Friday, June 06, 2008


Balance. It's not something I have been able to achieve in my life, but the universe seems to impose it on me. Last night I auditioned for the Boston Comedy festival. A lot of us did. There is some unwritten rule in comedy that when a set really matters the crowd that shows up that night will stink. Well, that's what happened last night. In one of the strangest things I have observed in stand-up, the host was truly the only one who had a good set! I had some laughs, but stuff that always kills did OK and stuff that does OK just sat there like a turd in a bowl. The worse feeling in comedy is to be on stage and have a great punchline fail with 5 more minuets to go. What do you do? You stay up there and fight every instinct to stop and go, What's wrong with you people? That's what you do.
When I came off stage I picked up my phone and went out back to check for messages. There were a lot. I had forgotten that my episode of Last Comic Standing aired earlier in the evening. I still have not seen it yet, but apparently it went pretty good. They even aired most of my set. I know because when I returned home to check e-mail and myspace and facebook, I had a ton of messages waiting for me there too. But here is the message I find the funniest. It's from my Mom. Ah Mom. After 15 years in comedy she finally gave me the nicest compliment yet. "Joe, your Father and I watched you on TV tonight. well, he watched you I could only see part of it. You have a nice voice."
That is going to the top of my Bio! I have a nice voice. That only took 15 years and my second TV appearance to get. Oh yeah, in the same night Comedy Central replayed my Live at Gotham set too. That's good because, it looks like that is the only set I am going to be able to get onto TV.
So there is the balance. A shitty set for yet another chance at a festival that offers a chance at something more, and two good TV sets, compliments from strangers on the Internet and my Mom's first legitimate compliment in a long time. Now I just have to watch the copy of the show and wait for Hollywood to call!

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Hot for Teacher

Burma: It Can’t Wait – Tila Tequila – Day 30

WTF? Right? On the one hand, I understand that people need to be informed. Maybe this is the way to get young people to pay attention. But using a moron who probably didn't know this stuff till she had to memorize it and recite it with all the warmth of a frozen side of beef, seems to be in poor taste. What are we saying to kid's, it's OK to use misogyny when educating people about tragedy? I am worried that we will see Hilliary Clinton striping as she explains the economy. OK, with her, she might start out naked and as people get the answers correct, she would put on clothes. Cheap shot? Well its for a good cause.
What is this going to accomplish? A bunch of brain dead MTV watchers might stumble across CNN in their stoned channel surfing and get a hard-on at the mention of Burma now?
If we have to resort to hosts of really bad reality shows just to grab our attention on important social issues, maybe strippers should start warning other kid's in other countries about the falling educational standards in America. Why not just make Tia Tequila America's roaming substitute teacher? She can just show up at random schools with fun facts leaving a trail of clothes and knowledge behind. Instead of the boring book mobile, kids can get excited waiting for the knowledge whore to show up with her poll and facts!

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

New World Order?

"They're not being nice to the Dalai Lama, who is a friend of mine. And then all of this earthquake and all this happened and I thought, is that karma? When you're not nice, that bad things happen to you?"
-Sharon Stone to reporter's on the Red Carpet at the Cannes film festival.

Taking pleasure in the death and destruction of millions of people's homes is bad Karma. It's the same as Christians thinking Hurricane Katrina was sent to New Orleans as some instrument of punishment against Gay People.
But more importantly, Sharon Stone is friends with the Dalai Lama?
You have to wonder what bad Karma he pick up for having to hang out with Sharon Stone and listen to her thoughts on philosophy in that dim witted cheerleader accent no 50 year old woman should still have.
That's how the universe works? China is being mean to one dude so the universe decided to kill thousands and render millions homeless for the policies of their government? I don't think that's how it works. Course, I'm not a friend of the Dalia Lama. I could be wrong.

Obama is all but assured the democratic nomination and it seems as though Clinton is going to come aboard as the V.P. now. Damn! Dear John McCain, you just lost by a landslide. Who will be voting for him? Old White Guys who are afraid Obama/Clinton will appoint a Hispanic lesbian to the Supreme court? I say Ellen DeGeneres for Secretary of Defense, Oprah for UN ambassador and over at the department of justice Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan and Britney Spears. Allow me to explain America.
If we put Ellen in charge of the military, I think other countries would think twice about doing anything to us. All those Vibrator shaped missiles just waiting for launching! Also, if we loose a war, great. We can go to the UN and say, Good for you. You beat a lesbian. No one wants to be beat by a lesbian. That is called deterrence gentleman!
Oprha at the UN? Yes! She could get things done with her fame, charm and cash. Imagine how much better things would go for us if she could get up at general assemblies and say, "everyone who signs this treaty today will get a special present. Just look under your seat now!"
Alright, why would I hand the department of Justice over to three of Americas glossiest whores?
A few reasons. 1, you know they all need regular jobs. 2, it would be like having Charlies Angles in charge and 3, The Bush people got away with a lot of shit because no one pays attention to the boring old department of Justice. Well, we know cameras follow these three every where. Put them some place important, let the cameras run and no more secrets going on. Besides, for their own sakes, don't you think we should monitor them in a place where there are lawyers and handcuffs near by 24/7?

You really have to put this in perspective. If the Obama/Clinton ticket wins it demonstrates just how awful Bush was. 200 years and 43 White Male Presidents. That is a very impressive record. Well, Bush was so bad that a majority of America said, fuck that! The only thing I would worry about is Clinton. Dear Obama, never let her bring you coffee. The words, a heart beat away from the office of the President will ring in her head every night when she hits the pillow next to first Husband, Bill.

Best Bumper Sticker Ever!

Last night's game show, GET IT down at the Punchline played out as they usually do. I was nervous that there was a small crowd a quarter till show time, I was slightly depressed about the current state of my inner life and the show went off wonderfully with compliments from departing audience members. In fact, that's really where this story begins; at the end. Literally. As people left and I packed up the buzzers, I was prepared for a quiet rest of the night. Stepping outside, a few audience members sat smoking cigarettes and talking with other audience members. Thats when I heard these words from a young Asian girl desperately trying to light a cigarette in the wind.
"Will you sign my tits?"
I didn't think I heard it right but after I raised my eyebrows and asked if she just said what I thought she said, she changed her mind. "Yeah. Sign my tits and my ass."
Who am I to turn down a ladies request.
You know, you work so hard for recognition and admiration from the crowd and when it comes, it feels wonderful. Wonderful, and it turns out, a little dirty too.
"Of course I will sign your Tits and ass!"
She had very specific instructions though. She wanted my name on her tits and then the words, Me love you long time, on her ass with my name.
"Wait. How old are you?" I thought I should ask before I put my name on her.
Slightly incredulous, she answered. "23!"
So I ask you dear reader, what would you do? It's wasn't like she was alone either. There were three guys, another girl and me. It's not like we were in the back room of some bar or around the corner in the dark.
Luckily, I had a sharpie on me. I don't keep one on me for this, I had it from the name tags for contestants on the game show. Course, when I pulled it out of my pocket on a seconds notice, I think she did pause for a moment to reconsider her request.
Sure enough, she pulled her shirt down and I wrote not just my name, but my web site across her heart. Then came the other end. She seemed a lot less shy about this region of her body. She turned around, bent like a lady at the knee and down went the pants to reveal a splendid brown ass. I took my time. Penmanship is such a lost art. Again, I wrote my name, website and the phrase, I luv you long time! Then, as quickly as it begin, she pulled her pants up, turned around and the following words left her mouth as she gestured to the guy sitting next to her, "This is my boyfriend."
The lord giveth and the lord takith.
That was an awkward moment. He shook my hand, you know, the same hand that was just on his ladies ass. Everyone seemed pretty cool with it, but all I could think of is; enjoy the doggy style sex for the next week or so as my name looks back up at you!
Best bumper sticker I ever put on!
Somewhere, there is a young Asian man who now gets a hard-on every time he sees the words,
Really, what more can you ask for as a performer?

Sunday, June 01, 2008

I don't have a title for this one

I watched some of the Democratic National Committee try to sort out this mess with the Florida and Michigan primaries this weekend. Here is my big question about this whole thing; Where were all these people two years ago?
Speech after speech, all made by intelligent people who invoked the sanctify of the vote, went on and on. It was all bullshit! Bullshit, because everyone of the people in that room either voted for those states to be stripped of their primary votes for breaking the rules, or were representatives of people who were more interested in casting their vote for American idol then worry about something so distant as the 2008 election when they were told about it in their local papers.
It was a joke! No one in that room was surprised and until Clinton was loosing this election, she was quoted over and over that Florida and Michigan's primaries did not count.
Here is how it works America. Pay close attention please.
Break the rules and pay a price.
Former White House press Secretary, Scott McClellan published a new book; What Happened. You will notice that there is no question mark at the end of that. It is one more Book from a man in this Administration that confirms what the majority of Americans are starting to recognize as the truth; we were lied into a war. One by one anchors and reporters are coming forward to tell the same story. Brian Williams told a story this week about getting a phone call from the Pentagon after a report he filed from Kuwait. Katie Couric told a story about a similar phone call from the White House after a interview where she was told they did not like the tone of the piece. Story after story is starting to emerge where reporters are now saying that subtle and not so subtle pressure was put on them to keep the stories about the lead up to the war in Iraq positive.
So why are we hearing about this now? This is a major story! The government leaned on network's, executives and reporters to tell the story they wanted in the way they wanted and no one ever said anything to the American people until 7 years and almost 5,000 dead American troops later!
The fact is, the reporters kept their mouths shut because they didn't want to loose their jobs. Scott McClellan stayed quiet because he wanted the money while he was the official liar and he wanted more money to tell how much he lied after he left. Money and principles do not go together very comfortably. All of these stories are related to a conversation I had with a friend recently. He told me very proudly that he had reached a point in his life where he could separate his principles in order to make money. That's progress? As the above stories illustrate, separating yourself from your principles for money, power or fame seems to be a deal with the devil. Principles are not something you have. They are the actions you take. If you tell the world after a war has claimed millions of lives that you knew you were lying, you don't get treated like a hero. It just means you finally did the right thing.