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Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Best Bumper Sticker Ever!

Last night's game show, GET IT down at the Punchline played out as they usually do. I was nervous that there was a small crowd a quarter till show time, I was slightly depressed about the current state of my inner life and the show went off wonderfully with compliments from departing audience members. In fact, that's really where this story begins; at the end. Literally. As people left and I packed up the buzzers, I was prepared for a quiet rest of the night. Stepping outside, a few audience members sat smoking cigarettes and talking with other audience members. Thats when I heard these words from a young Asian girl desperately trying to light a cigarette in the wind.
"Will you sign my tits?"
I didn't think I heard it right but after I raised my eyebrows and asked if she just said what I thought she said, she changed her mind. "Yeah. Sign my tits and my ass."
Who am I to turn down a ladies request.
You know, you work so hard for recognition and admiration from the crowd and when it comes, it feels wonderful. Wonderful, and it turns out, a little dirty too.
"Of course I will sign your Tits and ass!"
She had very specific instructions though. She wanted my name on her tits and then the words, Me love you long time, on her ass with my name.
"Wait. How old are you?" I thought I should ask before I put my name on her.
Slightly incredulous, she answered. "23!"
So I ask you dear reader, what would you do? It's wasn't like she was alone either. There were three guys, another girl and me. It's not like we were in the back room of some bar or around the corner in the dark.
Luckily, I had a sharpie on me. I don't keep one on me for this, I had it from the name tags for contestants on the game show. Course, when I pulled it out of my pocket on a seconds notice, I think she did pause for a moment to reconsider her request.
Sure enough, she pulled her shirt down and I wrote not just my name, but my web site across her heart. Then came the other end. She seemed a lot less shy about this region of her body. She turned around, bent like a lady at the knee and down went the pants to reveal a splendid brown ass. I took my time. Penmanship is such a lost art. Again, I wrote my name, website and the phrase, I luv you long time! Then, as quickly as it begin, she pulled her pants up, turned around and the following words left her mouth as she gestured to the guy sitting next to her, "This is my boyfriend."
The lord giveth and the lord takith.
That was an awkward moment. He shook my hand, you know, the same hand that was just on his ladies ass. Everyone seemed pretty cool with it, but all I could think of is; enjoy the doggy style sex for the next week or so as my name looks back up at you!
Best bumper sticker I ever put on!
Somewhere, there is a young Asian man who now gets a hard-on every time he sees the words, standupjoe.com
Really, what more can you ask for as a performer?

6 comments:

Sandy said...

It was as if fate had a hand in this, you know?! I mean seriously, sharpie marker, age appropriate, T&A accessible...

You just have to shake your head at the wonderment of it all... fate is a glorious thing, eh? ;)

You crack me up! :D

scotch said...

lucky!!!!!

this is the only ass i've ever signed:

http://www.lifeprint.com/asl101/pages-signs/d/donkey.htm

eobubba said...

Oh I am SO BECOMING A PROFESSIONAL COMIC NOW!

Lucky bastard!

Elise said...

Wow, no one ever asks me to do that at the park!

joe from the Past said...

Nice move.
It sure beats asking to for a walk in the park or around the city.

Terri said...

LOL! People never do cease to amaze. :)