinking his manhood has been challenged. He crosses his arms and says, "Tell me about anal sex then?"
What the hell happened to this show?
I have a young couple train wreaking to my left, a guy in front of me who is now repeating catch phrases before Carlos does and now I have this little shit looking me in the eye saying, fuck you with his body language, but saying, "Tell me about anal sex" as some sort of threat. The thing that keeps me from unloading on the guy is his girlfriend. She is smiling brightly and enjoying herself. I almost think about pointing this out and saying, "Looks like someone is not getting enough attention in the rear section."
I'm glad I didn't.
The show becomes an on going joke about the fucked up couple and ass sex. You know, quality stuff. When I get the light it is almost like a blessing. Still, I am looking for that big closing laugh that just doesn't seem to be coming. My mind is feeling more and more like cement and my last thought before I leave the stage is, I still have to drive an hour and a half in the rain to get home.
A few minuets latter I am sitting in the office with the club manager getting paid. When I look down at the check I think, I got paid to struggle uncomfortably for 40 minuets. Paid well as a matter of fact too.
That puts a few things in perspective. Still, the money is a conciliation prize. There is nothing better than to get into your car and have that great show feeling.
Besides anal sex that is.
No lie.
When I walk out to my car, the table of four teachers is standing in front of it smoking and talking. They are very kind with polite compliments. Then, one of them says he remembers seeing me here last valentines day.
I hate to admit how fragile a comics ego can be, but when he says this with a smile on his face I say back to him, "See, you know I can do good shows too."
It just always amazes me where a crowd will draw a line and where the laughter will come from.
I actually got pretty good laughs when I talked about religion for awhile. It is always an odd phenomenon when the crowd disappears on you. They are there for one joke and then silent for the next two. They laugh at some anal jokes and religion jokes, but then go quiet again for no reason that I can figure out. You try every trick in the book but sometimes it just doesn't matter what you do.
It was the classic quick sand set.
The more I thought, this ain't working, the deeper I got into a riff that I couldn't follow; anal sex.
Once you go that dirty that fast in your set, there is no going back.
The other problem was, I was thinking. If you have to stop and think on stage, your dead. Simple as that. You can't think. You have to trust that your funny and have fun with whatever comes out of your mouth or theirs. Tonight, I am stuck in the mess that is my head.
It is shows like this that make the good ones all the more sweeter.