Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Tiger Attack!

I was out of town and happily out of touch with everything when the tiger attack happened at the zoo on Christmas day. When I got back into town it was all anyone was talking about. Even my sister in Illinois called me to ask about it. What could I say?
"A tiger at your zoo jumped over a wall and killed some kid."
"I don't have a zoo?"

At first, all we heard from the police was, we are looking into stories that the tiger was taunted.
When I was talking to a friend about it he said, "Who doesn't taunt the animals when you go to the zoo?"
Ah, a lot of people actually just look at them.
Then he went on to tell me, "Monkeys will throw shit at you if you taunt them too much."
Alright. I suppose that might be true. In the grand scheme of things, I think I would prefer some monkey shit to a tiger bite. But years later a story about how a monkey threw shit on me is not gonna get me laid like a tiger attack story.
The tiger had to get across a moat and over a 12 foot wall where he mauled two men and killed a third one who went for help. Damn!
Maybe they didn't do anything to the Tiger. Maybe it just sat there year after year looking at kids making faces, throwing food and yelling crap. Maybe the tiger just had it and snapped. Who knows. It's a wild animal.
The zoo is in trouble because apparently the organization that sets standards for animal enclosures says the S.F. zoo's tiger wall was only 12 feet high. It is suppose to be 19 feet.
For those of you who think walls actually stop anything, think again. The U.S. wants to build a 700 mile long fence on our border with Mexico. Forget for a moment that our border with Mexico is more than 2,000 miles long and they could simply walk to where there is an opening. The estimated cost for this wall is a few billion dollars. Give or take. I don't know about you, but it seems a lot cheaper to me if we dig a moat and put tigers in it. Then it won't be a matter of illegal aliens sneaking into America. Then it will be the highest rated reality show of all time! And if they get across the tiger moat, their in! Thats exactly the tough independent daring that we want in this country. Anyone can sneak across the desert at night and climb a wall in the middle of no where. But a winner deals with tigers in a moat successfully to become a citizen.
Tell me you wouldn't watch that show. Of course you would!
There should be immigration attorneys and job placement specialists to greet our new members of society on the other side.
Tiger moat! Think about it people.
This makes anything you will ever see on American Gladiators pathetic.
In Florida, the Immigration authorities have adopted a policy for dealing with Cubans attempting to enter the country from the sea. The policy is called, wet foot dry foot. That means, if the Cost Guard or INS finds a Cuban still in the water, they get sent back. If they find them with just one foot firmly on the beach, they get in.
Hows that for the most high pressure hokey poky game ever!
You put your right foot in. You put your left foot out...
That might be how the entire tiger attack started.

1 comment:

Dean said...

America's Next Top Tiger Immigrant? I smell an Emmy!

And will the Cubans be able to go to the instant replay tape like they do for leaping touchdown catches?