It's everything that goes on off stage that bugs the shit out of me. From petty people to scandalous Booker's, it just grinds you into the ground.
I got a call from a Booker I had worked for a few months back asking if I would like to return. However this time, he wants me to Co-headline for less money.
Co-Headlining is a bullshit term invented by Booker's to get a high quality show for less money. Here's the idea; you book two headliner's and split the pay among them. Here's the thing, someone always has to go last, so there is a headliner. The person who goes last has to go up latter and this, as any comic will tell you, requires more skill. That's why a headliner is a headliner-they have more skill. Your not just paying for a guy to go up last-your paying for the person who is going to bring it.
This was the conversation:
"Joe, would you like to come back up next month? I am doing a Co-headline show. Is $200 fine?" He asks.
"Doing the same room for less money is not the direction I want to go in with a room." I say.
There is a pause. Then he asks, "Well how much time do you have?"
I have to take a breath before I answer. Not to be arrogant, but when I was there, the first two acts didn't do so well and I did an hour plus in front of drunk people. This is typical hold you down till you agree to less money bullshit that drives me crazy. Before I respond though, his memory must come back and he says, "I mean, I know you can do it with talking to the crowd and everything."
I turn the gig down.
Here is a realization I should of had years ago but is just hitting me now. If I drive 5 hours to and back from a gig, it's $100 in gas. Period. I am spending 100 bucks to make a hundred and fifty bucks, put more miles on my car and play to a bunch of red necks in a barn. Is that really the direction I want to go in with anything?
A comic kept asking me why I decided to Book someone on my game show. In their not so humble opinion, it is not only a mistake for me to Book this person, but they will not do well. Besides, they explain at length in their e-mail, there are far more people who are ahead in line.
There is no master list of who started when and who deserves stage time over other people. What amazes me is that anyone would be so small in character as to list off reasons why a person will not do well. How petty do you have to be to take the time to compose an e-mail against someone getting free stage time that doesn't effect you in anyway?
Here is how I book my game show.
There are only 3 slots open per month. I book two people who are Punch Line comedy scene regulars. The other spot I leave open to give back. When I was new, there were not a lot of people who thought that much of me. I was painfully shy and suffered from the usual low self-esteem most comics have. But a few people in a position to help gave me stage time. They gave me opportunity. Now it's my turn to give back. I can give stage time to people who deserve it because I see something in them that don't yet see in themselves.
At a show, a guy in the crowd holds up his cell phone camera and starts recording. When I look over he says, "I'm gonna get you on youtube."
Great. I finally have management.
I am pretty sure that I can get myself on youtube. I am also pretty sure that taping me without my consent is theft of intellectual property. Also, if your going to do this, don't sit directly up front and pull your camera out in front of everyone, retard. It's bad enough that Booker's and Managers sell you the idea of getting exposure instead of getting paid all the time, now the audience is contributing to it. You know what, you could visit my site for clips too.
Same club different night.
A girl sits in almost the same place as the joker with the cell phone. She is a sweet young girl who has a laugh that is unavoidable and unique. Not just for it's dolphin like quality, but for when she laughs. There are set up's and there are punch lines. 99% of the audience is laughing after the punch line. This girl laughs directly after the set up. She is ten feet away from me too. After awhile, it starts to throw my timing on jokes. I set up a line, she laughs her unique giddy laugh, I laugh and the punch line now gets lost. This goes on for a while before I talk to her. If your out there darling, I'm not mad. We did have a lot of fun with it it didn't we?
It occurs to me that if this was done on purpose to a comic, it would be the most brilliant heckling technique in history. Think about it. She is not screaming anything drunk or yelling get off the stage, she is laughing. It's just where she is laughing that is throwing things. There is no response for this in comedy! That's what would make it so diabolical if it was done to someone on purposes. She is a sweet charming young lady who looks about as Innocent as Innocent can get. All she is doing is laughing. What kind of an ass hole would call her out for laughing?
OK, I did. But it made for a fun show. I can't wait to get the audio up on my site for just this reason alone.
Ah Comedy. These are my latest indignities.