Information & Bulletins

The other day I read a bulletin on Myspace. It was one of those bulletins that implores you to forward it to everyone you know. The subject matter? Barrack Obama.
It was a collection of half truths and lies specifically designed to place doubt in peoples heads about Barracks personal history. FOX news is fond of saying Barrack is a Muslim. Fact is, he's not. It also went on to say Obama refused to put his hand over his heart at a campaign stop when people sang God Bless America.
Wow! That's your proof? I'm sold.
A photo shown without any context can have any caption attached to it. Hell, we can photoshop most anything now.
The part that cracked me up the most was where the information supposedly came from.
Snopes.com
Ever been? It's not a bad site actually. They track down the source of Urban Legends and assign a truth value to news stories. Some facts are completely false and get a red dot next to them. some facts are indeed the truth. They get a green dot next to them. Others are a bit more complicated, but you get the idea. The bulletin tells you that everything in it was easily found at Snopes.com. Problem is, if you actually bother to hit the site, you see that everything the bulletin presents as fact has mostly been given a red dot. In other words, it's false.

We no longer have one central location where the truth is kept. You can find a source of information depending on your political point of view. You believe global warming is an important issue, you watch CNN. You believe there is a war on Christmas, you watch FOX. Problem is, we can't even agree on what facts are anymore. There is even a conservative version of wikipedia. No more is there a single source you can point to and say, Here. Your ideology determines where you get your information from. I think this is a little dangerous. How many times have you been in a heated discussion with someone about politics and when you state a well proven fact they just look at you and ask, "Where did you hear that from?"
As soon as you say where you heard, saw or read it, they spit the name back at you and say, "Figures."
We can't even talk about the issues anymore because everyone has their own set of facts from their own trusted sources. It's dangerous. Getting information from a source that tells you want you want to hear leaves more ignorant than before.

In the bulletin, it went on to say that the Muslims want to destroy the country from the inside out. They don't call Obama a radical Muslim outright, they just place a wild accusation next to his name and weak minded lazy people who don't bother to check sources think the information is true. Besides, if the radical Muslims truly wanted to destroy America, they would find a way to keep Bush President forever. Think about it, he has done more to benefit the cause of radical Muslims than Osama has. After all, we know where Osama is hiding. We just don't bother going after him for some reason. Bush and Saddam had a few things in common too. They both hated radical Muslims and did everything they could to keep them out of their countries. It was only after our invasion of Iraq that Al Quedia got inside the country.
Now that might sound like my take on things, but it is a fact.

Myspace is great if your a 13 year old girl who wants to find just the right sparkle font to spell your name in. It's a lousy source of information. Course, the entire Internet is a lousy source of information. Thats the problem with the information super highway, it's just content. Information is not facts. Information is not truth. Information is just content. Unfortunately, there is no pop up warning telling you what your about to read is fabricated. It just has capitol letters yelling at you to forward it to everyone you know.

Thinking out loud.

How is it that the candidates actually talking about the issues are the "fringe" candidates? What is it about Dennis Kucinich or Ron Paul that makes them "unelectable?"
Hilary cried!
News for three days everywhere.
Pollsters got it wrong in New Hampshire Primary.
Still news!
How about this.
Republican members of the 9/11 commission say they feel lied to. Those C.I.A. interrogations tapes you hear about every now and again, well the 9/11 commission now says that they should have been given those tapes. After all, they did subpoena the U.S. Government for all and all related information on anything and everything related to the the attack on 9/11.
Something like is what we use to call news.
Do you think Britney is Bi-polar? Dose Hannah Montana use a body double during concerts?
This is the stuff thats news now.

I am voting for Obama, but even I have noticed his language becoming more purposely vague. It's politics. It's human nature. It's fucking high school is what it is.
Hey, any of you. How are we getting out of Iraq?
Do you realize a national energy policy is the same thing as our defense policy these days?
If John F. Kennedy made getting to the Moon a national priority that was accomplished in 8 years, why can't we do the same thing with pollution free energy production?
Maybe we should embed a few reporters with the peace movement too. Just a thought. If journalists are willing to ride in tanks through the streets of down town Baghdad, why wouldn't they want to get high and fuck up traffic in San Francisco every once in a while?
Every week one Billion dollars is put on credit to pay for the Iraq occupation. Imagine what we could do with that. One Billion dollars a week!

Life goes on. Not only do we face the prospect of continued war at the cost of life and national treasure, but now we have to deal with T.V. shows not airing because of the writers strike. Put that up against the headlines of any other nation.

Ethnic cleansing with machetes in Africa.
Girl, 18 to be stoned for being raped.
Writers strike. No new episodes of desperate housewives.

You want to see America go nuts? Lets see what happens in the next few months. Dan Rather once said that the only thing that makes Americans truly upset is when traffic gets messed up. That and having our national narcotic suddenly relegated to reruns and B list reality T.V. shows. Jesus! We might have to talk to each other or something.
Can you imagine what we might talk about? Maybe the issues that only the crazy people are talking about?
How do we get out of Iraq? What really did happen on 9/11? Is the economy headed down?
You know, issues. I would like to hear all the people running for for our vote to speak intelligently about these issues. I would like it, but I know it ain't going to happen either. It will be more talking heads on the news dissecting minor events for days at a time while no one gives us answers.
I don't know who the next President will be, but I feel sorry for them.

Meanwhile...

I have been wanting to get outside more after spending time at my friends cabin. I want to go hiking, camping and even canoe a river or two. I have been wanting to do these things and I kept seeing commercials about it, so I finally went ahead and did what all those people in the commercials did; I got herpes!
I can't wait to get back to the great outdoors!

Here is how I think I sold my Dad on the idea of electing Barrack Obama for President. The White House is entirely paid for and maintained by public money. Dad, put another black man into public housing.

Did you see the footage of the Iranian speed boats moving around our ships? I understand that it is a potentially dangerous situation. The U.S.S. Cole lost 18 sailors and had a hole blown into the side of it when a small boat pulled along side it at a port in Yemen. But when you look at this video you see our war ships bristling with weapons and all kinds of detectors. The Iranian boats look like supped up versions of the paddle boats they use in the It's a Small world After All ride at Disney World. This is the major threat to world peace? I don't see it.

Marion Jones has been sentenced to prison for lying to prosecutors about her steroid use. Damn! OK, lets talk about steroid use in sports. After all, it seems to get more attention than anything else. So what. Thats my take on the whole damn thing. So what. Barry Bonds is taking shit and you have to be an idiot not to know that. again, so what. The U.S. Air force routinely gives it's pilots speed for missions. Thats not an urban legend or some Internet myth. The U.S. Air Force does indeed give pilots amphetamines. It helps them to stay alert on long bombing missions. In other words, it is a drug given specifically to enhance their performance. If U.S. fighter pilots are allowed to use drugs to enhance their performance, I don't see why an athlete can't risk their own health by taking steroids so they can hit a ball farther.
I have mentioned the Air Force drug thing before. At first people just refuse to believe it. No way! Thats what they tell me. I suggest they do some of their own research with sources they will believe. They always come back with an open mouth. I don't believe it but it's true.
You shouldn't be surprised. The history of drugs in modern warfare can be traced back to the Nazis. They invented amphetamines. It's a big part of the reason why the Nazi invasions of other countries was referred to as a blitz. people just didn't understand how whole armies could move so fast for so long. Turns out, the Nazi military utilized the drug to great effect.
Back then, they were using meth and calling themselves the master race. Now days, you use meth and your white trash. It took 50 years, but there is your profile in drug abuse; start out as the master race taking over the world and end up in a trailer outside of Modesto with 12 cats and a "lab."
Fact is, the U.S. Military is using a drug invented by the Nazis to make combat more efficient.
Nice.

Ghosts of Vietnam

Read this story!
When your reading it, keep asking yourself what we will find out about the Iraq war 40 years from now. I'll tell you this much, the people who keep trying to sell me on the whole 9-11 inside job conspiracy theories, sound less crazy to me.
The worse thing one nation can do to another is wage war on them. The biggest sacrifice a nation can ask of it's citizens is to fight in a war. What if it turns out that war never needed to be fought?

Remember, we know for a fact that the Iraq war was started with "faked" intelligence. What will we find out when Bush is gone?

WASHINGTON (AFP) - North Vietnamese made hoax calls to get the US military to bomb its own units during the Vietnam War, according to declassified information that also confirmed US officials faked an incident to escalate the war.
The report was released by the National Security Agency, responsible for much of the United States' codebreaking and eavesdropping work, in response to a "mandatory declassification" request, the Federation of American Scientists (FAS) said Monday.
From the first intercepted cable -- a 1945 message from Vietnamese leader Ho Chi Minh to his Russian counterpart Joseph Stalin -- to the final evacuation of US spies from Saigon, the 500-page report retold Vietnam War history from the perspective of "signals intelligence," the group said in a statement.
During the war, North Vietnamese intelligence units sometimes succeeded in penetrating US communications systems, and they could monitor American message traffic from within, according to the report "Spartans in Darkness."
On several occasions "the communists were able, by communicating on Allied radio nets, to call in Allied artillery or air strikes on American units," it said.
"That's something I have never heard before," Steven Aftergood, director of the FAS project on government secrecy, told AFP.
But he said that probably the "most historically significant feature" of the declassified report was the retelling of the 1964 Gulf of Tonkin incident.
That was a reported North Vietnamese attack on American destroyers that helped lead to president Lyndon Johnson's sharp escalation of American forces in Vietnam.
The author of the report "demonstrates that not only is it not true, as (then US) secretary of defense Robert McNamara told Congress, that the evidence of an attack was 'unimpeachable,' but that to the contrary, a review of the classified signals intelligence proves that 'no attack happened that night,'" FAS said in a statement.
"What this study demonstrated is that the available intelligence shows that there was no attack. It's a dramatic reversal of the historical record," Aftergood said.
"There were previous indications of this but this is the first time we have seen the complete study," he said.

Tears of a former first lady

So what if Hillary got emotional talking about what this election means to her. I don't know about you, but I want my leader to be human. I want to hope that any leader of this country would shed a few tears from time to time. I seriously doubt anyone is crying in the White House now. The only thing about Hilary getting emotional was that it seemed more about her thinking she is next in line to be President and less to do with what she thinks this country needs.
Just my two cents.
What makes me angry is Bill Clinton's comments about Obama at a rally last night. He raged at the media for not being tougher on Obama and called Obamas run at the White House a Fairy Tale.
Wasn't Clinton the guy who ran for President on a platform of kicking the bums out? They had an official song too. It was Fleetwood Mac's, Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow.
Sorry to break it to you Clinton's, but Obama is everything you guys were. America elected you because you were the candidate for change. Remember? What is starting to bug people is this attitude in the Clinton camp that the White House is rightfully yours. This is not a kingdom with a throne. It is suppose to be a free and open election by the people. Just put your message out there. If we like it, then you have the vote. But don't tell us some people are ready and some people are not ready for this. That just stinks of elitism. We have had 7 years of being ruled with fear, arrogance and religious faith. Even the Republicans are bending over backwards to tell us they are for change. Everyone knows we need it. So go ahead and cry. Be human Hillary. But don't ever start thinking that you deserve the White House just because you have already been there as the first wife or even that you have been a Senator. Thats just not how it's suppose to work.

After 9-11, you couldn't say a negative thing about Bush. Slowly, very slowly people started to see just how incompetent and foolish his leadership actually was. That gave way to the idea that anyone could do better. More and more people came to believe that about Bush. Thats why Obama is such a rock star right now. He has reminded America that we should never again accept such a low standard in leadership. Electing Obama is not about just anyone else doing a better job in the White House, it is about putting someone in there that has hope. That might sound childish, but after 7 years of faith based leadership.

Thats what change is suppose to be all about. Right?

Quick Sand Set

Comedy.
Some nights it's magic. It really really is. Then other nights, it's Sunday at the Sacramento Punchline in front of 20 people who don't seem all that clear on why they are there. Thats what last night was to me anyway.
The two acts before me both came off stage with a look on their faces like they wanted to jump off a bridge. It's not that the crowd was bad, they weren't heckling or talking among themselves, they just sat there silent and unmoving. Of course my ego thought, I will get up there and deliver some classic Klocek and everything will be alright.
Nope.
Course, classic Klocek wasn't even there either. I felt like my brain was stuttering while I was on stage. I had felt weird all day. Let me tell you this, you want a free cheap magic carpet ride, forget to take your anti-depressant one day and see what happens. It felt something like not having that all important cup of coffee at the start of the day. I am a caffeine junkie. I admit it. You know your a junkie at anything when you no longer take the thing to make you feel better. You take it so the withdrawal doesn't kick you in the teeth and rob you of any will to live. If I don't have that morning cup of giant super tanker sized Starbucks, I get head aches and a profound feeling of impending doom slicing threw my head like a cold rusty knife.
So thats how I felt on stage.
Bad crowd, meet comic in withdrawal.
The crowd was like an old car; they just wouldn't turn over. No sustain with the laughter either. it's not the size of the crowd that matters. Insert joke here on size. For what ever reason though, this crowd just wasn't coming together.
Sometimes you stick to jokes. Sometimes you know they aren't biting on material so you shift to crowd work. Once you open that can of worms, there is no going back.
In front of me is a table of four teachers. we have some fun for a while and I think, this is going to be fine.
That when the crowd and I met Carlos and Felecia.
They were the only table directly up front. I don't remember what I said to get them talking, but once they did start talking I instantly regretted opening them up.
Here's what we learned in a very quick amount of time. This was the first time they had been together after a separation of a month.
She is a bartender. He works at some water processing plant.
They broke up because Carlos failed to mention something about a fiancee.
Thats what Felecia tells me only to be quickly corrected by Carlos who says, "X-fiance."
Felecia, turns to Carlos and says, "Then why did I have to go to Court then?"
The crowd and I both smelled blood in the water, so I continued to ask questions.
"What are you hoping to get out of this night Carlos?"
"Anal."
Lets pause here a moment, shall we.
Anal. Thats his public answer on the night of his reconciliation date.
Carlos is also a guy who speaks almost exclusively in well worn catch phrases. After anything he says, it is followed by either, true story or no lie or it is what it is.
"So here, in public you announce that you want to do her in the ass?"
"No lie."
Since the show failed to gain any momentum and my set is floundering for a direction, I decide to keep with this. Far more interesting to me than a guy who keeps announcing is desire to fuck his maybe girlfriend in the ass, is the table behind and to the left of them. There is a guy who held up his fist and went "Yeah!" when I mentioned Vegas.
Now, he keeps shaking his head. I look over at him and ask him how is it you can cheer all the perversion that Vegas is but your grossed out by the idea of anal sex?
He simply shakes his head and says, "Move on."
Here is where I always fight to keep my composure. Because what I want to say to this little prick is, fuck you.
Fuck you because what other entertainment can you say move on too?
Fuck you because maybe you looked around and noticed the empty chairs outnumbering us 3 to 1 tonight.
Fuck you because, your a guy and you never thought about giving a girl anal?
For a moment it becomes a little tense.
"You don't want to hear about ass sex?" I ask.
Now he goes into the classic young guy mode of thinking his manhood has been challenged. He crosses his arms and says, "Tell me about anal sex then?"
What the hell happened to this show?
I have a young couple train wreaking to my left, a guy in front of me who is now repeating catch phrases before Carlos does and now I have this little shit looking me in the eye saying, fuck you with his body language, but saying, "Tell me about anal sex" as some sort of threat. The thing that keeps me from unloading on the guy is his girlfriend. She is smiling brightly and enjoying herself. I almost think about pointing this out and saying, "Looks like someone is not getting enough attention in the rear section."
I'm glad I didn't.
The show becomes an on going joke about the fucked up couple and ass sex. You know, quality stuff. When I get the light it is almost like a blessing. Still, I am looking for that big closing laugh that just doesn't seem to be coming. My mind is feeling more and more like cement and my last thought before I leave the stage is, I still have to drive an hour and a half in the rain to get home.
Comedy.
A few minuets latter I am sitting in the office with the club manager getting paid. When I look down at the check I think, I got paid to struggle uncomfortably for 40 minuets. Paid well as a matter of fact too.
That puts a few things in perspective. Still, the money is a conciliation prize. There is nothing better than to get into your car and have that great show feeling.
Besides anal sex that is.
No lie.
When I walk out to my car, the table of four teachers is standing in front of it smoking and talking. They are very kind with polite compliments. Then, one of them says he remembers seeing me here last valentines day.
I hate to admit how fragile a comics ego can be, but when he says this with a smile on his face I say back to him, "See, you know I can do good shows too."
Comedy.
It just always amazes me where a crowd will draw a line and where the laughter will come from.
I actually got pretty good laughs when I talked about religion for awhile. It is always an odd phenomenon when the crowd disappears on you. They are there for one joke and then silent for the next two. They laugh at some anal jokes and religion jokes, but then go quiet again for no reason that I can figure out. You try every trick in the book but sometimes it just doesn't matter what you do.
It was the classic quick sand set.
The more I thought, this ain't working, the deeper I got into a riff that I couldn't follow; anal sex.
Once you go that dirty that fast in your set, there is no going back.
The other problem was, I was thinking. If you have to stop and think on stage, your dead. Simple as that. You can't think. You have to trust that your funny and have fun with whatever comes out of your mouth or theirs. Tonight, I am stuck in the mess that is my head.
Comedy.
It is shows like this that make the good ones all the more sweeter.

Obama and what 08 really means for us

I just want to say that I am so happy Obama won in the first serious primary of the year. I am also pleased that Hillary came in third behind John Edwards. I hope this trend continues. I hope the country continues to endorse a candidate who seems to represent change and turns away from the expected front runner that Hillary is. She is Republican lite. She has had private lunches with Rupert Murdoch, owner of FOX. She voted in favor of the new Bankruptcy laws that make it more difficult for anyone to climb out from under crushing debt. Remember, the reason why most Americans go into bankruptcy is over unexpected medical bills that insurance would not cover. As someone who attempted to create national health care when her husband was president, she knows all this and still voted for the tougher laws. Why? She is just as much a part of the corporate structure as any other politician. Lets not forget that she also voted in favor of giving Bush unlimited authority to do with Iraq has he wanted to. And before you say, hey it was just after 9/11 and everyone voted for that, just remember that Obama voted against that little piece of history.
What is troubling though, is that the republican winner in Iowa is former Baptist Minister and Governor of Arkansas, Mike Huckabee. Come on America, it's time to get smart again and stop voting for people who wear their religious beliefs on their sleeve's. The dude said in a national debate that he thinks the Bible is a literal description of how the earth was made. In a world where competition for resources and the education of future scientist's will decide the fate of nations both economically and intellectually, can we really afford to have another leader that wants to turn back education to what was commonly thought to be true during the dark ages?
I don't think we can. I think Bush & Company did a lot of damage to the soul of this nation. I fail to understand how you can call yourself pro-life when you started a war. A war of choice for Bullshit reasons and told the country that a "higher father" gave you permission to do it too. Did that Higher father also give the go ahead for torture? Did that higher father also tell you it was OK to shred the Constitution? Did that higher father explain to you that Muslims and Christians have the same God?

Surprised?

Jews, Christians and Muslims all believe in the same God kids. It is only the interpretation that we disagree on. Since God doesn't seem interested in talking to us all together at the same time to clear up any misunderstandings, it is left to us to fight it out in his name to see who is right.

Yeah, that sounds like a God that really cares. "You kid's figure it out. I'm busy."

When you lose your job in 20 years because China graduates 3 times as many scientists as we do, and one of them figures out the next great technological leap forward that leaves us in the dust because we were arguing among ourselves if intelligent design should be taught in science class, will you pray to your silent God for another job?

Someday, all of humanity will regard religion the way most of us think about Astrology now.

I hope.

Obama says he has a religious faith too. But he doesn't make it the sole reason to vote for him. Thats all Huckabee has. His record as Governor is not so good. Raised taxes and all that. But if America wants to elect a leader based on religious belief, then you can't be surprised when you watch your children work harder than you did for less. Thats the direction we are headed in. I fail to see how a man believing in myths is going to change that. We need compassion and understanding, true. But you don't need to have religion to have those qualities. We also need intelligence back at the highest levels of Government. Not ancient superstitions and a belief in a God who is supposedly powerful enough to create everything we see but cannot make everyone believe in him. Sorry, but thats a pretty piss pour God in my book. You made the entire universe in 6 days but a massive majority of the people on this planet don't think your real?

Why is that?

Free will.

Great answer. I have always laughed when people use that as a reason. Saying there is evil in the world because of free will is making the people who don't agree with you evil. How convenient then that the people we will fight are evil.

It's what referred to as, circular logic. You don't agree in my version of what I think is the absolute truth, so not only are you evil, you can now be punished for your lack of proper belief. Thats what "their" side does and thats what "our" side does.
My question then is, who created free will?
Blame God then. But you cannot be angry at someone for exercising their God Granted free will when they say there is no God.

Alright, I got a little off track. Seriously America, it is time to grow up and grow out of the need to be right and the need for a God. Has it helped us? Since having Bush, a self proclaimed born again Christian in the White Office, he has done the exact opposite of what he claims his beliefs are.

Social assistance programs have been cut across the board.

Help with heating bills for the elderly; cut.

Veterans administration rehabilitation programs in a time of war; cut.

Health care for underprivileged and financially struggling families; vetoed twice.

If Jesus is your personal lord and saviour, then I gotta tell you I don't think he would be too happy with you for cutting back on helping people while you throw his name around as a campaign slogan for continuing a failed war of choice that seems to have no other purpose than to drive the price of oil up.

Get smart America!

Most Europeans profess to either be atheists or agnostics.

They don't go into debt over health care bills either.

They don't feel the need to maintain military basses all over the world at a massive expense.

They also lack the rate of crime we have. They have much higher rates of literacy, lower rates of infant mortality and test twice as high as Americans do in history, math, science and number of languages spoken.

Under Bush, more Americans fell bellow the poverty line at a rate far above any other President this century. Home forecloses are at a rate last seen during the Great depression. Meanwhile, this self proclaimed believer in Jesus sticks to the mantra of the powerful by saying Government should not be responsible for helping people. They want to privatize all such assistance. All you have to do is look at New Orleans to see how well that works.

The dollar, once the international standard in all monetary transactions, has never been weaker. India just announced that because of the falling power of the dollar, it will no longer accept it at tourist attractions.

Saudi Arabia freak out economist when they said they might want to inventory their oil in euros rather than dollars. The euro is valued at almost twice what the dollar is. You understand how changing to a different currency makes them money? If it takes two dollars to make one euro, than just writing their inventory in euros will double the amount made when they sell that barrel of oil. In fact, even Canada has a higher rate of exchange right now. So even if you want to look at Bush as a strict economic conservative, he is a utter failure. I didn't even mention the fact that the entire Iraq invasion has been put on the national credit card. You understand that right? We borrowed money from China to fund this mess and because of that China now has more of a say over our economy than we do. Shit, all you have to do is look at the items on any Walmarts shelves to see who is making products. Fact is, this cannot continue. We cannot keep living in a country that makes nothing but shitty movies and jeans and expect the middle class to be happy with college degrees as they wait on tables.

Anyway you want to look at the last 8 years is up to you. But I am fairly confident that history will look very clearly at these last 8 years and see it for what it was; a take over by men with agendas for more powerful men with agendas to attain power and profit at the expense of the people. I have no illusions that Obama will turn everything around, but it sure beats the hell out of more insanity.

You want to believe in Heaven, Hell and Jesus as your personal Lord and saviour, go for it. But shut up and let the adults get busy fixing everything that kind of thinking has broken. If your right, then I am going to hell. If I'm right, we all go somewhere when this life is over. I don't know about you, but compassion for everyone sounds like something Jesus might of said. Besides, the only time he got mad was in church.
Who do you think he will be more pissed at if he ever comes back?
Me, saying I don't believe in him but I believe in the humanity of doing good, or you, condemning all non believers to eternity in a lake of fire because we didn't show up each week to put money in the basket.
Well, I guess we will never know.
Obama 08!

08

Happy New Year.
Sometimes, for no reason that I can put into words, I will go on line to check the weather in the Montana town the X now lives in. The worse the weather is the more I smile. What is that? Pettiness? Perhaps.
New Years has such a built in mind fuck to it. We change the calendar and suddenly we all think about where we were last year and what we want to do this New year. So thats what I did. I thought about being with her last year and thinking how good it felt that things had been settled and we were moving forward with our plans to have a life together.
None of that happened.
I spent last year mourning the loss of that life. I say mourning but in reality I was sleep walking last year. Good things happened too. I got to go to Japan and tell jokes to our troops. I got to go to New York and film a short set for Comedy Central. But in each of those instances, I felt so alone.
That sucked.
Even alone a man should be able to enjoy his accomplishments.
2008 will be an interesting year to be alive in for all of us. The nation will elect a new president after 8 years of this born again nut job using white out on the Constitution while he continues a plan in Iraq that so far has only benefited his oil company pals.
I will turn 40 years old too. Not a big deal to the rest of the world, but it's a pretty big deal to me.
Why?
To tell you the truth I'm not sure. But I know this. I know 40 is a number you can't do anything with to make it seem smaller. There are no mind tricks you can play on yourself either. 40 might be the new 30, but it sure as hell is not 20 anymore. 40 also seems like a time when an adult settles into whatever it is they are doing with their life. So what am I doing with my life?
I am a stand-up comic. Something I take a great deal of pride in. Something I love very much. But I gotta tell you, after 16 years of being a comic and not having achieved some of the things I see people who have been doing this for 3 years get, I have to take another look at what I am doing. And maybe, maybe the answer is as simple as throwing in the towel. I don't know. I know that as much as I love being on stage, it doesn't matter. I don't say that in a poor me sort of way, I say that in acknowledgement of a industry where fame is not an indicator of talent.
2008 is my farewell tour.
2008 is my victory lap.
2008 is going to be my last year in comedy.
I think.
I sent a bulletin out on Myspace with words to that affect. I was amazed at the amount of responses it got. Amazed too at the kind words people had for me and their insistence that I do not quit just yet.
It is all very kind but the truth is I am also tired. Tired of the I.R.S. jumping on my tax return every year. If churches don't have to pay taxes then I don't think comics should either. We bring joy and understanding to people too. It's pretty easy for those ministers who preach that God wants you to have wealth when they don't have to pay any taxes. Seriously, why rake me over the coals for another two grand when 12 billion dollars of 100 hundred dollar bills were shipped to Iraq and no one knows where that money went. Go after those guys. Not the little guy telling jokes to a nation weary of such incredible news.
I am tired of dealing with Bookers who not only don't know whose who in the world of stand-up, but treat all comics like they are a dime a dozen. Not only that, but they treat their shitty one nighter crap gigs like its the holly grail of stand-up. Sorry dude, but for what your paying and the class of people your rooms attract, I can only laugh when you say with a straight face that I should be cleaner in your room.
I am tired of crowds who are too stupid to understand the comedy tools of irony, sarcasm or just a well written joke.
I am tired. I have spent the last 16 years of my life pursuing this dream at the expense of everything else in my life. The one time I dared to make comedy second was also the time when the woman I moved in with cheated on me. I am not doing that again anytime soon. I have to ask myself if a few hundred bucks a gig and the feeling that I killed is worth the cost to the rest of my life. I am not sure about that answer anymore. Usually I would not hesitate to answer with a firm, hell yea it's worth it! But not anymore. After 16 years of living with the expectation that success is just around the corner, it might be time to let that go. Not just that expectation either, but the whole damn dream with it. This may sound dramatic. I don't mean it to be. What do you do when your career is not where you want it to be but you have put so much time into it your not sure how to even let go if that is the right thing to do?
Life. What a bitch.
I am tired of everything my eye lands on somehow reminding me of her. I know I know. It's a God damn song lyric it's so cliche.
I am tired of thinking about moving back to L.A. or trying New York or even crossing the ocean and going to London. Would it make a difference? Who knows. Should a 40 year old man take his small savings and make that big of a jump? probably not. I am closer to 50 now and farther from 20. Yet I keep living like I am in my 20's.
I don't know where this blog is leading. I sorta feel like I am thinking out loud on this one.
Here is what I know. I know that I am a very good comic. Not great or the most original, but I'll tell you something that I don't think is cocky. I could be great. I believe that. If I could be on quality stages night after night to perfect my craft more, I could become one hell of a comic. I also know that in a business where youth is king, turning 40 is not so healthy.
I know that they key to getting clubs to book you is to have name recognition. I might give a hell of a show, but I am not the reason the crowd is showing up. How do you market in this age? I have asked the people who seem to do pretty well in that department and so far all I have learned is that they either don't exactly know either or they feel like giving away a secret like that will somehow hurt their career.
So thats that. There are the facts and feelings I am starting with this year. One positive note about quiting is not caring what comes out of my mouth on stage anymore. It might seem like I already do that, but I hold a lot back sometimes. Granted, no one wants to see a show and then watch a heated argument about religion break out. Course, that is a lot of fun for me.

Coast Guard Gig

The Coast Guard is definitely a part of the U.S. Military.

Thats what I learned at the Red Lion in Eureka,CA Saturday night. That, and it's a long drive on the redwood highway. Beautiful, but long.

I left San Francisco at noon and pulled into the parking lot of the hotel right at 7PM. I could of made better time, but the fog slowed me down to a crawl.

Private gigs make me nervous. Always have. Always will. I am the outsider coming into their house. I have to watch the language and it has to work. You can't write off a bad performance at a private. You only have this one chance to give them a great show. Before everyone of these gigs I always entertain the idea of just not showing up. How about that? A 7 hour drive just to turn around. Money has already changed hands though. I am committed. Besides, what sort of a pussy would I be?

There use to be a gig at a Sweetwater restaurant in a mall up here. I remember driving hours for less than a hundred bucks and the knowledge that I had to turn around right after the show. Back then, it didn't suck. It just felt like paying dues.

After you pass the little town of Wilits, the road goes from a well lit multi lane highway, to a two lane road that twists threw the Redwoods.

I have been in the city too long.

Thats what I keep thinking as I pass small houses with smoke drifting from stone chimneys. I always wonder if I could be happy in such a place. I wonder what the kids do for fun and how I would make a living.

Eureka is another town I use to come to for gigs or pass threw on my way to other ones. As I drove in, I no longer needed the directions. I remembered from years of driving exactly where the Red Lion was. I never performed at this one, but I am no stranger to doing a gig in a Red Lion Lounge.

There are only a few one nighter Booker's in the country. Sure, there are a few small time guys throwing together gigs here and there, but there really are only a handful of people who have decided that booking comics across the Greater Pacific Northwest in dive bars and red neck hang outs is the way to go.

One of these guys is a dude named Tribble. He's still doing it. The big joke use to be the more you work for him, the less you make. Sad thing is, it was true. If you were doing four shows in a week, you earned $175 as the headliner per show. If it was 5 shows, it was $150. The joke was, you could end up owing him money on these runs.

Last time I was doing "Tribble Runs" Alanis Moreset was huge and everyone dressed as a lumber jack. They still are dressing that way in Eureka by the way. In fact, a guy like me with a 70's hair cut fits in pretty well in Northern Cal.

I like that. I like that it feels like 1974 up here. Normally that might be something I would mock. Thats what I do after all. But this time, on this trip, it was comforting. I really have come a long way since those days. For one thing, my car is insured. I have no outstanding tickets either. Best of all, I am making a nice chunk of change on this gig.
In other words, it's not a Tribble gig.

I remember always passing through this town. I remember sitting at a cafe writing in my journal about being broke and more than a little nervous about the condition of my car.

I remember walking from a little motel to a Greyhound bus stop with my life savings in the jacket of my coat.

$135.00

Course, after the Bus ticket home and cheap sandwiches, my net worth dropped a bit more. Thats how it was back then. I was eternally broke. New comics ask me advice about the road all the time. The more removed I get from it, the less valuable those experiences seem to me. On the face of it, that statement might sound negative, but when I really look back at those times I can see how badly I treated myself all in the name of getting stage time.

Thats really the only way to say it too. I treated myself badly when I made the choice to accept 5 hour drives and pay that was unbelievably low.

Now days, I sometimes get a raised eye brow when I quote people a price for a show. If it's too high, then fair enough. But trust me, I have earned that price and you will have a great show.

The thing about these gigs that also makes me nervous is the physical set up. Often times they just want you to stand in the corner of a room with no microphone.

Nope.

They had a Mic set up for me with an additional sound system. But when I was introduced, I was standing behind a table podium. Not very stand up.

I walk around to the front.

When I did this, the people who were very stiffly seated at the traditional round banquet tables in front, actually pull back a little. There is now nothing between them and I. A man in a suit and tie is sitting less than 6 inches from me. The thing I find funny and continue to find funny during the show, is how uncomfortable this makes him!

He is a helicopter pilot that use to be in the Navy. Carer military man. When I ask his wife where they had moved from, she names a island of the coast of Washington State.

"Whats the biggest difference living here?" I ask.

With a bit of steel in her eyes she says, "Liberals and Hippies."

That makes me laugh.

I ask the man if this is as close as he has ever been to a guy with long hair.

He stutters a bit and just says yes.

I find this all hilarious! They are genuinely freaked out to be next to a "liberal."

If we were in a comedy club, it would of been a very different show. But, this is a private gig, so I play nice. The show goes well too. There are a few young guys at the table on my left. I don't know exactly what it is they do in the coast Guard, but the one guy is very happy about getting out in two months. He is the designated driver for a few other guys at the table. But I see him sipping from a pint glass of beer. WTF? When I ask him how is it that a designated driver can be drinking, he simply responds, "I am drinking it slow."
Well there you go.
He has already told me that when he gets out he is going to be a Sheriff.
"I can't wait to get pulled over by you for drunk driving. Have you been drinking tonight? Yes. But it's OK. I drank it slow officer."

The show is going into over time. Always a good thing. It means they are a good crowd and I am having fun. Thats when a woman from the back of the room pipes up.

"Is this your only line? The coast guard?"

She had spoke up earlier. We found out she is a dental assistant. At first I think she says Dental Hygienist, but this is taken as some sort of an insult by her. I guess The dentist does the tough stuff, the hygienist cleans teeth and she hands him stuff. So really, shes just a caddy. Besides, in a town where teeth are as rare as conservatives, how hard could her job be?

When she asks that question, is this your only line, I find it so preposterous I almost go into full comedy club mode on her ass.

"Well this is a party for the coast guard. Not dental assistants who can't shut their big mouths!"

There is always someone. Always a drunk person or a moron with a head full of a drink that wants to get into it. I don't mind. But really? Why are all the jokes about coast guard people? You can't figure out a theme going on here darling?

At one point, a drunk guy just walks up to me and puts his hand around me. Its a funny moment and he doesn't mean it in any aggressive way, but thats the thing with these gig. It always feels like it could turn bad in a heart beat. Thats also the exciting part too. I think the crowd gets that. I think they enjoy the verbal tight rope act of a man riffing with a crowd. it's funny and I am good, but just like a tight rope walker, seeing me fall would also be kinda cool to them.

Another guy also surprises me when I turn and he is standing there with a beer in his hand.

"I bet my friend that you are David Spades brother. Are you?" He manges to slur with a beer in his hand.

"Yes. David Spade is my brother. Thats why I am at a Red Lion in the middle of no where."

That gets a big laugh. Thats also when big mouth dental chick shouts out again. I don't know what it is she says, but my response sort of finishes the exchange for the evening.

"That girl has more warning flags than the coast guard."

During the show, I ask people if they were ever in the military. It is only when I ask that of a guy who looks like George Lopez do I get the answer, "You know. I always considered the Coast Guard part of the Military."

He said it with a smile, but what he really said was, fuck you hippie! We are in the military!

I mentioned this. Without the fuck you part of course. I looked back at the uncomfortable helicopter pilot and his wife and thats when it hit me; this is how I would be in church.

I think the crowd liked the show. The dude who booked me tipped me generously. But it was only when I was back in my car did it really occur to me what different worlds were in that room. Stiff backed career military dudes trained for combat, but freaked out by me.
You have to love that. They gave an oath to fight for their country and uphold the Constitution. Well, when I am standing in front of a crowd with a microphone, I am the living breathing beating heart of the first amendment.
Thanks for keeping it safe for me Coast Guard.

The Drive Way is Lava

A fan asking for more blogs. Even the cynic inside me can see that as a compliment. Thanks.
Comics always freak out when they feel like they haven't come up with something new in a while. I sure feel that right now. I have almost become split in two. The stage Joe riffs. There is rarely anymore written pieces. A few. At the start. Then, it's all "whats your name?"
Blogger Joe, plays with an idea or two. He rants away about the politics of the day and attempts to put into words what he really hopes other will recognize as the truth too. Right now, it's all so grim. I guess it is a little overwhelming. The news feels so overly processed to me lately. They are talking about torture in the same easy tones they tell you about tomorrows weather. Something wrong.
Conservatives constantly screamed that because of Clinton's blow job in the White House, they had to explain what oral sex was to their children because it was said on the news so much.
First off, you guys were the ones who told the news casters! If you didn't want to have to explain something you find disgusting to your kid's, then you shouldn't of spent millions of dollars and 4 years to find out he had one.
But now, with a President who ran on the slogan of restoring integrity to the Oval Office, we have to explain to kids what torture is.
You tell me what is more disgusting?
Once upon a time I asked a friend if he thought I had a "problem with pot?"
He didn't even pause. He just smiled and said, "People who don't have a problem with pot don't ask if they have a problem with pot."
Point taken.
Countries that have to ask what is torture and what is interrogation already have a very big problem.

Then, there are the attempts to "support the troops." Honestly, I know some very hardcore lefties out there, but I have never once heard anyone say anything negative about the troops. On the other hand, when ever the Democrats insinuate they will cut off funding for this war and bring the troops home, they are called American haters while their patriotism is questioned.
You tell me who has the troops best interest at heart. The people who sent them there with little or no plan, or the people who want this war of choice to end?
At Starbucks the other morning, I noticed a new sign at the counter. "Support our troops. Send them coffee."
Seriously?
I don't know about you, but if I was regularly waking up to 120 degree heat, wearing a minimum of 50 pounds worth of field equipment while being shot at by people, I don't know if coffee would be the first thing I would wish for.
How about a Popsicle? Maybe a snowcone or just a cup of ice.

They actually taped some of the first enhanced interrogations.
Enhanced?
Were not talking about the directors cut of a DVD here, were talking about making people think their drowning to get information out of them. It's called Water Boarding. Sounds like a sport that stonners are into. Maybe that information saved American lives. Maybe. But this is the same administration that tried to make heroic posters out of Jessica Lynch and Pat Tillman.
They lie.
They lie about everything. It is their first natural response to any question.
Lie Lie Lie!
A judge specifically told the CIA, the NSA and the Bush White House not to destroy any evidence pertaining to mistreatment of prisoners being held in Cuba. They destroyed the tapes -you will love this-because the men were not questioned at the Naval base in Cuba. They were being held in a network of secret CIA run prisons in Europe.
Get it.
It's a big game to them. You said only people held in Cuba.
It's such a kid's answer! It's like playing a game with your friends in the neighborhood. There is a safe zone, like the driveway. There are danger zones, like the row of hedges are lava. You can only walk on the grass to get to the secret place where you grab the flag.
Thats what there saying.
So as long as America doesn't torture on American soil, were not a country that engages in secret torture in secret prisons. It happens someplace else so were safe!
The people held in Guantanamo Naval base in Cuba, are classified as enemy combatants. This is a new term created by the Bush White House.
They have no right to look at the evidence against them.
They have no right to legal council and if they do get a lawyer, the Government tapes the conversation.
They have no right to a trial.
In other words, Bush is saying that these people can be picked up any where in the world and held indefinitely with no rights to a lawyer, a trial or knowledge of why they have been detained.
And were sending people to their death in Iraq for what reason now?
Freedom!
We can do all this to them because according to the way the CIA plays the game, Guantanamo is not American soil.
But it is!
Any American base is considered part of America.
Were the only country in the world who feels it necessary to change the rules on this.

Maybe we should make them sit in the middle of down town Baghdad and drink a big steaming cup of coffee. Oh wait, thats how we support our troops.

Stuck in the toliet

A man spent four days trapped in a toilet after the door handle broke.

David Leggat, 55, was unable to raise the alarm after becoming stuck in the toilets at Kittybrewster and Woodside Bowling Club in Aberdeen. (I found this story on the BBC. You know these are English names)
Mr Leggat had no mobile phone or food, and used tap water for refreshment and for heat.
He was only released when cleaner Cathy Scollay arrived and heard his cries for help. She told BBC Scotland: "He said, 'I have been locked in for four days.'"
Mrs Scollay added: "I went in to work as normal and a voice shouted out. I could not take it in.
"The handle had broken. He was a bit shaky, and was as white as a sheet."

So many questions? How sad is it that no one even missed the guy?
"Hey, wheres David?"
"Last I saw him he was going to the bathroom."
Even worse, they clean the bathroom every four days!
Must be a delightful establishment.

Transgressive Language

This is a new one. I got paid last night to not perform. Instead, I was part of a panel discussion on transgressive language at Standford. I was on stage with a professor, a artist in residence, a spoken word artist and the man who created the sound track for the interpretive dance.
Thats right, I said interpretive dance.
When the Booker called me about this gig I said yes right away. All you have to do, he explained, is sit on this panel and talk about transgressive language.
Sounds like easy money.
When I find the theater on the sprawling Standford campus, the performance has already begun.
Along with other late arrivals, I stand in the lobby watching the performance on one of the two giant flat screen TV's they have set up. All I know is that I am going to be the comic in this discussion group. When I get handed a program and see a group of people on stage dancing to music I cannot define, I started wonder what I had agreed too.
The last piece of the evening is titled, Jokes like that can get you killed.
It's a modern dance piece that explores sensitive subject matter from the perspective of an individual speaking a rarely spoken consensus. Thats what it says in the program anyway. What I saw and heard was this.
The lights came up on the stage and the first thing you heard was a girl moaning off the sound track of any porn. Projected behind the dancers was a giant set of legs that "walked" their way like scissors might walk from one side of the stage to the other. All the while, a group of dancers gyrated and moved in complex rhythms to the music. In other words, I didn't have a clue what was going on or how this explored transgressive language. That word kept coming up but truly I don't know how a dance, no matter how well executed, deals with that subject. Thats where the Audio & Visuals came in I suppose. The moaning porn girl began to be replaced with clips of comics telling profanity laced jokes and recent celebrities that were in the news for saying the N-word or using other such language. You know, Don Imus and his Nappy headed hoe's comment. Things like that.
Visually, it was kinda cool. The scissor legs were replaced with a montage of religious symbols and political figures. Their heads appeared on paper cut out bodies 30 feet above the dancers. All these images would float across the giant back drop of the stage as more and more people came out from the wings and danced. Over the soundtrack were audio clips of various comics doing bits. Bits, I might add that were now being used out of context to demonstrate how vulgar our culture had become.
Out of context, Dave Chappelles bit about fucking a monkey sounds dirty. Well, to be honest even in context it sounds dirty. But presented like this, in a theater with people who undoubtedly think of themselves as patrons of the finer arts, it was used as shock value.
There were clips of Bill Maher, Wanda Sykes and other famous comics. Just quick snippets of jokes set against the back drop of larger than life images, new age music and well toned dancers.
At this point, I found myself watching the performance and wondering what the hell I was doing there. I was fighting my urge to mock it. Thats not easy! But I couldn't help but think how much money and effort went into something that I bet no one really understood.
After the show, about 70 or so people gathered in a smaller theater. On stage, there were 5 chairs. The musician who did the soundtrack sat on one side of me and Robert, the guy who created the event, sat on the other side of me. I apologize for not remembering any other names, but we were also joined by a spoken word artist and a professor. Easily, I was the least educated person sitting on that stage. But as I listened to everyone speak about the context of meaning and how the n-word had been belched in our culture and that a voice is more important than what you are really saying, I wanted to role my eyes. At one point, the spoken word artist said he had more leeway from an audience to be didactic.
Didactic?
It was a dissection of the artistic piece we had all just watched and it was a discussion on what is and what is not socially acceptable speech. The thing is, and if anyone who was there reads this I apologize, it was all bullshit.
The issues of race and what can and what should not be said in public is a complex enough issue to deal with without adding another incomprehensible layer of "art" to it. Modern dance might not be the best venue to take on this subject matter. Thats just my thought. What do I know. I only use transgressive language every day in my art.
I nodded my head a lot and tried to look interested. A lot of the time, I really just felt like everyone was using large vocabulary words to out do the last person. A sort of intellectual version of yo mama jokes.
I don't know that I am qualified to speak on the issues of racism and the black community, but there I was on stage with a professor who wrote a book and a guy being paid by a world renowned college to dream up dances about relevant issues in our culture.
The more he explained the piece to the audience, the less I thought I understood it. When the professor spoke about the white washing of the word nigger in everyday language, I was totally lost. Eventually, Robert turned to me and simply said, As a comic, whats your perspective?
I said I didn't get it but some of the dancers were hot.
That got a laugh.
I think it got a laugh because most of the people didn't get it either. But it was fun. I mostly spoke about language being an imprecise tool. How crowds have a hard time telling the difference between a comic using a word for shock value and a comic using a shocking word to make fun of the ignorance behind such words.
To me, thats the giant blind spot with liberals that prevents them from truly understanding some things. Sometimes you have to use the hurtful words in order to make fun of them. But the second they hear such words, they shut down. They don't listen to the word in the context it is being used in, they only register the bad word being spoken.
Irony, sarcasm and satire are just not comedic tools a lot of crowds understand anymore.
It also struck me as yet one more reason why liberals cant get anything done. All this discussion about a dance that was meant to shed light on something that even it's creator was having a difficult time explaining all seemed silly to me. In the desire to be polite with everyone, the conversation first gets unnaturally warped by side stepping anything that might offend anyone. Then, it gets pushed further from what the real topic is by the sound of intellectuals enjoying their voices.
I don't mean to sound harsh and yes, I do have some class issues around anyone creating socially minded art in a college for money. If the point is to start a discussion on language and it's effects on society, then I guess mission accomplished. But if 5 guys had not sat down with each other and talked about transgressive language in art and culture, I never would of watched that dance and thought thats what it was about. I don't know. People dancing while a girl moans off a porn soundtrack seems shocking for shocking sake. Not to shed light on anything. Using clips of comics doing bits seems unfair to me too. Unfair because I doubt the clips were paid for and unfair because after all the discussion about putting things in their own context, these clips were clearly not in their proper context.
I would not stand up during a modern dance performance and presume they would be receptive to my comedy.
Agenda driven art drives me crazy. It's never that good. The art, becomes second to the meaning. But when Robert spoke about the piece, he said he didn't like being preached to from the stage. Maybe so, but your original intention has been so buried under so much other meaning that whatever it is you wanted this to be about requires an hour long discussion with the audience after the performance. I think that means it fails on the meaning part. Artistically, I am not in a position to judge the dancing. It looked great! Visually the whole thing was cool, but it was less about the dancing I think and more about being a really cool multi media presentation. I don't know. I know that I sometimes take my comedy way to serious for my own good too. Thats what I think happened here. Nothing bad or wrong, just seems that people with a grant from a college who take everything way too seriously used the artistic skills they had to comment on an art they know nothing of. I think thats what bothered me about the whole thing. When ever they talked about the "piece" they would say how difficult it was to hear some of the shocking words and material.
On the drive home I thought of at least a hundred other things I wish I said. I wish I had brought up Lenny Bruce, the great great grandfather of modern stand-up comedy as we know it. He died a martyr for wanting to talk about the real issues of the day in the way real people talked. Real people swear. Real people use shit & fuck as adjectives. Real people flocked to his shows when the establishment rightful saw him as a challenge to all that 1950's conformity he showed us was hypocrisy.
I thought Mark Twain. When his books, Huckleberry fin and Tom Sawyer came out, they were greeted with critical disdain. He broke an unspoken rule by writing dialogue as people actually spoke it back then. Writing anything required that the author use that overly flowery and dramatic style of the day. He broke with convention and as a result his books became hugely popular.
Lenny Bruce and mark Twain didn't call attention to themselves by saying, hey look what I am doing! I am using transgressive language to show how it erodes society and the meaning behind everything we say. No. They just told what they heard in a matter of fact way. And people got it.
I am going to write Standford and ask if they have ever had a stand-up comic as an artist in residence. What the hell. if a comedy club will pay me to tell jokes why wont a college pay me to explain them? Apparently thats what we need these days, explanations.

On Fire at the Purple Onion

If an audience member catches on fire, as one did last night at the Purple Onion, you might want to stop the raffle at the end of the show and at least acknowledge it. Just a thought.

I had just finished my set and was walking to the back of the room. Another comic was speaking in my ear when out of the corner of my eye I saw a flash. When we both turned, we saw the flame from a candle shoot up the back of a girls head. Her long black hair was like a fuse. The people closest to her started patting her head. In seconds, everyone was around her hitting the back of her head with their open palms. I got there a heart beat after everyone else did. The girl, Ell seemed confused as to why a group of people spontaneously began hitting her. All I could think to do was just say, "Your heads on fire."
You know, to explain. Wouldn't you wonder why at the end of a comedy show complete strangers went all Ike Turner on you? I thought I was being helpful.
I am the guy you want in an emergency folks. The guy who can show up just a bit too late to be of any real use but will then plainly state a fact you are probably painfully aware of already. You know, like CNN.
For my comment, "Your heads on fire" I was rewarded with the greatest no shit look ever! Heres the thing I find second funniest in all this.
While a group of 5 or more people composed of comics, door man and assorted other patrons rushing over to the table to help, our host kept on plugging future shows and doing a raffle oblivious to what was happening. How that is possible is beyond me, but it happened!
A chours of, "are you alright?" was drowned out by the sound of a comic handing out prizes for the person who drank the most. How about a prize for the person got the best jokes? WTF!
Do we really need to encourage the idea that stand-up comedy can best be enjoyed while drunk?
It only came to his attention that an audience member had recently been on fire when he went silent and then asked the crowd,
"What is that smell? "
What is that smell? Dude, it's the chic whose head was JUST on fire!
less than 10 feet directly in front of you!
The crowd all pointed in the direction of the now very drunk and pissed off woman who was just on fire a second ago. His response, "Oh. Thats why I smell burning hair."
Now I could give the no shit look.
After confirming that she was now indeed, put out, he then resumed the sales pitch much to the astonishment of the crowd.
It was awesome!
He had prizes to give damn it, and nothing was going to stop him! OK, you lost a crowd before, but never to fire!
It was like watching some mad general march on to battle in the face of grim odds. Could be a brave man adhering to his own code of conduct, or a fool.
But it was damn funny!
There are very few rules to comedy. That is it's eternal curse and astonishing beauty. But I do know this; When a member of the crowd is burning, the shows over.

Here is what I think is the funniest thing.
As we all patted her head and offered condolences, the cocktail waitress quietly walked over to all this commotion and nonchalantly blew the candle out before walking away without a word.
Oh yeah! That might be a good idea too!
That made me laugh. You have to love that though. The host is going on at the mic hawking his CD and telling everyone about up coming shows, "...Your alright then? Well then, Mark Pita will be here next week followed by..."
In the middle of all this the waitress just blows it out and walks away as if this happens all the time. The group that had gathered around her all just sorta looked at each other as if to say, I was about to do that.
Sure you were.
At least I was attempting to be informative with out providing any real help.
Like FEMA.

Shes fine by the way. A bit pissed of course and more than a little drunk, but OK. She was drunk. In fact she won the contest for having the most drinks that night.
Surprise!
I don't know about you, but if a person in your show catches on fire, chances are they were the one who drank the most. There is our lesson in this latest adventure friends, if you are ever handing out prizes for the audience member who drank the most and a girls head suddenly goes up in flames, just give the prize to that person.
Trust me. It's her.
Oh and the show, it was OK. I have to be honest though, I was pretty depressed at the small turn out. It was an Onion sponsored event! I had my own add in the paper to promote the show along with the Booker's separate add and we still only had 20 people. It is so discouraging. When I complained to the crowd about this a woman said, "Maybe people don't think it's a real add."
Oh my God! That is the most logical heckle ever!
It makes sense too. The Onion is fake news so it stands to reason that people might see any add and think it was fake too.
Like statistics on FOX News.
I don't know about you, but that was worth the $15.00 cover and two and a half hours of show on a Wednesday night!
"How was the show last night?"
"A ladies fuckin' head caught on fire! It was pretty awesome. Oh, the comics were OK I guess, I don't know."

Working Blue in Tahoe

North Shore Tahoe,
Ever been? It is beautiful. Where you least expect it, there are 3 little casinos just across the state line high up in the Mountains on a twisting little two lane highway. Across the street is the Tahoe Biltmore. I don't know when it was built, but the many black and white photos that lined the walls in our little casino seems to indicate they had been there for sometime. Our little Casino is called Crystal Bay. Thats all it is too, a casino. No hotel rooms or restaurant, just a few sparsely attended tables, bars at opposite ends of the place and a parking structure that seems more wishful thinking than anything else.
The rooms they put us in were nice. Even elegant. They were there just for the talent. However, they lacked doors on the bathroom and an Internet connection. Also, no Bible in the nightstand. OK, I am 99% sure I am going to be alone so the missing bathroom door didn't bother me as much as feeling cut off from the rest of the world. My phone couldn't get a clear signal either. Not having a Bible didn't really bother me.
Oh well. I am alone in Tahoe for a few days with nothing but my head.
HELP!
We got up there on a Monday for a Tuesday night show. The thinking was, we wouldn't have to travel and perform on the same day. Glad we did it too. The show it's self was a major let down. It was one of those gigs where everything about it was great. The location, the room, the friendly people, everything but the show.
I still did an hour twenty though.
Tuesday morning I got up early. I just couldn't sleep and decided to look around North Shore Tahoe. I went for a drive and found two very beautiful things quickly; Starbucks and the lake front. That is the order I would put them in too. Sorry to sound like a yuppie, but starting a day without my regular cup of a coffee from the worlds biggest drug supplier is not a pretty thing to consider. They also had a wireless hot spot.
This is what I like most when I am on the road. These tiny moments where you find something familiar in a place that is anything but. I like sitting there drinking my coffee till the last few gulps are cold and surfing the Internet with the idea that there is this brand new place to go and explore. Also, having my connection to the outside world limited isn't such a bad thing. Being alone with my head is not easy either, but it is always important to listen without distraction.
And so it was that I found myself standing at the edge of another clear blue mountain lake contemplating what it is I should be contemplating. This time, there was no closed gate to enforce personal reflection. There was just that other worldly sparkle of sun light on the lakes surface and rocks that looked more like eggs just beneath the clear water. The mountains were green and silent, the sky was high and blue, and every breath tasted clean. I am always in these places because of comedy but I am never thinking about comedy when I am in these places. When it comes to stand-up lately, I feel so distracted, disinterested and wooden on stage. I hope it is a phase. Being a comic for this long is like being in a relationship; some years are better than others. What it all comes down to for me, is the creative end. I am not a good business man when it comes to my career. Self promotion is something I begrudgingly do with mixed results. What I love the most is being onstage playing with the crowd and ideas. But even that feels old these last few months. New ideas get written down, but I don't want to take the risk of trying them out. I feel old on stage. Not just in age, but in delivery, in material, in spirit.
There are nights when I am driving to a gig and a phone call from the Booker saying it's canceled would be welcomed. I hate that. I use to love going to do comedy. Nervous, sure, but excited and grateful for the work. This last year has been a bitch. No other way to describe it really. I just keep waiting for something to kick in or some spark to return. The gigs I have been doing have all gone well to great for me, but each one I come away from thinking there is another level I should be operating at but cannot seem to reach. I think thats whats bugging me lately.
Every comic has moments of growth. You can feel them. Sudden understandings or a jump in the ability to finally say what you want inside a bit. The level of your performance is just better. People notice it and you feel it. It is a great high to revel in during those all to brief moments in your life.
I have not had one of those for a long time now.
I don't practice what I preach either. So much that happened this year is intensely painful and private, yet I tell younger comics all the time thats where the best stuff comes from. What I want to do, what I wish I had the balls to do, is to start going up on stage with the barest of jokes and just talk all this shit out. When your being paid to entertain a crowd and you want to be re booked, you don't experiment; you kill. You kill with what has proven it's self over and over again. Thats the problem now. The over and over and over part. When I set up a bit that is at least 8 years old, a bit I really have no emotional connection to anymore, it gets harder and harder to sell it. Thats what being a pro and an artist is, that back and forth between making the buck and pleasing the creative process. All that baggage from Samantha is piling up and needs a way to come out. It's one thing to do it here in a blog, but the stage is where I live. Without fresh blood, it becomes a less interesting place to live.

The night of the show there are less than ten people in the audience a quarter to show time. The other comics and I each look at each other with that familiar look. When you get into comedy, you never imagine these times. You never think about the gigs you drove 5 hours to to be in front of a handful of people spread out inside an ark. Thats what this place looks like too, an ark. All the wood and tables set up like the last supper give it that feeling. The Booker is a nice enough guy, he just keeps asking us about other comics who would work well up here. We don't know yet what up here really is so it's hard to say exactly.
We start the show a quarter after with about 60 people spread threw the room. Not bad. The host goes up. He is relatively new, but a smart writer. As an opener, he lacks that sort of energy you want someone to have, but if the crowd is half way decent, they will come together and start listening. Once that happens, they will hear some really fresh really funny jokes. There might not be a better joke writer right now than this guy.
This crowd never really came together however.
Crowds are curious things. Like an individual, they have their own personality and unique challenges. This crowds main challenge was Tina.
After the show, the Booker told me, "Yeah, thats Tina. She usually comes and sits in back talking too loud. This time they wanted to sit up front."
Of course the did.
Rule number 4,028: When putting together my dream room, I will have hosts seat the crowd, not let them sit down where ever they want. This accomplishes two very important things to insure the success of a show before it even starts.
1. The crowd is distributed evenly in the room. No empty pockets or concentrations of crowd in any one spot.
2. If you know someone is coming in drunk, loud or demonstrates anything that appears problematic, you can seat them in an area of the room where they will cause the least amount of negative impact on the show.
Thats just Tina?
Thats what we want, a Booker who is co-dependant with the audience.
Tina, cannot shut the fuck up. Every joke requires her comments. Every set up is greeted with a hardy drunk girl "WHOOOOOOO!" You can see the faces of the people around her. They are more than a little fed up with the constant and annoying interruptions this drunk girl creates on the order of every 30 seconds.
Of course there is no bouncer or manager or any staff to go over to her and ask her to quiet down.
The opener is not really a guy who engages the crowd, so he respectfully ignores the distraction and plows forward. Most of the time the person gets the hint and shuts up after a while.
Not Tina.
Ah drunk people. What a loud world they must live in. To communicate with the rest of us, they have to yell.
Next up is an old friend of mine. Maybe the booze has really kicked in, but Tina becomes such a distraction toward the end of his set that at one point he looks down at the three other guys around her table and says, "Will someone please stick a dick in her to shut her up."
Almost an hour into a show, that gets the nights first round of applause from a crowd that hasn't come together yet. As a result of that, his closing bit just sorta sits there and he is left with no other option than to just say, "Well, thats been my time."
Every comic hates that moment. You have done all you can and still they are just looking at you when every other crowd that ever heard that joke laughed and then applauded.
Not these guys.

Off to one side of the stage is a large curtain. It is the only thing between us and the crowd. When my friend comes off stage, he is standing there fuming.
"That fucking cunt in the front row will not shut the fuck up! Have fun."
Now it's my turn.
Before I get on stage, I already have my work cut out for me. The Booker, getting drunker on wine and then switching to shots of Jaggermister, tells me to do as much time as I want. Ordinarily I would greet that sentence with a smile. Tonight, not so much.
When I get up there, I ignore the drunk bitch directly in front of me and stay on course with material. My heart is not entirely in the delivery, but it gets the laughs I need and the crowd is close to reaching that critical mass when they stop being a bunch of people at tables and become a solid thing unto it's self and give in to the show.
It's hard to tell sometimes if it is something happening in the crowd or something happening inside myself. But this show has that blah feeling. There just sitting there because it's the day before Thanksgiving and they have nothing to do and I'm just up there with a Microphone telling them jokes my heart is not really in. It's these shows where I feel like I could tip it closer to a better show if I was a little more on my game.
Who knows. I know I still care though. I know I want them to have a great show so I pull out every trick I can think of. That includes engaging Tina.
I stuck with material longer than I normally would of, but once I start riffing, that fills an hour.
You get the feeling from the crowd when you have chosen the right target.
Tina was the right target.
I only get off stage when the TV's that line the walls in the place suddenly come on. No sound, but all of the sudden we are all treated to various helpings of sports, news and interviews. I take that as the signal to get off stage. I am informed when I come off that that was in fact not the signal to come off and no one knows why that happened. An hour and twenty minuets in front of a crowd that is less than stellar is enough. I gave them their moneys worth.
Now comes the time honored tradition of waiting around after the show wondering if you should respectfully bring up the fact that you haven't been paid yet, or start getting drunk with the locals.
I just want to get my check and jack-off in my little room to the thought of already being in the car and headed home.
Really, it wasn't such an awful gig. It's just that I feel kinda dirty for having done it. Thats all.
There are just too many of these gigs. The Booker, drunk and a little stumbly now, does the post show review. He tells me that I did great and he would love to have me back in February. And you know what, I will do it too. I will do it because I know I am better than any one night at any one room.
When he breaks down the other two guys acts, it almost makes me laugh out loud for the accidental compliment he gives them. "Tonight, we had thoughtful comics you had to listen too."
I think you have to listen to them all.
What he is saying is that their jokes were smart. This crowd was not.
All in all, beautiful location and a good time with friends, but this is like so many other one nighters where the crowd is not half as cool as they think they are and the Booker says he wants quality when what he really needs for this room is road dogs with hours of easily digestible dick jokes.
Thats what makes me wonder about my set.
Sure, I pulled out some old stuff that relied heavily on that part of the body for laughs. It was the right thing to do. As an old friend in comedy once told me after a intense debate about doing what you want verses giving a crowd what they want, he simply said, "You don't bring Sushi to a Barbecue."
True that!
As a comic, you want to reach a point where you can raise the crowd to the level you want to work at. I have had some of the best shows with religion and politics in places you wouldn't think it would fly. I always give them the benefit of the doubt. I will throw some bits out there and see how they do. If they don't bite, I can try to sell it a little harder. If they still don't hit, well hello dirty stuff! After all, as much as I want this to be about me, it is after all about the crowd. As the headliner, I feel a certain obligation to be able to get them to laugh. Thats my job on a show, to be the best. After watching two extremely talented and funny comics battle a crowd that seems largely disinterested or dim, what am I suppose to do? I am suppose to go up there and kill. Thats what. They don't care about my personal struggle to write smart heart felt material about love and loss and all the phases of grief you go through. They just want to laugh.
We all forget that sometimes. The crowd shows up with an expectation of hearing jokes. A comic shows up with the expectation of the crowd being great. When we say great, we mean smart, hip and greeting the jokes our hearts are in with thunderous applause.
A lot of the time, thats exactly what happens. But more often than not on these types of gigs, they don't want to hear your tightly written and genius joke about whats wrong with Government. They could care less that you finally got that bit about your heart being broken to work at the last gig you did. They want jokes.
When I was young the term working blue confused me. I thought it meant going to work when you were sad.
On this show, it meant what it has always meant and it also meant what I thought it was too. I cant speak for any other comic, but on nights like these you hit a moment on stage that is almost like an out of body experience. You see yourself on stage and you see the faces of those in the audience. Your saying jokes correctly, I mean the words are coming out right, but it makes no difference. The laughter just isn't coming. Thats when you hit that curious moment inside yourself when you can either shut down and phone it in, or find the will to push forward with what is required.
Plan B, for me anyway, is always the riff gun.

Standing in back of the Punch Line last night, I am talking to a friend of mine. We are talking about riffing and getting more new stuff out there. The pressure to kill has never been greater. I think everyone feels it. Where do you take the chances needed to grow that new stuff? Where is it OK to have a quiet set while your hammering out something new?
The truth is, I am a very lucky comic. With the degree of respect and trust this town has given me, I should be able to start using some of that stock to take bigger risks on stage.
I will tell you something I honestly believe, I am a very good comic. If I could find that last missing little piece, I could be a great comic. It's just that one little thing I need to find. Something in delivery or subject matter or what?
I remember watching Jim Short at the old Cobb's. Man, there was a golden time. Virtually unlimited stage time in a club with a paid audience. What a gift those years were to all of us back then. Jim was always a funny guy. Always stuck out. But at some point, he made the choice to start doing what he wanted the way he wanted. So, on those 3 showcase nights, he went up and for 6 months he bombed. I mean he just ate it up there in silence.
I remember the "water cooler" talk about it at that time. Is he funny? What is he thinking? That sort of thing.
For 6 months, 3 nights a week in 15 minuets bursts, he went on stage and performed in silence. No matter what had worked before or what his instincts must of been telling him in the moment, he shut all that out in the hope of perfecting his voice.
If you have ever watched Jim Short, then you know he is a force of nature on stage. Relentless tightly written smart bits just keep coming. But that only happened because he decided he was going to use whatever stage time he would be given to learn how to do what he wanted.
Obviously it worked.
I remember being outside one night and hearing laughter like thunder threw the walls.
"Whose on right now?" I asked someone.
"I think it's Short!"
And that was that. After 6 months of nothing, it fell into place. His gamble paid off. I think it is time to follow that example.

Thanksgiving

Yesterday, 3 Iraqi kids were killed and 20 injured when a bomb went off as U.S. troops were handing out toys. 2 U.S. Marines were also killed. The reason I tell you this and show you this photo is to make clear a simple point; no matter how much better we are being told things are in Iraq, if any one of the acts of violence that still occurs across that country happened here, it would be major news for months.
Imagine a bomb going off as firemen handed Gameboys to 5th graders. There would be round the clock news coverage for weeks. Daily updates on the police search would continue for months. But 3 kids killed in Iraq is considered a sign that things are getting better.
Saying only 3 children were killed is not a success. All it manges to demonstrate is how jaded we all have become.
Democrats are also starting to say that leaving might be worse than if we stay. The thinking goes that once we pull out, all the key players will be at each others throats.
Unlike now I guess.
In other words, you think it looks bad now, wait and see what would happen if our stabilizing forces are suddenly gone.
Think about this argument for a moment. Having created the disaster in Iraq, it would cause even greater destruction if we left now. So we can't ever leave. Better to keep the constant stream of blood running into the sand down to a slow trickle over the next decade rather than the orgy of violence that would be released in one big bang if we leave.
Is that why Bush recently used Vietnam as a reason for us to stay?
Where else could you get a way with this sort of logic in life?
Having run over the pedestrian, we should park the car on top of him.
After rushing into the bank and killing several people, we should now take the remaining people inside hostage until our demands are met. For peace.
Seriously, are these examples that far fetched? I don't think so. Fact is, we have set up a situation that cannot be won no matter what we do now. Of course, the longer we remain in such a situation, the more unstable the entire region becomes. That means the price of oil will continue to rise earning a very small minority of people in the world, a group I might add that includes the President, his father and his close personal friends, millions of dollars a day in profit.
According to recent evidence gained in a military raid on a home in Baghdad, 60% of the foreign fighters in Iraq come from two countries; Lybia and Saudi Arabia.
And those are our friends! The other 40% are coming from countries that openly hate us.
Is Iran sending men and weapons into Iraq?
Yes.
Just like we sent weapons and expertise to Iraq during the 8 year war on Iran.
Just like we spent millions of dollars outfitting and training Al Quedia in Afghanistan to drive out the soviets.
Just like Saudi Arabia sends men to fight for fellow Sunnis in Baghdad.
If you want an honest look at the situation over there you first have to stop thinking we have never done what all the countries surrounding Iraq are doing now.
When we did it, it was called protecting our interests.
When they do it, it's called helping the enemy.
It's worth remembering what meddling in other countries wars gets you; Al Quedia. A fully functional terrorist organization we trained and supplied weapons to for a couple of hundred million dollars.
This is the same organization we have now spent one trillion dollars fighting in a global war.
A war we say must continue. A war where they make bombs with the knowledge we gave them.
They are just doing what we trained them to do. Something we were very pleased with when they used that expertise to blow up soviet tanks and kill Russians.
Now we fight them in Iraq. A place Saddam did not allow Al Quedia to operate in. Ironic, but he hated them because he didn't want religious extremists inside his country undermining his secular authority. Al Quedia didn't show up in Iraq until we did. It wasn't difficult for them. All they had to do was come over from Afghanistan. A war we sorta pulled out of to go fight Saddam. The one guy over there who actually agreed with us what a menace religious extremists are.
Salute the flag.
Get ready to shop at the sales.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Add?

Dear Loyal Readers & Fans,
I am thinking about trying the Google Add Sense thing on my blog. Here is how it works. A computer program looks at the content of my site and then determines what the best adds might be for my blog. When a person clicks on one of the adds, I get something like a penny deposited into a paypall account.
Who knows, there might be some money to be made.
But here's the thing.
If I am raging against the system and the corrosive effect of placing a monetary value on everything, would it not be a huge hypocritical action to have commercials embeded along side my texts proclaiming these dangers?
Comments please=)

New Zealand's Fat Policy

A British woman planning to start a new life with her husband in New Zealand has been banned from entering the country - because she is too fat.
Rowan Trezise, 33, has been left behind in England while her husband Richie, 35, has already made the move down under leaving her desperately trying to lose weight.
When the couple first tried to gain entry to the country they were told that they were both overweight and were a potential burden on the health care system.
Wow!

Were not talking about rides at Disney Land here people, were talking about an entire country!

When you get to New Zealand is there something like the carry on luggage warnings at airports?
If your bad cannot fit into this space you cannot take it on board the plane.
Except in this case it would something like a pair of cut-offs. If you can't get into them, you don't get to eat fresh Kiwi tonight.

Even if the woman manages to loose the weight, she is definitely going to require mental health care from their system now.
It's one thing to be a little winded walking up a hill, but when a whole country tells you your simply too fat to enter, thats going to leave lasting emotional damage.
If that was me, I would of ran back onto the plane in tears screaming, "I am so fat their afraid I will sink the island!"

I thought America was cruel. Who knew the Kiwis could be so anti-fat? On the other hand though, I understand it to a certain degree. Employers in this country can legally tell unhealthy employees to shape up or they will be terminated. Sounds unfair, but every scientific study ever done proves that an employee who is 10 pounds or more over weight, takes more sick days and ends up costing the company more in the long run in insurance payments.
So from the cold hard cash perspective, I get it.
Too bad our immigration debate is centred around Mexicans crossing the border. It would make it all so much more hilarious and absurd if politicians were standing at podiums scare mongering Americans with speeches about Fat people illegally crossing the border! "They can hide potential weapons in their fat and they will eat food that would otherwise go to a hungry American! Don't you see? Fat people are coming into this country with no regard to our ways! The culture is being destroyed by these Fat people! They refuse to learn our menus for God sakes! To them, the great American melting pot is a cheese fondue!"
Your telling me that wouldn't make you suddenly pay more attention to the ongoing debate over immigration?

If you have seen any of the news reports about the minuet man brigades who watch the border with guns in hand, you know their not the fittest bunch on the planet either. You ever see these fat white guys? In fact, most of these guys would be denied entry into New Zealand.
No what I mean?
They are always telling us how much illegal immigrants cost our health care system. First of all, what system? Second of all, how much are these fat morons costing us?
Seriously?
While their keeping us safe from a work force willing to be paid slave wages for jobs most Americans wont do, they are eating their weight in beef jerky. Eventually, this will catch up to them and it wont be cheap to reverse a life time of Beer, pork rinds and ignorance.

A little side comment on the whole thing before we go back to the easy laughs at the expense of larger Americans.
The big question I never hear asked by either side is why. Why are people from south of the border coming here in unprecedented numbers? The answer is surprisingly simple. America went into every one of those countries and decimated their economies. Central and South America should be wealthy nations. They are, in natural resources. They actually have more timber, oil, coal and precious metals than we do. So why aren't they rich? We gamed the system of international financial markets. Basically, we tell the leaders of those countries that if they want U.S. help, they have drop any restrictions to outside investors coming in and controlling everything. Countries like Bolivia took the bate. Bechtel bought all of Bolivia's public water facilities. As soon as they did, water rates went up 400%!
At one time, it was against the law to even capture rain water in a bucket.
We destroy the infrastructure, economy and spirit of a country to make money for the wealthy elite. In turn, those poor people come here because even minimum wage is a high rate of pay to people use to living on less than a dollar a day.
They come here seeking a better life for themselves and their families.
Kinda like your ancestors did.

What is the connection between a closed mind and a constantly open mouth anyway?
Don't get all politically correct on me. You have noticed it too.
New Zealand determines if someone is fat with the Body Mass index. What is your height compared to your waist line. That sort of thing.
Maybe New Zealand is on to something. Obesity is described as an epidemic in this country. But it's not like the polio epidemic where mothers kept kids out of public pools for fear of catching it. It is the first epidemic in the history of the world to be self made and self sustained for no other reason other than we love to eat shit. You don't catch fat like you would Ebola or AID's. You have to work at it. I realize a lot of people are genetically predisposed to being heavier than other people. The fact remains however, we are a large nation. When it comes to the size of our people anyway we really are the largest nation on the face of the earth.

The other night, I was switching back and forth between two stations on T.V. On Spike, they were showing clips of an upcoming competitive eating championship to be held on Thanksgiving. On the history channel, they were showing the extreme conditions of poverty that the majority of people live in on this planet.
Same planet, different worlds.
Ours is a culture of plenty. Ours is a culture of no impulse control. Our society is all about the individual who wants more now!
The vast amount of people who we share this world with go to bed hungry every night. They always say, go to bed, but most of these people don't have a bed or even a roof.
Why are people coming here again?
Because we did too well at selling the American dream to the rest of the world. Everyone all over the world knows America. Even now, in the middle of a war, refuges come to our shores because they too want the luxury of throwing away what is left on their plastic trays at any McDonald's when they find themselves full.
Be careful though. If you get too fat you can forget about ever going on the super geeks tour of places where The Lord of the Rings movies were filmed.