Tuesday, January 04, 2011

"The End 2.0"

Have you heard that the world will start to end on May 21? Yup. Some Christian with radio stations is letting people know that, after studying the Bible for most of his life, he’s found the exact date that Jesus will return, and the end will start. Awesome. Maybe now I’ll stop getting ads for those Christian dating sites. After all, if the end is only five months away, why get married?

Here’s the thing: he already said the end was coming, back in the 90's. And was wrong. Surprise, the world is still here. Can you imagine being in that room at the end of that day?

"Does that mean I have to pay for all the stuff I put on my credit cards, now?"

In a testament to how badly people need something to reach for in these difficult times, his radio empire of Christian messages has grown. That’s right, he set a date for the end of the world; was wrong; and now has five times the followers he had, since being wrong and looking stupid!

His excuse: “I must of gotten the math wrong.”

If you haven't read anything but the Bible for fifty years, you might want to pick up a book on math, I guess. Either that, or you're just wrong. What’s truly amazing are the people he’s inspired to drive around in motor homes, warning other people that the end is coming. I bet that’s a real joyride!

Instead of driving around helping people (like Jesus might have done) they’re letting people know the end is coming. Sort of the spiritual equivalent of throwing all your pants away, then just walking around in sweats. Why bother? Jesus is coming back. Screw the diet!

Two things come to mind right away when I hear this.

First, Jesus isn't coming. I’ll grant you, there most likely was a man born in the Middle East, who preached a message of love rather than a vengeful God’s wrath; and, he was likely put to death for rousing the local population. But that’s it. If you want me to believe Jesus was the actual son of God, then I still don't think he’s coming back. And here’s why: I'm still mad at my Dad for making me shovel the neighbors’ driveways during winter. Do you really think Jesus is over his issues with his Dad, after being sent to die on a cross? There must be some really awkward holiday dinner moments, in Heaven.

It’s funny to me that Christians put such a huge emphasis on the family, when Jesus comes from not just a broken home, but an abusive, messed-up, white-trash-sounding home. Where’s Mom in all of this? What kind of a control-freak Dad tells his only son that he has a special job for him - like being put to death for ALL the sins of mankind. All the sins? When I was growing up, we were told in Catholic school that even thinking about committing a sin, was a sin. You're telling me that three days was enough to cover the summer when I found those Playboy magazines in my friend’s backyard? I'm pretty sure those thoughts were blueprints for sins.

Anyway, the second reason the world isn't ending is that everyone who ever predicted the end of the world, has always been wrong. Always. We are, after all, still here. The latest craze was the Mayan calendar prediction. The Mayan prediction didn't even say it was an end, it just said, “Hey, this is when you start the calendar over.” But since we seem obsessed with the world coming to an end, people spread the message that the world is ending. It seems a little silly to give the Mayans that much power to predict the end of the entire world, when they couldn't see the end of their own culture coming.

Don't fall for yet another end-of-the-world story. I’m still going through bottled water and canned food from my Y2K emergency kit.

Of course, if the world DID come to end, like Hollywood and hippies have imagined, that would be totally cool, too! Giant earthquakes, tidal waves and UFO's: Awesome!

You could talk to people from all over time, in heaven. A caveman and a Roman soldier could tell you about their deaths, "I fell off the back of a woolly mammoth onto my spear." "I got drunk and picked a fight with someone." Then they ask you, “How did you die?"

"Oh me? Just The End."

You would be totally popular.

If this guy turns out to be wrong, I want a public apology, not another ”I guess I'm bad with math” bullshit excuse. They’re a Christian group, that’s spent a lot of money on billboards, to tell people “give up”, when they could be, oh I don't know, feeding the poor. I would say, “Take away their tax-exempt status!” But they aren't a church. They are a Christian broadcasting network, run for profit. Religion run for profit is not religion. It’s a business. And business is good, because too many of these people made these times bad, by running the government into the ground with Y1K thinking.

I’d like to see their contracts. I’m curious if they expire on May 21st.

If Jesus does show up to greet this loon’s followers, I hope it’s just to slap his face in front of them, remove the Bible from his hand, and replace it with something harmless like Dr. Seuss. Then, Jesus could turn to this guy’s audience and say "Really? You listen to people like this? I hope you kept your credit card payments current this time. P.S. - my Dad is a dick!"


Dean said...

Once posted this Status Update: "Did God go to Jesus's Back To School Nights?" and my buddy sent me an email explaining how the Trinity are different manifestations of God.

So by sending His only son, He really sent Himself, so the Crucifixion is an ancient version of suicide by cop? (suicide by Centurion?)

Hooray first Zen posting of 2011!

joe klocek said...

You know, I never thought about it like that but you're right, one could make the argument that God committed suicide. all the signs were there. He was acting out in violent strange ways for at least 2,000 years before.