Friday, June 13, 2008


The times, they are a changing.
Driving back into the city from Sacramento last night, I saw this written on the back of a car window: Just Partnered!
Get use to it America. Course, a Subaru blasting ABBA tunes with two guys in it already says they are partnered. Doesn't it?

The other day, I was walking past a meter maid who was about to write a ticket. Just as he bent a little and squinted to read the parking meter, a man ran across the street frantically making the time out sign with his hands. The meter maid had already gone perfectly still trying to read the clouded window on the meter. The friend I was walking with and I had the same idea at the same instant; we froze in place, mid stride, arms in the air. The guy running toward the seen stopped dead in his tracks and just went "Wow!" Like he actually froze time.
We busted up at that point and the meter maid, oblivious to any of this turned to look at us laughing as the guy came to terms with the fact that he not only didn't have super powers, but he was also about to get a ticket.

At the Sacramento Punchline, they provide Playboy's to "read" in the green room. More prof that I am indeed getting older, I actually picked one up for the interview with Steve Carell. Yeah, thats right. I picked up a Playboy for the man inside it. Of course, once I had it in my hands (The Magazine) I did page through it. They had the Playmate of the year. You have to look. Don't ask me her name. All I can tell you about her is that she is Canadian, has a flawless shaved beaver and tattooed just above it is a single word: Respect.
Are you kidding me? Oh I will respect the shit out of you darling!
Maybe respect and pussy should be associated with each other. But lets remember, your a hot girl who makes a living by taking her clothes off. No offense, but I doubt guys are viewing you and saying, "I sure respect her!" I don't think I have ever disrespected the vagina, but seeing any word stenciled across a perfect flawless body sorta ruins it for me. You are already crazy hot, an 11 on a scale of 1-10, why would you put graffiti on that? Especially there!
You have to figure that her vagina has been disrespected so many times that finally she said, I need a sign to tell guys not to disrespect me when they see me naked for money grinding my ass against a poll or spreading it in a world wide magazine that was build on the premise of objectifying nude women. Because who would disrespect you then? Clearly you have warned them now with all the subtly of, oh I don't know, a tattoo of the word respect above your snatch!
In the interview, she alludes to it being something about feminism. Darling, you are to feminism what Bush is to world peace. Sorry to mention Bush. I can see from the photos you are no fan of any Bush.
I mean, come on! You are a playboy model who will be ogled, jacked-off to and kept under 13 year old boy's beds. You didn't win a Nobel piece prize (I know how I spelled it!) Your a nude girl with a hot body. It's not like I have anything against you (I would like to though!) it's just that putting the word respect directly above your smooth beaver in a Playboy might be the greatest and hottest demonstration of irony I have ever seen. Rarely can I enjoy irony with one hand. Never before has irony had a centerfold.
The especially funny thing about it all is the font that it is written in and the way it looks looks exactly like the words you see on posters of cows when they show you where the various cuts of meat come from. In her effort to gain respect for her body, she looks like she has just labeled her self like a piece of meat. I say, keep going with it. Stencil the word, integrity where the typical tramp stamp would be. Write the word, values on each breast. That way when guys totally objectify your body we can say to each other, "Did you see the Integrity on her? I wish I could get my hands on those values!"
"Yeah, but guys. I so want to earn her respect! What do you think that would take?"
A camera and a green card.

1 comment:

Dean said...

Thank God that the great Joe Klocek, my personal comedy big brother, does not shy away from obvious and sniggering innuendoes and puns...