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Thursday, June 24, 2010

Just My Latest Two Cents

Dear Fellow Americans,

Sweeping generalizations and overly dramatic statements pass for insight lately. So let me add to it by just saying that conservatives have lost their minds and liberals have become as effective as nipples on a man.

Somehow conservatives have managed to convince a lot of people that Obama will take America down the same path Hitler took Nazi Germany. That is just hilarious when you consider Bush invaded a country with faked proof, suspended basic freedoms and told the same lie over and over enough that to this day a surprising number of America’s still think Saddam Hussein had something to do with 9/11.

All Obama has really managed to do is let down a huge proportion of his base. I know, don’t do the work of the right wing by criticizing him, Joe. He is just setting the stage for his second term. That’s what they tell me. Setting the stage for his second term? You can’t use the same explanation rabid Star Wars fans gave for why The Phantom Menace was so boring in the new trilogy.

The conservatives have managed to pull this transformation off before. They have managed to make themselves believe that Jesus is on their side. Do you really think Jesus would of apologized to a corporation after it poisoned the ocean? Better yet, do you think the guy who went around healing the sick would be against some kind of affordable health care for everyone? If Jesus had to vote I think he would declare himself a green or a socialist based on the stories I was forced to read about him as a kid. If I remember correctly Jesus only lost his temper once and that was over money being exchanged in the temple. Considering religion has become a billion dollar a year industry in this country I’m not sure how cool he would be with the corporations masquerading as churches. Do you? You really think he would have been OK with bank bailouts to billionaires while people lost their homes? Yet, the political party of health care isn’t a right, corporations should have less regulations to do what they want and the richest 2% of Americans shouldn’t have to pay taxes claim Jesus as one of their own.

Is it really that big of a stretch for them to turn Obama into Hitler?

When hurricane Katrina struck New Orleans, more than a few religious conservative leaders claimed it was a punishment from God for numerous reasons. Why aren’t they claiming the same thing now with the BP oil disaster in the Gulf of Mexico? I am half kidding. Maybe it is national Karma. We did Invade Iraq for oil and now we have it washing up on our shores. And please, don’t tell me Iraq wasn’t about oil. When the country was being looted and their museums, hospitals and even weapons depots were being broken into the one thing American troops were ordered to guard was oil wells. Maybe God or the universe or whatever sense of justice is built into the fabric of things just went you want oil I’ll send you some!

When weather destroys a section of the country it some kind of divine punishment from God but when a company’s negligence creates the biggest environmental disaster in America’s history it is called an act of God?

Its not like we really have anyway of stopping the gusher either. Five CEO’s of Oil Company’s stood in front of Congress and under oath admitted there is no technology available to handle this. That didn’t stop them from putting down in writing that they did.

Anytime your solutions to a disaster sound like prison sex terms, junk shot and top kill, you shouldn’t be allowed to drill a mile bellow the ocean and another mile into the crust of the earth. I’m just saying.

Meanwhile, Obama fired the general in charge of Afghanistan and replaced him with the General who was in charge of Iraq. Great. He replaced the leader of one failed war that has lasted longer than WW1 and WW2 combined with the leader of another failed war of choice that has cost us 20 times what it took to go to the Moon. So what? The story isn’t that he fired a guy who talked shit to a Rolling Stone reporter the real story is why are we still there nine years later?

Afghanistan is irony. It is the world’s biggest producer of heroin and terrorism. Doesn’t seem like those things would go together. You would figure the heroin would mellow them out. It might but the other potent drug they have there is religion. Its like the Puritans landed in Seattle during the mid 90’s.

To win the hearts and minds of the people living in Afghanistan so they don’t feel the need to become terrorists and blow our shit up? Thats why we are there? It has to be hard to win the hearts and minds of the same people who the CIA trained to fight the Soviets. You remember that plan don’t you, America? Conservative patron saint Ronald Regan paid the most rabid religious extremists they could find to draw the soviets into a Vietnam style war. It worked. When the soviets left we did too leaving a wonderfully armed group of religious nuts to figure it out for themselves. You know what they figured out? America used us. All conspiracy’s aside it is a fact when people say the terrorists who flew planes into the world trade towers were CIA trained. Osama and Saddam were American products as much as Coke and Ford are American products.

The plan to win their hearts and minds this time around isn’t to give them guns. This time we are building schools for girls. This only helps the Taliban and Halliburton. It helps the Taliban because instead of them having to roam the countryside hunting down the targets of their misplaced hatred we have done the easy part of getting all the girls together in one place for them. Then, they blow it up. This is good for Halliburton because they have the contracts to rebuild the schools.

The entire gross domestic product of Afghanistan is about 3 billion a year. We spend that in a month over there! At this point it would be more cost effective to just hand the money out to the people there. Seriously, people might hate America but most of those same people want to be American. Do you really think anyone is going to want to blow themselves up after they are pacified with TiVo, Facebook, iPhones, cheeseburgers and Prozac? How willing are you to even step away from Farmville to buy organic vegetables for your health? It works! You can’t put on a bomb belt to blow yourself up when obesity has made it to small to put around your waist. I’m just saying flying over Afghanistan and dropping a billion dollars worth of Best Buy gift cards might be an easier solution to Americanize the population and end that war. Instead of blowing up wedding parties with drones we should be registering them and buying gifts like Xboxes so they can “play” war instead of wage it.

3 comments:

Dean said...

Nice blog makeover. You are now my Obi-Wan Cynic, but in a good way...

Previously Secret Information said...

Thanks Dean. Me, cynical?

Flight Deck said...

Brilliant.