Monday, May 12, 2008

Winchester Mystery Life

I went to the Winchester Mystery House in San Jose this weekend with two friends. You ever been? Apparently old lady Winchester was told by a spiritualist to move out west and never stop building a house. This would be the only way to appease all the spirits killed by her husbands invention, the Winchester Repeating Riffle. 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, that's what she did.
Stairs lead to no where, cupboards open onto walls, windows over look bathrooms, it's all kinds of fun. With stuff just haphazardly added on to the house and stuff going off in all directions, I feel as if I am leading the Winchester Mystery Life. Course, no one told me to move out west and perform comedy to appease the spirits of all the jokes that died, but that's what it feels like some days.
Oh, and old lady Winchester was crazy rich. I am pour. There will be no tour of my apartment when I pass on. Well, there might be, but I doubt the gift shop will be have anything anyone will want to buy.
If life is one big tour. Maybe we don't end up in Heaven at all. Maybe we just end up in some vast gift shop. That would be a surprise no one saw coming!
I lived on earth and all I got was this T-shirt.
Mugs with a photo of your most embarrassing moment on it. Yup, that's Mom opening the bathroom door catching me masturbating! Giant size pencils and posters with Kittens and glib sayings. You have to have those. Every gift shop I have ever been in has those for some reason. You know what I mean. A kitten hanging off a branch and the words, Hang In there at the bottom. At the Winchester gift shop, they had a strange collection of posters that included Scarface. Yeah. Scarface!
"What did you kids get to remember your tour of the Mystery House?"
"A poster of Scarface on a one hundred dollar bill!"
And of course, no gift shop would be complete without the machine that stretches a penny into some oblong shape for 50 cents. Instead of an emblem of the Mystery House stamped in it, it would just be a your name and the date you left Earth. How about this for a poster in life's gift shop; a map of the Earth with a dot on your home and at the bottom of the map it would say, you were here. That would be a very popular item I think. You could hang it in the bed room of whatever next existence there is. If there are bedrooms. Who knows.
It will probably just be like most tours that end in a gift shop. You will walk into it, stroll around for a few minuets and think, what a bunch of crap! Frankly, that's what I say about life most days now. When I was a kid and I would walk around a gift shop I would only be upset if I couldn't find a license plate with my name on it.
That's all ghosts and hauntings are; people taking a tour of their previous life. I can totally see that! Their not knocking things over to communicate with the living. There picking stuff up in the gift shop, realizing it's crap and throwing it back down.


Sandy said...

That is such an awesome concept! I love it, not a haunting... a touring. LOL! My friend Jacqueline is going to get a kick out of that!

I wouldn't want to have any of my life's embarrassing moments on any cup... too many, too embarrassing!

I've only been to the Winchester Mystery House once. That was one crazy lady!

Anonymous said...

I've been to the house once too, and that's a pretty interesting concept. I didn't realize her husband was responsible for a bunch of deaths because he invented a rifle...that makes it even cooler and I want to go back!

Elise said...

I've been there and it was a neat place, but the tour sucked. It's been ten years or so, so I hope the place has improved. The kid giving the tour was spouting a pre-written script and when I asked a question it threw her off and she had to start the room over again.

Terri said...

I love the Winchester House, one of my favorite local spots to visit! I love the windows with the Shakespeare quotes, I actually wrote an essay trying to figure out the meaning of them and how it applied to her life, and I think I did a pretty damn good job. :)

'No tour of my apartment when I die' had me cracking up. :)